Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

When Yisrael made the Eigel, Hashem became angry and said to Moshe, “go down, for your people have become corrupted.”  Moshe said (to himself), “it is a time of anger, I needn’t speak now.”  What did Moshe do, immediately, “he turned and went down from the mountain. “(Yalkut Shimoni Shelach Lecha section 743)

 

Moshe walked away.  At the most critical point of G-d’s anger, Moshe did nothing.  He didn’t appease, he didn’t explain, he didn’t ask for clemency, he didn’t pray to give them chance.  He turned around and walked away.

 

According to the Yalkut, this is the source for the Mishna in Avos that teaches us al tiratzeh es chavercha b’shas kaasoh, do not attempt to placate someone while they’re angry. 

 

At that time, Moshe came before HaShem and said,” Master of the Universe, etc. forgive them.”  Hashem said to Moshe, “because you waited, I have forgiven as you requested.  (ibid.)

 

“At that time.”  At what time?  At the appropriate time.  At the time of panai yeileichu v’chanichasi lach.   The time when Hashem, kaviyachol, had calmed down.

 

Rav Ovadiah mi’Bartenura quotes this pasuk to remind us that when the anger has diminished, that is the time to placate, soothe, and heal the wounded relationship.   Not to pretend it never happened because “they got over it.”  Rather, to revisit and regret the harm inflicted and seek to make amends.   When victim and perpetrator are in the heat of emotion, neither regret nor forgiveness are likely to be sincere.   Which wouldn’t be so terrible.  What’s terrible is the resentment generated when expressions of regret and forgiveness, unfelt, are imposed.

 

Moshe said (to himself) it is a time of anger, I needn’t speak now.

 

Contrast this with the attitude, “I can’t just ignore it, I have to say something.”

 

Hashem said, “because you waited, I have forgiven as you requested.”

 

By waiting for a propitious time, Moshe accomplished what he knew was vitally important: the forgiveness he sought for the Bnai Yisrael.

 

What could possibly be more important than saving our nation?  Wouldn’t it follow that in such a situation time is of the essence, you can’t afford to waste a second?

No, it does not follow.  Urgency is not integral to importance.  Often, deliberation is a more appropriate response to importance than haste.  Moshe understood this, even in a situation whose outcome was potentially catastrophic.  Especially in a situation of such gravity, the words of the Tiferes Yisrael on al tiratzeh es chavercha b’shas kaasoh should be carefully considered.  He wrote:

 

The Tanna mentioned 4 types of thoughts that burn like flames, “affects” in the vernacular: anger, grief, fear, and shame.  And it is the same with every such thing.  When you see a person gripped in an intense emotion, do not fight against it.  Not only will you not help him, you will cause harm.  [Avos 4:18, s.v. v’al tishtadael]

 

Affect is a set of observable manifestations of a subjectively experienced emotion.  When you see someone experiencing intense emotions, you see their “affect,” the manifestations of their emotions.  When your emotion becomes concern or anxiety over what is happening to them, or even fear of what they may do to you, remind yourself of the words of Pele Yoetz: Ki pri ha’maheerus charata, the fruit of haste is regret.  [Pele Yoetz at the end of the secton entitled Yishuv ha’Daas]  Simply stated: slow down.

 

Renee had heard all of this at my presentation in her shul.  She and her husband Yuri came to discuss how it could apply to them given that their 7 year old and their 6 year old fight over toys daily.

 

But don’t I have to do something?

Yes, Renee, you probably have to do something.  What is there for you to choose from?

What I sometimes do, is take away the toy they were fighting over and tell them that if they’re going to fight over a toy then both of them lose it.

And then they stop fighting? What happens next?

Then they yell at each other over whose fault it was that the toy got taken away. So I sit the two of them down and I ask them why they can’t play together nicely, and each of them explains why it’s the other one’s fault.

I would urge you, Renée, to speak with one child at a time even when the situation involves both of them together.

We’ve tried that.  Yuri took the older one and I took the younger one and neither of us got anywhere with either of them.  We couldn’t get them to calm down.

I’m sure you couldn’t.  The Seforno explained that when someone is struggling with strong emotions they are not capable of receiving whatever help you may try to give them.  [Avos ibid. s.v. Rabi Shimon ben Elazar]   What you are trying to do is appropriate for you as a parent, and I certainly want you to sit down with each of these children and help them figure out how do better next time.   And that’s only going to be useful when you sit down with them at the right time, not while they’re still upset.

 

But what are we supposed to do in the meantime, just let them fight over the toy?

If you are concerned that someone might get seriously hurt, do whatever you need to do to prevent that from happening.  If you’re confident that they are safe, either leave them alone in a situation that is going poorly or intervene and risk making it worse.  You probably won’t make it better at that point in time.  Just walk away, Renee.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.