The third most important of the ten parenting competencies identified in a recent research study is Relationship Skills. This competency is the ability to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse (or co-parent, as is the case in many frum families today) and model effective relationship skills with other people.
I don't have any statistics on the rising frequency of divorce in our community, but it's my impression that co-parenting has become a skill which we need to address. That's not to say that married couples do not co-parent their children. The term "co-parenting" as used in this study refers to respectful cooperative parenting on the part of two parents who are no longer married to one another, even if they're now married to someone else. It does not mean that two parents who are married to one another are automatically respectful and cooperative. It is a parenting skill to be cultivated by every parent, and it is a skill which can be learned.
How do you create and maintain a healthy and effective relationship with someone? What is the definition of a healthy relationship? Where could such a definition come from? It comes from Devorim 28:9, v'halachta b'drachav, "and walk in His ways." Hashem, prior to creating us, was already self-sufficient, omniscient, and omnipotent. What more could Hashem have possibly wanted? Hashem wanted to give. In order to give, Hashem had to create a recipient. But there was no room for one because Hashem filled the entire universe. So Hashem did something we understand to the best of our ability as tzimtzum, contraction. Hashem limited Hashem's self in order to make room for us. Clearly, we cannot understand how this actually took place or really grasp its meaning. We can, however, and must take hold of its message in order to acquire this parenting competency.
Hashem made room for us, accepted limitation so that we could have a place. Hashem wants to give to us, and needs nothing from us in return. These are the core premises upon which Hashem creates relationship, and the model for the relationships we create as husbands, wives, or formerly married co-parents.
Yes, I wrote that correctly. "Hashem creates relationship." Ha'mechadesh b'tuvoh b'chol yom tamid maasei breishis, Hashem creates this model of relationship again and again, every day, all day. What is the message for us in that? I believe this teaches us that a relationship is not something that we have, it is something that we do again and again. We repeatedly give to others and accept limitation. We continuously remind ourselves that making room for the wants and needs of someone else doesn't devalue us. And it doesn't preclude our asking someone else for what we need from them.
Here the parallel shifts a bit. Hashem doesn't need anything from us, but Hashem does have expectations of us. Hashem expresses the expectations very clearly and gives us what we need to meet those expectations. We do need other people, and we need to have clear expectations, particularly for our children. We maintain healthy relationships by determining and expressing what it is that we want, as well as learning what others want from us.
Hashem's ability to know what we are thinking and wanting is unparalleled. One of the most harmful fallacies is the idea that at some point in the course of a relationship, "you should know what I want." That may be the quintessential unrealistic expectation. To resent someone or be disappointed in her for not saying or doing what you wanted, when it was only because she didn't know what you wanted, is unfair and harmful. It's why one of the most effective relationship skills is the ability to clearly express your wants.
So you're saying that when my child is chutzpadik, I still have to be careful not to show disrespect? How did she earn my respect when she talked to me that way?
It's hard for you to respond to her calmly when you're upset with her. What do you think will happen when you tell her that she spoke to you in an inappropriate manner, and you'll discuss it with her later, and then walk away?
That later conversation is your opportunity to express your wants, not just your displeasure.
Esther, it's not appropriate for you to tell me, "you're so annoying, mom." What is it that you were annoyed about?
I was annoyed that you told me to put my boots onto the towel while I was trying to finish my conversation with Rena.
I want you to put your boots on the towel immediately because otherwise the floor gets dirty and slippery very quickly.
Okay, mom so I got annoyed, next time I'll put my boots on the towel faster, okay?
Yes, I would appreciate that Esther. And if you find it annoying, you're welcome to tell me that it's annoying to have to put your boots on the towel. Sometimes the wet boots and towels on the floor annoy me, too. Winter's not always fun.
Mom expressed her expectations very clearly. She also gave something to Esther. She gave Esther permission to be annoyed, and to express it appropriately. That's what a healthy relationship sounds like; expressing what you want and giving someone else what they need.
But remember something. The research didn't find that it is a vital parenting competency to talk and listen to your child this way. It is important, and it does help children. But it's not the third most powerful way to help your child grow up being happy, healthy, and close to you. Let me repeat what they said:
This competency is the ability to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse or co-parent and model effective relation ship skills with other people.
The most effective parenting takes place when we teach our children how to do what they see us doing, not when we try to get them to be what we're not.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.