You’ve probably noticed that my weekly column is entitled Nachas Notes.  I named it after the Nachas Notebook™ which I created many years ago.  It has proven to be a powerful tool for building more effective parents and more successful children.

The Nachas Notebook™ is based on the principle of hakoras hatov, noticing and acknowledging when your child does something well.  There are at least three benefits to building your habit of hakoras hatov by using the Nachas Notebook.™

You get to appreciate how effective your parenting already is.  This can be very helpful at those difficult times when you wonder if you have accomplished anything with this child at all.  You can refer back to the Nachas Notebook™ and reassure yourself that you have.

Your child will come to think of his doing something well as a big deal because you’re making a big deal of it.  The Nachas Notebook™ helps you remember to make a big deal of his successes, and make sure you’re doing it right.  A review of your Nachas Notebook™ entries at the end of the week is a tangible measure of your success at acknowledging your child’s successes.

You will gradually and steadily become better at noticing and acknowledging success.  You will model hakaros hatov more often and more effectively when you follow the specific structure of the Nachas Notebook.™  Over time, you will introduce a new pattern of conversation in your home, a pattern of yishuv hadaas, that comes from realizing that even though you wish things were better, they’re already, more often than you’ve realized, pretty good.

These are some of the benefits that parents have told me they have seen from their work with the Nachas Notebook.™  They’ve told me that it requires serious effort until it becomes a habit.  And they’ve told me that it is well worth it.

I explained all this to Leah and Dovid. They looked skeptical.  He asked his wife if she would be willing to try it.  She said she would if he would do it also.  With a modicum of enthusiasm, he acquiesced.

Okay, we’ll try it. What are we supposed to do, how do we do it?

You begin by each of you buying a notebook and writing on the cover “Chana’s Nachas Notebook.”  Over the course of the next week you write at least four nachas notes in your notebook.  Each nachas note has two components.  

The first component of each note is what Chana did that you considered a success. Write down what you saw her do.

The second component is what you said to her to acknowledge her success.  Write down what you said to her when you saw her do it.  Let’s practice right now.  Give me an example of something that Chana did over the past few days that you considered a success and tell me what you said to her.

Okay, Dovid, go ahead, tell him something that you praised Chana about recently.

You tell him something, Leah.  You spend a lot more time with her than I do.

You’re right, I spend a lot more time telling her to stop doing things she knows she shouldn’t be doing, and trying to get her to do the things she’s supposed to do.  I don’t have much energy left to praise her about anything.

What do you think about that, Leah?  What you think about having no energy left to say something positive to your daughter?

It’s terrible, I know it is, and it has to stop.

Leah, I would rather you think about it as something else you wish to start.  A very good start would be to work at doing a Nachas Notebook™ for Chana.

I understand how it could be helpful.  I just can’t think of anything particularly successful that Chana does that I could write a nachas note about.

Let’s start the other way, Leah.  Tell me some examples of things that Chana does that are unsuccessful, that you do comment on.

Where do I begin?  If I ask her to clean up her room, she’ll put her clothing away but there are still books and papers all over her desk.  If I ask her to set the table, she will forget the glasses, or the dessert forks, or something.  I’ve tried not commenting on it to see if she’ll figure it out on her own and get the job done, but she never does.

Leah, what does Chana’s face look like when you comment on her failing to complete the jobs you just described?

She looks unhappy.

I suspect that when you’re telling her that she didn’t complete one of those jobs your face also looks unhappy.

Yes I suppose it does.

You’re both unhappy.  When you develop the habit of hakoras hatov by using the Nachas Notebook.™ you will both be unhappy less often.  Here is how you would formulate nachas notes in each of the two situations you described.  When she has cleaned her room to the extent of putting her clothing away, you would tell Chana that she did a great job of hanging up her skirts and folding her sweaters and putting them in the drawers.  Then you would ask her to put away the books and papers from her desk as soon as she gets the chance to. 

When you notice that the table is set without glasses, you would comment on how carefully she placed the flatware next to the plates and how neatly she folded the napkins.  Then you would gently remind her to put out the glasses.  I think you and Chana will not look unhappy when you express yourself this way. What do you think?

I think I would feel and sound better about the situation, and I guess she would too.  But what would I write in the Nachas Notebook?™ 

You would write, “Chana set the table very neatly.  I said to her, ‘you set the table really carefully, Chana.  Please put the glasses on the table, too.’”

If you want to add “I’m proud of you,” that’s fine as long as it is secondary.  The primary message is that Chana has done something well.

And never turn her Nachas Notebook.™ against her.

How could that happen?

It could happen if the following week she didn’t set the table as carefully.  If you were to say to her “last week you set the table neatly, why didn’t you this time?” you would be using her nachas note against her.

But she did set it carefully last week so obviously she could have the next time, also.  Why shouldn’t I point that out to her?

Because you risk teaching her to be afraid to do her best.  I want you to teach her that good performance is worthy of acknowledgement and excellent performance is even better.  If you wield her Nachas Notebook™ the way you described you may teach her that her that any excellent performance will become the minimum you expect from her and any less is a failure.  That may teach her to fear success.

Nachas notes are quite powerful, and like most powerful things, they can be harmful when used improperly.  Use them well, and you will learn how to notice nachas that’s already there, and motivate your child to achieve even more.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.