A recent research study identified ten parenting competencies. The fifth most important one is "to promote and model learning and provide educational opportunities for your child." As the people of the book, we would quickly agree that teaching our children, making sure that they become educated, is very important. But I don't think that's what this parenting competency is about. The research did not describe the value of teaching. It described the value of learning. Teaching children is an important activity for educators and for parents, but it's not a core competency. Cultivating a love of learning is one of our most vital roles as parents, and that is the competency that the research is describing.

The well known expression in Proverbs is not, "teach your child according to his way." It is chanoch lenaar al pi darko (Mishlei 22:6), prepare him to learn and grow, and prepare him according to his way, not yours. The core competency for you as a parent is to create a bais kibul, a child who is receptive and curious, willing and sometimes eager to be taught, so that when your child is taught, he will learn. When you learn with cheishek you are modeling a love and a passion for learning that your child may emulate. What do you do when he does not? What do you do when you discover that your child's derech in learning is not yours? How can you prepare a child al pi darcho when you don't know what is his derech?

First, let me caution you. I have heard the point of view that parents need to present "the right way" to all of their children and cajole, encourage, or attempt to force all of them onto that path.

Rav S. R. Hirsch's writes that the verse, " Vayigdelu hane'orim vayehi Esov ish yodei'a tzayid ish sodeh veYaakov ish tom yosheiv oholim" (The children grew up. Esau was a man who knew how to hunt, a man of the field. And Yaakov was a pure man who dwelled in the house of learning.) (Bereishis 25:27), implies that the difference between their personalities was the direct result of their upbringing.

Rav Hirsch quotes the verse, "Chanoch lenaar al pi darko," and he writes, "Raise him toward the single, great goal according to his particular ways based on the trials awaiting him in the future. He who seats Yaakov and Esau on the same study bench, and [teaches them] the same modes of living, educating them identically in the life of study and thought, is sure to ruin one of them." (emphasis mine)

Now, given the harsh analysis of what can happen when parents don't raise a child according to that child's derech, I will give you an example of how a father learned his child's derech.

Zevy is usually a very good boy, Rabbi Ackerman, and for a nine-year-old, he learns really well, he gets along with his older sisters, and he behaves himself at home and in school. But last Friday night, when it was time to go over his parsha questions, he made such a scene, and slammed his notebook onto the table and ran out of the room. I called out to him that if he doesn't come back to the table immediately he won't get any dessert, so he came back, but he was sulking the whole rest of the meal, and he wouldn't read any more of his parsha questions. What am I supposed to do with him?

Meir, I want to get a clearer understanding of exactly what happened with the parshas questions last Friday night. It sounds like Zevy brought his notebook to the table, and read the questions to you. Let's slow this down even further. Zevy read the first question to you. What happened then?

I answered the question, and I said, "What's the next question, Zevy?" Then he asked the second question, I answered it, and that's when he slammed down the notebook and ran out of the room.

I see. Meir, what did Zevy's face look like when you answered each of the questions?

That's a really interesting point. Now that I think back on it, I remember that he didn't look particularly happy. What do you think that means? What should I have done differently?

Those are excellent questions Meir, and you're asking the wrong person. I would love to hear Zevy's answers to those questions. What do you think about asking him?

Meir asked his son, and a week later shared the answers with me.

I told Zevy I was puzzled by his reaction to my answering the parsha questions, last week and I asked him what he wishes I would do differently. He said that he had hoped that I would read the questions from his notebook, and then he could show me that he knows the answers, but when I answered them instead, he never got to show me how much he knew, so he was disappointed and felt bad. So this past Friday night, I read each question and waited for him to answer it, and when he did, the look on his face was priceless.

That was the look of a child who enjoyed learning and showing his father how much he had learned. That was the competency of a parent who learned his child's derech and cultivated his child's love of learning. That was a father's investment of humility and willingness to learn, and a dividend of nachas.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.