The science of parenting is designed to help you become a successful parent, with success defined as forging a strong parent-child bond and fostering your children's happiness, health and success.
Over the past weeks, we've been looking at the 10 competencies which scientists found to predict good parenting outcomes, in order from least to most important.
We've finally arrived at the number one parenting competency that emerged from their research: to express love and affection. This includes supporting and accepting your child, being physically affectionate, and spending quality one-on-one time together.
Quality one-on-one time means that each child has your full, undivided attention for at least a few minutes every week. That sound like very little? It may be more than any of your children is receiving right now.
The gemara (Succa 53a) describes this most important competency for parents. The gemara records the following statement by Hillel hazakain: im ani kaan, ha'kohl kaan. This could be translated as, "If I'm here, you've got it all!" Clearly, such an arrogant comment could not be accurately attributed to Hillel hazakain. My rebbe, Rav Nisan Alpert z'tzal, taught us that the correct translation is, "when I am here, all of me is here." In other words, "you have my undivided attention." Multi-tasking may be good enough for "tasks." Children need to be more than a task, at least sometimes.
The "quality" part of this one-on-one time comes about when you're not spending time with him in order to get him to do, or not do, anything. You're spending this time sharing an activity or some thoughts that both of you find pleasant and relaxing. If you're not sure what your child would enjoy, ask him!
I was really amazed, Rabbi Ackerman. Like you suggested, I told Reuven that I wanted to spend 15 or 20 minutes with him sometime during the coming week and I asked him to think about when and what he'd like to do together. I was sure he'd come up with various things that I wouldn't be willing to do and then he'd end up being disappointed, and I'd be frustrated, and it would not play out well. But that's not what happened. He said he'd like to play checkers with me on Shabbos afternoon! We had the most pleasant time together and the smile on his face was truly wonderful.
I'm glad to hear this worked out so well for you, Ben. And I can't imagine that the smile on Reuven's face was any brighter than the smile on your face as you're telling this over to me.
The Aimek ha'Netziv writes, "a father loves his child more than anyone else in the world" (my translation of the Aimek ha'Netziv on Parshas Re-eih, Piska 36). Chazal tell us that that the love is there. But the most important parenting competency is not to love your child. It's to express it.
But she knows I always love her, that's a given. If I don't correct her, she knows she's doing fine.
According to a recent research article1, that's a dangerous assumption. Here are some excerpts which describe why it's so dangerous.
Children need a specific form of positive response--acceptance-- from parents. When this need is not met satisfactorily, children tend to report themselves to be hostile and aggressive; dependent or defensively independent; impaired in self-esteem and self-adequacy; emotionally unresponsive; emotionally unstable; and to have a negative worldview, among other responses. Additionally, youths (and adults) who perceive themselves to be rejected appear to be anxious and insecure, as well as to be disposed toward behavior problems and conduct disorders, to be depressed or have depressed affect, and to become involved in drug and alcohol abuse, among other problems. Perceived parental acceptance-rejection by itself is a powerful predictor of psychological and behavioral adjustment. Improved messages of parental love appear to be the most salient route through which effective parenting techniques contribute to healthy child development.
Don't blame it all on mothers. The love of fathers is as important developmentally to children as that of mothers, and sometimes more so. Fathers' love-related behavior is strongly associated with a sense of health and well-being in childhood and later adulthood.
Parental acceptance is the warmth, affection, care, comfort, concern, nurturance, support, or love that children can experience from their parents and other caregivers. The other end of the continuum is marked by parental rejection, which refers to the absence or significant withdrawal of these feelings and behaviors, and by the presence of a variety of physically, and psychologically hurtful behaviors and affects.
Parental affection can be shown physically (e.g. hugging, kissing, caressing, and comforting), verbally (e.g. praising, complimenting, and saying nice things to or about the child), or symbolically in some other way, as with the use of culturally specific gestures. These and many other caring, nurturing, supportive, and loving behaviors help define the behavioral expressions of parental acceptance. (emphasis mine)
I would urge you to adopt the following "culturally specific gesture." When you bentsch each of your children Friday night (and if you don't, it's never too late to start!) be sure to make eye contact for a second or two. And smile.
Al t'hi berchas hedyot kallah b'anecha . (Megila 15a) Perhaps this can be translated as, "In order that your bracha not be taken lightly, use your eyes!" When you make eye contact, your bracha becomes an expression of love and acceptance, the number one most important competency towards success for your child and nachas for you.
1 Rohner, Ronald P. (2009). Introduction to Parental Acceptance-Rejection Theory, Methods, Evidence, and Implications
[Electronic version]. University of Connecticut.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.