בס"ד

What do these two phrases have in common?

Original copy.

Open secret.

Each of these phrases is an oxymoron, a combination of words that have completely opposite meanings. If something is a copy, it can’t also be the original. If some piece of information is openly known, it isn’t a secret.

You may have seen an oxymoron within a sentence, such as the fascinating observation, “Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.” If nobody goes there, how can it be crowded?

Many people find oxymorons to be puzzling, yet engaging. It’s interesting to try to figure out what they could possibly mean if you don’t dismiss them as imprecise, or meaningless.

When it comes to the words of Torah, nothing is meaningless or even imprecise. When an expression in Torah seems puzzling, we engage it, we seek to discern the meaning and the message we know is there. So when the Torah presents us with what appears to be an oxymoron, the first oxymoron, our interest is piqued.

The Torah pairs the words Aizer and K’negdo. (Braishis 2:18) We might assume that an aizer is someone who works with you and a k’negdo is someone who works against you. The words aizer and k’negdo point in opposite directions. Together they form an oxymoron. The Talmud acknowledges that these words don’t seem to belong together, and says that they describe two different situations: If he is worthy, she will be a helpmate. If he is not worthy, she will be against him, to fight him and contradict his words. (Yevamos 63a with Rashi)

Other commentators propose a different solution to this conundrum. They translate aizer k’negdo as someone who helps you by being your opposition. They suggest that husband and wife can be a stimulus inviting one another to grow rather than highlighting shortcomings. It may seem like you are an aizer when you ignore, put up with, or work around someone but you haven’t helped them. You just made it easier for yourself. You can become an aizer only when you compassionately stand k’nedgo, offering a point of view or a preference that invites someone to think and choose differently, or be more confident in their original choice.

It is Hashem’s ratzon that a person find help [aizer] and support from someone who challenges him [k’negdo], such as a talmid to a rav. We find this in the story of Rabi Yochanan who wept when his disciple Raish Lakish died. Raish Lakish had offered 24 challenges to every point, and Rabi Yochanan had to give 24 answers, yet Rabi Yochanan was not comforted by Rabbi Eliezer who supported every statement Rabi Yochanan made. This is a principle in all of creation: only through opposition do we form unity. [Mai haShiluach in Iturei Torah, Volume I, page 30]

Rav Yosef Yuzel, the Saba MiNavaraduk explained: Rashi wrote: “If a person is worthy: aizer. If a person is not worthy: k’negdo.” This means that some people turn an aizer into a k’negdo. Others succeed in turning the k’negdo into an aizer.

Your ability to respect and consider your wife’s expression of advice or criticism is what makes her an aizer when she offers to be your k’negdo. And it goes both ways.

I have offered my point of view; I’ve gently told my wife what I think she should do differently. She doesn’t want to hear it. I don’t think she wants to hear anything from me.

I think she does want to hear some things from you. I think she wants to hear what most women want to hear from their husbands. Here are some of the complaints women have expressed as reported in a magazine article:

“Lack of appreciation. Praise and reward go a long way.”

“It is such a lonely work. Nobody to talk to.”

“No praise or encouragement from her family; faultfinding if things go wrong otherwise silence.”

The article continued:

Manufacturers know that in order to gain the loyalty and arouse the enthusiasm of their employees, they have to do certain things. They have found that they must provide proper working conditions; establish rest (and perhaps recreation) rooms; respect holidays and pay an adequate wage.

Women in homes too often do not have proper working conditions; their recreation is not considered; holidays are often the hardest days they know…

[A wife and mother] must, largely, make her own circumstances and conditions, and not only that but she will find that in general it will fall to her to shape those of her family.

A wise woman builds her home. (Mishlei 14:1) She shapes the circumstances and conditions of her family. Modern women are aware of that responsibility. And they deserve praise and encouragement, not just faultfinding or silence.

That’s what women complained about in a magazine article, and it may explain what men can do to help their wives receive k’negdo messages more comfortably. Men who respect their wives usually receive suggestion and criticism more comfortably, too.

Why is all this in a column called Nachas Notes? Because children who see parents respectfully offering and receiving guidance from one another more often receive it well themselves. That leads to nachas.

R. Jose said: I have never called my wife “my wife;” I call my wife “my home.” Shabbos 118b

R. Helbo said: One must always observe the honor due to his wife, because blessings rest on a man's home only on account of his wife.

Raba said, “Honor your wives, that you may be enriched.” Baba Metzia 59a

There is nothing new under the sun. Koheles 1:9 The magazine article appeared in Modern Priscilla, March 1926, page 1.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.