Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Please write down 13 things that you think we ask for from Hashem when we doven.
The first time I gave that assignment was in 1974. The 12 year olds in my class impressed me with some very thoughtful and compassionate requests, although I don't think any of them was able to come up with 13 different things to ask for. Then we opened our siddurim, and I showed them the 13 requests we make in the weekday Shemonah Esrai. We spent a lot of time analyzing their lists and discovering that they had intuited so much of what the anshei kneses ha'gedaloh had put into words for us. What a wonderful success for those children! They were able to see how closely their wishes and hopes aligned with those of some of the wisest sages of all time. Now it wasn't hard for them to express their own thoughts through the words of the prayers, and dovening was a pleasant part of their day.
Another time I gave that assignment was in the mid-1980s. My class comprised a group of women, members of my shul, all of whom were old enough to have grandchildren. They too suggested poignant and heartfelt concerns to express to Hashem, and they too had a hard time coming up with 13 different things to ask for. When they opened their siddurim they discovered how closely their concerns matched those of the Men of the Great Assembly who composed that prayer so many years ago.
Both times, I continued the discussion by asking them which of the 13 requests in the Shemonah Esrai they had not included in their list. That resulted in some very interesting conversations about how to make a request you hadn't thought of, relevant to you. Most of the time, we were able to figure out some way that every request could be relevant to each of us. When the answer was, "it's not relevant to me," the next question I asked was, "why do you imagine all of these requests are in the plural rather than the singular form?" I was not surprised at how quickly the women in my class realized that in addition to the deeply personal concerns we express in our dovening, we also pray for the well-being of others. I must admit that I was surprised, and very impressed, by how quickly the children in my class grasped this idea and embraced it. Those 12 year olds began to think of friends, family members, and people they'd just heard of somehow, for whom they could pray with various of the paragraphs of the Shemonah Esrai. And it got even better. A child asked me:
What if I can't think of anybody who needs what a certain paragraph is asking for? Could I just ask Hashem to take my tefilah and use it to help somebody that Hashem knows about?
Children don't surprise me that way anymore. I've learned that they are often sensitive, compassionate, and generous when given the opportunity. As adults, we have opportunities to express our sensitivity, compassion, and generosity by giving of our time to those closest to us and our resources to the organizations who reach out beyond us. One of the opportunities we can give to children is to help them understand the meaning and the power of their prayers.
That's why I feel so bad about the title of this article. So many times when I've asked an educator, "what do you wish I could help you with," the answer was, "Dovening. It's the hardest part of the day." I've heard that from hanhala, rebbeim, and morahs, in elementary schools and in high schools. And it gets worse.
I usually ask:
How is dovening different from other school subjects?
I usually hear:
I imagine that from the children's point of view it's no different from any other subject.
Some schools decided to change that, to talk with children about dovening, and to listen to what it means to them as they learn more about it. Other schools told me they just couldn't fit that kind of discussion into their day.
Maybe that's how we end up with letters to the editor about shushing people in shul for whom the hardest part of the day is staying focused on the dovening.
The Malbim (on Psalm 90:17) wrote that we can be a source of pleasure to Hashem. I think our prayers, especially when we say them carefully and thoughtfully, are a source of nachas to Hashem.
Sometimes it's hard to give Hashem nachas. Think about that the next time it seems hard for your child to give nachas to you.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.