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Researchers found 10 parental competencies that result in children who are happier, healthier, more successful, and who have stronger relationships with their parents. Competency number ten is keeping your children safe, number nine is religious participation and support, and number eight is modeling a healthy lifestyle. Making extensive use of positive reinforcement and punishing only when other methods of managing behavior have failed is competency number seven on the list.
What do Torah sources teach us about "extensive positive reinforcement" in contrast to punishment? Rashi (Shmos 20:6, and Ki Sisa 34:7) points out that the correct ratio of praise to criticism is 500 to 1. Every time you praise your child, you inform him that he does things well. That is an example of positive reinforcement. Writing in your child's Nachas Notebook™ and telling her what you wrote is another. Playing a game with a her; going for a Shabbos walk, just you and your son; listening to what your daughter wants to talk about even when you don't find it all that interesting, is another. All of these are effective forms of positive reinforcement. And they have one important thing in common: instead of giving your child something, you're giving them someone: you. Your expressions of nurturance, warmth, affection, support, comfort, and concern are the components of what scientists call "paternal acceptance." The absence of criticism is not a positive reinforcement, and it is not perceived by your child as approval.
When you criticize him, you imply that he sometimes does not do as well as you wish. On your child's internal balance sheet, each acknowledgment of success that you give him is added to his asset list, and every criticism is recorded as a liability. If you criticize him more often than you praise him, his balance sheet shows a net liability. You can't see his balance sheet, but you can see his look of discouragement and apprehension when you begin to say something to him, because he's afraid he's going to be criticized again. If you praise him more often than you criticize him, he has a safety net of assets which serve as a cushion against the pain of failure. The higher the ratio of praise to criticism that he has experienced from you, the larger and stronger that cushion will be. The child in whom you have built a strong cushion of praise will hear criticism as encouragement to do better next time, not another reminder of how poorly he usually does.
Having seen how competency number seven helps children gain confidence and resilience, we're ready to look at competency number six in our countdown, which the researchers call "life skills." They define this as providing for the material needs of your child by having a steady income and a plan for the future. What are some of the Torah concepts that describe this competency?
One is the delicate balance between hishtadlus and bitachon. "Cast your burden on Hashem and He will provide for you," (Tehilim 55:23) ר"ל בטח עליו ×©×”×•× ×™×§×œ מש×ך מעליך (מצודת דוד) According to theMetzudas Dovid this means "trust Hashem to make your burden lighter." Trusting in Hashem, bitachon, is not an alternative to effort, hishtadlus. Rather, the bitachon helps us sustain the effort even when we aren't seeing results as quickly as we had hoped, and to make the burden bearable.
Another Torah concept reflected in this competency is the exhortation in Pirkei Avos to anticipate outcomes. רבי שמעון ×ומר, הרו××” ×ת ×”× ×•×œ×“ Rabbi Shimon considered this quality of character to be of paramount importance. He posited the converse in somewhat different terms. He described the most undesirable quality as "one who borrows and does not repay." He used a metaphor instead of saying that the worst character flaw is to fail to anticipate outcomes, but I believe he is describing exactly that. Our actions engender equal, not opposite, reactions from Hashem, as in the expression, b'midda sh'adam modaid, bo mod'dim lo, literally, "with the measuring cup that a person measures, so it is measured out for him." (Sotah 8b) Hillel pointed out that our actions often result in similar actions on the part of other people as well. When he taught the prospective convert not to do things to others that he wouldn't want done to him (Shabbos 31a), he alluded to the fact that usually people will do the things to us that we have done to them, so integrity, generosity, and compassion are rarely purely altruistic. We usually receive them in return. I am trustworthy and I hope you will be honest with me. I take care of you when I'm able to, confident that you'll take care of me. When I repay my debts, others will repay me. Teaching your child to plan for her future by learning how to give wholeheartedly and receive humbly is the essence of competency number six, the life skill of healthy interdependence.
And yes, it is possible to give wholeheartedly even though you hope to receive something, someday, in return. Rashi shows us this lesson in the words of the gemara, "If a man says, I give this coin for charity in order that my sons may live and that I may be found worthy of the future world, he may all the same be a righteous man in the full sense of the word." Baba Basra 10b
We invest our time, energy, prayers, and coins in our children in order that they may live lives worthy of the future world. We give to them wholeheartedly, no less so when we hope for nachas in return.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.