Parenting With Rabbi Ackerman

I hope your grandchildren never need to ask that question. Mine did.

For over a year, I have not been able to roll on the floor with them after gently wrestling them to the ground. I haven’t been able to bounce them on my lap while telling them a story. I haven’t been able to lift them high up in the air to play Frog Hopper, or tickle them when they want me to.

The littlest ones don’t know what they’re missing. But the young ones and the big ones knew something had changed.

I wanted my children to tell theirs that I was not feeling well and would have to be in the hospital for a few days. Some of the older ones know what surgery is, but we didn’t go into detail. They’ve also heard of chemotherapy and radiation, so they were told about that. I don’t think they understood the ramifications until they saw me, sitting with them in the Succah, in severe pain. We had told our children in advance that that would happen; they wanted us to come anyway.

During Chanukah, I went into the hospital for the scheduled surgery. I, and they, thought I’d be home in a few days. Eight days later I had a second, unscheduled, surgery. I went home a week after that.

And home I stayed. I was home instead of being with my wife and my family at my granddaughter’s bas mitzvah. She had been sure I’d be much better by then. I remember her saying to me before the surgeries, “and then you’re going to be okay?”

That brings me to the topic of this article, which is not just a recounting of my difficulties, but a reflection on parenting and grand parenting when a zaidy isn’t well.

What do you say to a child who asks, “what’s wrong with Zaidy?”

Lest you think I could have hidden my illness from them, let me assure you I could not have, even if there hadn’t been my not attending the bas mitzvah to make it obvious that something was wrong.

For example, the Purim seudah. My wife and I were invited to our children’s home, and B”H we both went. Had my grandchildren not known I was sick, they would have wondered, and they would have asked, “why is Zaidy sitting with a blanket over him?” So whether I attended family events or stayed home, it was clear to the children that something was wrong with me.

Can you imagine what it would be like for a child to see that something is wrong with her Zaidy and not know what it is, what is happening to him, and what will become of him? Children have vivid and graphic imaginations. If you don’t tell them something, they’ll imagine worse things. Don’t do that to them. And don’t lie to them.

Do you seriously expect me to tell any of the children that Zaidy isn’t as healthy for the surgery coming up after Shavuous as he had been for the other surgeries and I’m very worried about him?

No, I do not think that is a good idea, and it doesn’t mean that you have to lie.

So what do you suggest that I do? Just not mention the surgery and hope they don’t find out about it until afterwards?

No. I would suggest that you tell them that Zaidy is having another surgery and we are going to daven for him again and b’ezras Hashem, Zaidy will be fine.

My grandchildren did daven for me, as did many of you, my dear readers, and baruch Hashem, I am feeling better than I had been.

Here are some more questions that children often ask.

When a child asks, “but why does Zaidy have to be in the hospital? What are they going to do to him there,” tell him that there are doctors and nurses there who know how to help Zaidy and make him feel better.”

But why can’t the doctors and nurses come to Zaidy’s house to help him?

Because many doctors and nurses work in the hospital, that’s where they work.

But why is Zaidy sick?

That’s a delicate question. You may be tempted to launch into a schmooze on Divine Providence and Hashem’s omniscience and beneficence. That may be appropriate for older children. When a younger child asks that question, he may be more concerned about whether he could “catch” whatever Zaidy has. The best answer is, “Zaidy is not contagious, you cannot get sick from him,” which, in my case, was entirely true.

The other, perhaps more difficult question you’ll often hear is, “is Zaidy ever going to be like he used to be?”

What’s true about that right now is, I don’t know.

So I say, “Im yirtzah Hashem, yes.”

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.