Researchers defined "successful parenting" as parenting that results in children who have a strong bond with their parents, and are happy, healthy, and successful. They studied successful parents to discover what competencies led to their success.
They used the term "competencies" rather than techniques or methods of parenting. Success comes from who you are as a parent, rather than what you know how to do. It alludes to you as a person in a relationship with your child rather than you as a collection of behaviors designed to elicit desired behaviors from your child.
How do you gain personal competencies, not just learn new techniques?
I'm just curious, Rabbi Ackerman. What would be different if we were to work with you privately rather than what we learn from your lectures and groups? Wouldn't you be telling us the same things?
It's really very different, Mendy. You've heard some of the men talk about "getting it right more often" since they've been attending the group. They describe helping their children more effectively some of the time, and that they are frustrated the other times when they fall back into saying and doing things that they've learned are not helpful.
Yes, I remember that very well. In fact, Shevy came home from your women's group and when we compared notes she mentioned that the women have said the same kind of thing. I guess I'm not as open as some of the other guys in the group, but I can tell you that I sometimes I think back on how I reacted to my child two days after you told us how to do it differently and realize that I still didn't get it right.
That doesn't mean that you got it wrong, Mendy. It just means you wish you had done it better, and you're not too sure what got in your way. Now you're going to see the difference between the groups that you and Shevy attend, versus the two of you sitting with me privately. Shevy, how "wrong" did Mendy get it? How poorly do you think he does as a father?
I don't think he does poorly at all. He's a wonderful father. I think sometimes he's much too hard on himself and maybe that's why he's hard on our children sometimes, but he spends more time doing homework with them, and playing with them, than I do.
And when I yelled at Chaim last night you weren't angry at me, Shevy? You had quite a look on your face.
No, I wasn't angry at you, Mendy. I felt bad for you that you were so upset, and I knew you were going to feel bad after you yelled at him, and I wasn't sure how to help you. I guess the look you saw was my being frustrated with myself for not knowing what to do, and you thought I was frustrated with you for what you did.
You've been listening in as Mendy and Shevy work on parenting competency number 2, stress management. The study described stress management as follows: You take steps to reduce stress for yourself and your child, practice relaxation techniques and promote positive interpretations of events.
Did you notice how positive interpretation of events plays a significant role in stress management? The event was Shevy making a face when Mendy yelled at their son. The stress was Mendy feeling criticized by his wife, and the stress management is to find out the correct interpretation of Shevy's facial expression. The source for this competency is not only last summer's research study. It's also found in the Ben Ish Chai's commentary Chasdei Avos on Avos 4:8 (in the Siach Yisrael edition, Jerusalem 5747).
Mishna: He (Rabi Yishmael) used to say, al t'hi dan yechidi, don't judge alone.
Chasdei Avos: It may explained, with the help of Heaven, that when you first see or hear something, you interpret it only one way; but, after time, you begin to see other ways of interpreting what you saw or heard. Therefore, a person should not make a judgment quickly based on the first interpretation for it may be misleading. Rather, wait and let some time pass so that your mind will open and you will see new ways of thinking about it, and in the end come to a more accurate interpretation. (my translation, abridged)
The more accurate interpretation of Shevy's facial expression still isn't particularly positive. She was frustrated and unsure of how to help her husband. That is however, not the way Mendy had interpreted it. He thought she was feeling critical towards him, and that was stressful for him. He didn't know how else to interpret it until he learned to ask Shevy what she meant by it. Now that Mendy knows that Shevy felt bad for him, not annoyed at him, he might be a little less unsure of himself as a parent. Now he knows that even when he doesn't do as well as he wishes he would, Shevy doesn't think badly of him. I would call that a positive outcome.
I've taught you relaxation techniques in group settings and you've each told me that you've found those techniques very useful in coping with stress. What you and Shevy teach each other when you meet with me is a different type of stress management. I would say it is the difference between learning how to calm down when something difficult really has happened versus staying calm because you realize how often what happened isn't all that difficult. You still don't get it right every time. It's less stressful when that happens because now instead of expecting criticism, you're expecting help.
Two months later, Mendy and Shevy told me something that was wonderful to hear. They said, "our home has become a calmer place."
Scientists call that stress management. We call it shalom bayis.
And that's just the second most important parenting competency. What could be number 1? Check back, G-d willing, next week. You're going to love it.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.