Ain simcha k’hataras hasafaikos.  There is no joy like the untying of doubts.

As far as I have been able to discern, that is one of the best known expressions that is found nowhere in shas.  If you can tell me its origin, I would appreciate it.  In the meantime, I have no doubt that the expression can be understood in more than one way.

But which way is the right way, without a doubt?

Either way can be right.  That’s the point.  Ambiguity is not only tolerable; it’s valuable and enlightening.

There are two ways to understand the expression ain simcha k’hataras hasafaikos. One is:

There is nothing as joyful as eliminating doubt and gaining certainty and clarity.

The other is: There is nothing as joyful as being released from doubt, being freed from feeling trapped in doubt.  There is nothing as joyful as being able to accept ambiguity, tolerate uncertainty, and move forward carrying the doubt with you rather than being immobilized by it.

In an article entitled “Turning 60: The Twelve Most Important Lessons I've Learned So Far,” author and management consultant Tony Schwartz wrote:

Let go of certainty. The opposite isn't uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides.

I had to read that a few times in order to grasp the concept that the opposite of certainty is not uncertainty.  It isn’t?  No, it isn’t.  I can be in doubt and accept that I’m not sure that I’m right and I’m not sure that you’re right.  I accept your point of view, your preference, your way of seeing the situation even though I’m not certain that you, or I, have it exactly right.  I can let you win the argument.  According to Pele Yoetz, that may be my most valuable victory.

Here is an excerpt from the sefer Pele Yoetz on Victory (Nitzuach):

The love of victory subjugates and oppresses the Jewish people and delays the coming of Mashiach. It causes controversy among Torah scholars, and all argument, hatred, competition, quarreling, and dispute in the world result from the love of victory. One can see that if a person goes to a sage to “inquire of G-d” regarding laws of things that are permitted or prohibited, he will immediately accept the ruling with love, even if he loses one million golden coins. He will not snicker or scoff; rather, he will declare, “Let Israel say, ‘Blessed is He Who gave us a Torah of truth! How fortunate are the people of Israel!’” Yet, when there is a dispute between men over the smallest monetary sum, they will go to court for judgment. The one who is declared guilty will increase controversy, and he will harbor hatred towards the judges and his co-litigant. How much money and many lives are wasted over matters of gossip! The individuals form themselves into conflicting factions until the flame of the fire of controversy erupts and cannot be extinguished. Each group boasts that their leader won and why should we subjugate ourselves and remain beneath our rival. If only they would be wise and understand, what is the benefit or gain of being the winner or the loser? Truth will show its path, and their real praise is to acknowledge the decision of the judges. Even our revered sages (Shabbat 63b) would announce before the assembly of the congregation of Israel, “Words which I have spoken before you were a mistake!”

Even if a person sees with his plain eyes that he is right and his friends have strayed from the path of understanding, he should not vindicate his position with great power and might. It is better that one concedes and is vanquished, in order to seek and increase peace. Such an individual will be called a winner indeed – for he has conquered his evil inclination and subdued his passion. What is the value of winning against a human being, who is just like him – a vain mortal? He will genuinely be considered a mighty warrior only if he is victorious against a great, powerful, and fearful king, i.e. the Satan, who is the evil inclination – who uses strategies and vanities to wage war against him and topple him into the abyss. If a person will conquer his evil inclination in this matter, it will be his honor and he will merit great honor. According to one’s adversity will be one’s reward. This individual will rise higher and higher!

One simple way to apply this concept is to think about your default answer to something your child asks.  Do you reflexively say, “no?”  Or do you slow down and say, “I don’t know, let me think about it, I’ll get back to you in ten minutes.”

And if you said no, and realized that yes would be an acceptable answer now that you’ve thought about it, are you able to walk over to your child and say, “Words which I have spoken before you were a mistake!”  Or, perhaps, “I thought about it and I’ve changed my mind; the answer is yes.”

I tried what you suggested.  We were in the supermarket, and somehow we always end up in the nosh department.  I had always steeled myself for that.  As soon as chorus of “I want this one; can we get these; but I like those better; but she got what she wanted last time so I should get what I want this time; but I promise I’ll clean up my room as soon we get home; please, please, please, mom, please!” I would tense up and feel like I was about to explode, and as softly as I was able to, I would say, NO! I WILL CHOOSE THE NOSH AND YOU WILL BE QUIET OR I WON”T BUY ANY NOSH AT ALL!!!  Of course, that was an empty threat and they all knew it.  So I did what you suggested.  I told them they could each select one item and even if I didn’t usually buy it, I would because even if I doubted that it was a good choice, I would tolerate my doubt.

She gave her children the benefit of her doubt, and allowed them each to choose one nosh even though she wasn’t sure this was a good idea.  She tolerated that doubt and everyone was victorious.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.