This past summer, researchers presented a paper at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association. The paper was entitled,” Measuring competencies that predict successful parenting: A preliminary validation study.” Before I share some of their findings with you, I’d like to define some terms.

Validation is a term used in statistical analysis. It is the extent to which a conclusion corresponds accurately to the real world. They were studying what parents do that results in successful parenting in the real world.

They defined ”successful parenting” as parenting that results in children who have a strong bond with their parents, and are happy, healthy, and successful.

They used the term “competencies” rather than techniques or methods of parenting. I think that’s very informative because it describes who you are as a parent, rather than what you know how to do. It alludes to you as a person in a relationship with your child rather than you as a collection of behaviors designed to elicit desired behaviors from your child. Who you are and how you are have little relevance when you are wielding a tool you’ve been taught how to use. As you’ll see, God willing, in this series of articles, the best parenting results from competent people, not skillful use of tools.

Through statistical analysis, these researchers found ten competencies that predict successful parenting outcomes, and were able to measure their relative effectiveness. In other words, they came up with a top 10 list of ways to be a great parent, with number 10 being the least important (and number 10 is very important), and number 1 being the most important competency.

This week, we’ll look at number 10.

The tenth most important competency to master as a parent is to ensure your child’s safety. For young children, this means maintaining an environment in which children are shielded from household chemicals, electrical outlets, window cords, and the like.

As your child grows older, she becomes able to discern physical dangers in her environment without your help. Now she becomes exposed to more subtle dangers in her environment, and her environment expands. You now have to learn what your child is exposed to and how to shield her to the best of your ability. Ask her, “where are you going, with whom are you going, when will you be home, how can I reach you if I need to?” When she says, “don’t you trust me?” calmly say, “yes, most of the time I trust you; and I’m concerned about you.” And stop there. Don’t say anything else. Kal hamarbeh d’varim maivee chait, saying too much leads to mistakes. It is a mistake to think that you will successfully explain to your child that trusting her doesn’t mean that you’re not concerned about her and therefore she should happily tell you everything you want to know. It’s also not really accurate. You don’t trust her to always make good decisions, especially when peer pressure is in play. Isn’t it important for your child to gain a sense of independence and to feel trusted? Yes, and it is part of your competence as a parent is to make distinctions between situations in which it is safe to trust her with her independence and when not to.

One of the touchiest safety related subjects between parents and teens is friends.

Avi, I really don’t like your friend Danny, I wish you wouldn’t spend so much time with him.

Why don’t you like him, mom? He’s always courteous. What does he do that bothers you?

I never said he’s discourteous. What concerns me is that he doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in Yiddishkeit.

I encouraged this mom to express her concerns. We talked about how she imagined that Danny could become a negative influence on her son Avi, and how she could more closely monitor whether Avi was becoming a good influence on Danny. In our community, we understand this mom’s concern, and her role in the religious life of her child.

What role does religion play in the parenting competencies of this secular based study? Did it even make the list? Or is this parenting list another insidious threat to our Yiddishkeit, inviting us to imagine that we could successfully raise our children without Torah.

G-d willing in next week’s article, we’ll see.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men’s and women’s groups now available. Call for details.