We continue to discuss the ten parenting competencies identified in a recent research study, working our way from ten up to number one. This week we're looking at what they found to be the fourth most important one, "fostering autonomy and independence." They found that you accomplish this by treating your child with respect and encouraging him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant.

Are you ever justified in showing disrespect to your child? Rav Pam, zt'zl wrote the following (my translation of Atara LaMelech, pg. 90):

There is no more permission for parents or teachers [to cause a child to feel shame] than for anyone else, unless it is for the purpose of chinuch or musar for the good of the child. But it is far more common that the damage caused by this is greater than the benefit. [emphasis mine]

The Igeres HaRamban begins with the exhortation to speak gently to all people. Rav Avrohom Chaim Feuer avers that the Ramban is teaching us to treat all people with equal respect and sensitivity, and he writes that the expression all people includes one's children.

So you're saying that when my child is chutzpadik, I still have to be careful not to show disrespect? How did she earn my respect when she talked to me that way?

Yes, I've been asked those questions. And as usual, I respond with questions.

Let me understand this. You think it's appropriate to emulate her behavior, so if she's disrespectful towards you, you disrespect her back. How does that teach her what appropriate behavior looks and sounds like? I thought modeling goes from parent to child, not from child to parent. What do you think?

She just makes me so frustrated that I end up talking to her sarcastically. I know it's disrespectful and I know I really shouldn't, but she makes me so angry I can't control myself.

I can understand that she says things that deeply upset you. I don't understand how she "makes you" do or say anything even though you're very upset. If it's hard for you to respond to her calmly when you're upset with her, what's going to happen when you tell her that she spoke to you in an inappropriate manner, and you'll discuss it with her later, and then walk away?

Competency number 3, the subject of next week's article (G-d willing), will give us the opportunity to see what that later conversation should sound like.

Two weeks ago, I ended my article with the following:

We invest our time, energy, prayers, and coins in our children in order that they may live lives worthy of the future world. We give to them wholeheartedly, no less so when we hope for nachas in return.

A parent responded. "Your statement about hoping for nachas in return reminded me of a poem:"

life's unspoken bargains

we all have basic, unspoken expectations of others

we give things to them and we expect things back

that is the nature of any relationship

we expect things of our spouses

of our parents

of our children

of employees and employers

of the people who serve us in stores or restaurants

in banks and post offices

when it comes to our children, we have unspoken expectations, too

we love them unconditionally but have expectations nevertheless

for example, Chana expects her daughter Sarale, now just a few months

old, to eventually become toilet trained, become independent, be a mentsch

someone Chana can be proud of - even lean on some day

this is why Chana can so happily care for the totally dependent

Sarale now, as a baby -- because she assumes it is temporary

it's all unspoken

Sarale never signed a contract or shook on it, but it is a strong

expectation on Chana's part and Chana will feel betrayed if Sarale

doesn't fulfill any part of the unspoken bargain

if G-d forbid Sarale does not fulfill it, even though it is not

through any fault of her own, still, Chana will feel as if

they had a deal and Sarale broke the deal

so that is why you sometimes see impatience, bitterness, anger and

disappointment in the parents of handicapped children

and we are quick to condemn those mothers -- they are "not nice," we

say, they have "no sympathy"

and even "can you believe I once saw her act really mean" to the child

fact is, those parents are left holding the bag

they are left holding up their part of the unspoken deal, while their

child has broken his part

and they will be left in this position for the rest of their lives

unless a miracle happens

the handicapped child, now a handicapped adult, through no fault of

his own, broke the deal they had when he was born

he stayed a baby

that wasn't the plan, that wasn't the deal, and now those parents

can't get out of their

part of the bargain

they still have to care for him, years after all his friends who kept

the bargain are on their own

they are in pain all the time

the handicapped child has his share of pain too

but so do the parents

think about how angry you become when the waitress who took your order

in the restaurant makes a 20 minute private call while you wait for

your food

she did it because she is desperate or disabled in some way, perhaps temporarily

but you are angry and disappointed anyway... the waitress didn't keep to her part of the unspoken deal between you

and now your evening is not going as planned

this is the way some parents of a handicapped child feel

except it's not one evening

their entire lives are not going as planned

and they carry the added burden of feeling guilty for the feelings they have, feelings which are taboo for parents: disappointment, resentment

if you are blessed that all your children are on their way to a healthy independence

may I suggest

you stop imagining how much better you would do than the parents of the handicapped child

how much more compassionate you would be

don't give them the poem about winding up in Holland instead of Italy

just thank Hashem you are not in their shoes

and support them

yes, support them

or, at the very least, stop condemning them

and pray that everyone in your life keeps to their unspoken bargains

(Note: this poem is copyrighted)

I found the poem truly poignant, and I asked permission to include it in this article. Here's why.

When I asked if the poem had been published, the author replied, "no, because I do not want to hurt or embarrass my child."

The research study authors paired "treating your child with respect" with "encouraging him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant."

I admire this parent who has separated them, respecting a child who may never become self-sufficient or self-reliant. Parenting isn't always quid pro quo. Sometimes we can't see the measure for measure reward for our efforts and that can be difficult.

I wanted to give a little support.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.