Many parents are wary of psychology.
It's true that there are some theories in psychology that see religion as unhelpful or even harmful. And there are some psychologists who are antagonistic to Judaism. One prominent leader in the field of group therapy comes to mind. I remember filing a formal complaint when I was in graduate school because in his book, which we were assigned as part of our coursework, he attacked rabbis and Torah Judaism blatantly and viciously. As you may be suspecting, yes, he is Jewish, at least by birth.
But my graduate program was not antagonistic to religion. On the contrary, we were required to integrate our clinical knowledge and understanding of mental health into our core hashkafos, and to invite our clients to explore their understanding of the role of Hashem in their lives. As a family therapist, I have found it valuable to learn how clients think about Hashem as part of their family system, and how they think of themselves as part of Hashem's family system.
The Maharam Shick, z"tl, in the hakdama to his commentary on Pirkei Avos, raises an interesting question on how Hashem's family system works. We always preface our learning of Pirkei Avos with the statement that every one of us has a portion in the world to come. This, Maharam Shick points out, is an allusion to the reward we can earn by following the Torah and mitzvos as servants of Hashem. But then we learn a mishna that says we should not serve Hashem in order to receive a reward. If we shouldn't be serving Hashem with the intention of receiving a reward, why remind us of the reward every week? Which is it?
The Maharam Shick explains that it is both, and it depends on where we are up to, developmentally speaking, in our relationship with Hashem. I would say that most of us begin our relationship with Hashem like children who are given a lollipop as a reward for cooperating at the barber shop. I was at the barbershop myself this morning. I cooperated with the barber even though I was pretty sure I was not going to get a lollipop. I have come to appreciate the value of being well groomed and the barber's role in that part of my life system. Some of my grandchildren aren't there yet, which is fine; let them have a lollipop if that will help them cooperate with the barber. The Maharam Shick's point is that apparently Hashem sees it that way, too. Hashem starts us off, in the preface to Pirkei Avos, and in the preface to the maturity of our relationship, with an assurance of reward for compliance. Later in the mishna and in our growth, Hashem teaches us to aspire to cooperation rather than compliance when we come to understand and value what Hashem gives to us and what we can achieve. In psychological terms this would be described as the process of growing in motivation from extrinsic reward to intrinsic reward. This psychological concept is not antagonistic to religion; the Maharam Shick showed it to us in the Torah.
You and I know that the Torah is the ultimate source of all of our knowledge, including the knowledge we need as parents. But what did the psychologists find in their research on parenting?
The paper they presented last summer at the American Psychological Association reported scientific evidence of the value of religion as a predictor of successful parenting. According to their research, "religion," defined as parental support of their child's religious development and participation in religious activities, is the ninth most significant competency for parents to cultivate, in a list of the top 10.
It's not fair to look at their study and say that it's another example of psychology in conflict with religion because it relegates religion nearly to the bottom of their list. First of all, it's not fair because they didn't put it near the bottom of their list. They discovered it there when their list emerged from the research. Secondly, I think we need to look at their definition of religion. They are describing religion as a set of behaviors, and they've documented the value of those behaviors in raising our children.
We also express our religion through our behaviors. But our religious practices emerge from hashkafos, underlying beliefs, values, and attitudes. These hashkafos inform all of the 10 competencies we are exploring in this series of articles.
Last week we looked at competency number 10, keeping our children safe. We see this obligation in Torah principles such as "chamira sakanta mai'isurah," "v'nishmartem ma-ode l'nafshosaichem," and "v'chai bahem." The very last comment in the commentary Be'er ha'Golah on Shulchan Aruch is that someone who is cavalier about his health and safety is an apikoras. Certainly no less is our obligation to the health and safety of our children.
This week we see that religion, even as just a set of behaviors, is of value for us as parents. That too has been expressed by our sages. They call it mi'toch sh'lo lishma, ba lishma. We start out hoping to earn lollipops, and grow into cherishing the sweetness of our relationship with Hashem and with one another.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.