When researchers investigated why some children turn out happier, healthier and more successful, and had stronger relationships with their parents, 10 parental competencies emerged. We've been exploring them over the past few weeks, working our way up from number ten to number one.

To recap, competency number ten is keeping your children safe, number nine is religious participation and support, and number eight is modeling a healthy lifestyle. We have discovered that the value of these three competencies emerges from Torah sources as well.

What about the classical parenting technique of rewards and punishments to get children to behave? Where did that come out in the list of 10 competencies? Many parents expect that to be their number one role and goal as parents. The research says differently. It's only number seven. The study found that making extensive use of positive rein­forcement, and punishing only when other methods of managing be­havior have failed, was important, but only seventh on the list.

What does "extensive" mean? What are some examples of "positive reinforcement?" What are some examples of "punishment?"

The word extend, from which the word extensive is derived, means to go beyond something. In this case, extensive use of positive reinforcement means that noticing and acknowledging success should go beyond the extent to which you notice and comment on failure. I created the Nachas Notebook™ to help parents gain this competency. Here's how it works.

I would like to give you some homework, Doniel and Riva, that I think will help you strengthen your relationship with your daughter, and help her succeed in meeting more of your expectations. I would like each of you to buy a new notebook, and on the front of each of your notebooks I want you to write, "Malka's Nachas Notebook." Over the course of this coming week, I want each of you to make at least two entries in your notebook for her. Each entry is to have the following two components: one, what you saw her do that you considered either good or a neutral behavior on her part, and two, what you said to her to knowledge her success, and yes, a neutral behavior is a success. What I want you to say to her when you acknowledge her success is, "you did that so well," or "you are such a good girl." If you want to add, "I am so proud, I am so glad," that's fine as long as the main message is what she did successfully, not how it affected you. Please bring your nachas notebooks with you next week so we can review your homework together. What do you guys think about that?

They not only agreed to do it, they did it! A week later, each of them brought in their Nachas Notebook™ and we got to relive the nachas they had enjoyed during the preceding week. Riva said she really appreciated this assignment because she realized that the nachas she was recording in her notebook had been there before but she hadn't noticed and relished it up until now. Doniel said he had begun to think of Malka differently, now that he was more conscious of the things she does well, no longer focusing only on what he wishes she would do better.

But what does all of this have to do with "extensive use of positive rein­forcement?" I'll let Doniel explain it.

On Monday evening, Malka saw me writing something in a notebook. She asked me what I was doing, so I explained it to her and I told her what I had written. She rolled her eyes and walked away. Tuesday night, I made a point of telling her what I had written in her Nachas Notebook™ and she said, "okay, fine," made a face, and walked away. I figured she was not really enjoying hearing the nachas that I had been writing about her, so on Wednesday and Thursday I didn't tell her what I had written. Friday night, she came over to me with a shy smile and said, softly, "Ta, you don't write those things about me anymore in that notebook?"

12-year-old girls rarely say to their parents, "thank you so much for the extensive use of positive reinforcement. It's really helping me gain confidence and building my self-esteem." Malka didn't say that to her father, but he got the message. He and Riva were mastering competency number seven, and already seeing how much it helped their child.

What are some examples of punishment? How likely is it that punishment will result in success when other methods of managing behavior have resulted in failure? And what's the definition of failure?

G-d willing, next week we'll see.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.