Researchers have defined ”successful parenting” as parenting that results in children who have a strong bond with their parents, and are happy, healthy, and successful. They studied parents and found what they call the 10 competencies that successful parents display.
They used the term “competencies” rather than techniques or methods of parenting. I think that’s very informative because it describes who you are as a parent, in addition to what you know how to do.
We’ve been looking at this list of 10 competencies beginning with number 10 and working our way up. Two weeks ago we looked at what they call “safety,” which they describe as taking precautions to protect your child and maintaining awareness of your child's activities and friends.
Last week, we discussed competency number nine, “religion,” the supporting of spiritual or religious development and participating in spiritual or religious activities. Notice the subtle difference between supporting and participating. A front page article in a recent edition of the Flatbush Jewish Journal gave some excellent examples of how parental participation in passionate learning, focused dovening, and appropriate conversation is an essential component of effective parenting.
I used to think that support of these religious activities on the part of our children was a given. Until I had a meeting with Manny and Penina, and their adolescent son Zev.
We came to you, Rabbi Ackerman, because my wife and I disagree about Zev’s walking away from the Shabbos table. I think it is rude when we have company and he walks away from the table in the middle of the meal.
Manny, you know why he walks away. He walks away when our guests start talking about someone they shouldn’t be talking about, and Zev doesn’t want to hear it. What would you rather he do? Sit there and listen to the lashon harah?
Penina, the guests we have at our Shabbos table barely know what Shabbos is, and you expect me to lecture them on lashon harah in the middle of the meal?
Penina was upset that Manny was not supporting their son’s religious activity of avoiding lashon harah, but Manny was trying to participate in the religious activity of kiruv. As our conversation continued, it became clear that both of them would prefer that Zev stay at the Shabbos table. They had presented me with two alternatives. Either Zev remains at the table despite the loshon harah, or Manny corrects the guests when they veer off in that direction. The first choice offends Zev and the second risks offending the guests. I offered them a third alternative.
It sounds like you two are walking a delicate balance between your desire keep the conversation at the Shabbos table within appropriate boundaries, and to accommodate your guests who don’t know what those boundaries are, without lecturing them about them. What do you imagine will happen when you gently change the subject when the conversation seems to be heading in a direction that is not suitable?
Penina has tried that, and I think I probably have, too. Sometimes it works fine, but sometimes our guests seem confused that we’re changing the subject since they don’t know why, so they either become quiet and look uncomfortable, or they just steer the conversation back to where they wanted to go. That’s when Zev makes this face like he’s annoyed, gets up, and storms out of the room, leaving our guests even more uncomfortable.
Penina, when Manny has done his best to change the conversation, and Zev is uncomfortable with what the guests are insisting on talking about, what do you wish they would do?
I wish Manny would give Zev permission to leave the table, and then Zev would leave the table without making an unpleasant face.
What do you think about that, Manny?
Manny: I don’t mind telling Zev that he can leave the table for a few minutes. How will he know when to come back?
Penina: Usually, these kinds of conversations take place between courses. When you’ve finished that conversation and we’re ready for the next course, I’ll go and ask Zev to help me serve, and then he’ll come back to the table.
That’s how complicated “supporting and participating in religious activities” can be. So much for competency number nine, which took us almost 2 full articles to cover something we assume we do naturally.
Which leaves us only a little bit of space to talk about competency number eight,
health, which their study defined as modeling a healthy lifestyle and good habits such as regular exercise and proper nutrition. The expression is “v’nishmartem ma-ode l’nafshosaichem,” take very good care of yourself, not “make sure your kids take good care of themselves.” And, as I mentioned last week, the very last comment in the Be’er ha’Golah on Shulchan Aruch is that someone who is cavalier about his health is an apikoras.
To recap, competency number 10 keeping your children safe, number nine is religious participation and support, and number eight is modeling a healthy lifestyle. What about the classical parenting issue of getting children to behave? G-d willing, we’ll see what their study has to say about that next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men’s and women’s groups now available. Call for details.