A Jewish-American humorist once said that the reason that grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they share a common enemy.  He was referring to the parents.

It sounded funny at the time.  It’s actually very sad that a child might perceive his parent to be an enemy.  Yet in the hakdama to Chovas Hatalmidim, the Pieczner Rav writes that a child may sometimes see a parent as an aritz,

a tyrant who has come to rule over him with an overpowering hand, who wants to rob him of any selfhood, thought, or desire.  From this confrontational stance, hatred rises deep within the child, against his teacher and his father.  The child has no interest in listening to and internalizing their teachings; he wants only to free himself, to be out from under them.

There is a reason that children sometimes feel upset with their parents.  Parents set boundaries, parents have expectations, parents are unable to give as much time and attention as each child would like.  Many children want everything they want, as soon as they want it, and as often as they want it.  It’s not just unrealistic for parents to provide that, it would be unhealthy for their child.  One of the most important things parents provide for their children is the ability to cope with disappointment.  The more patience and compassion you provide to your disappointed child, the better she will become at coping with disappointment.

One of the sadder mistakes of the 1980s was the concept of “everybody wins.”  Schools attempted to eliminate competition, and as long a child participated, he won.  Twenty years later, therapists were seeing twenty-somethings who were devastated to discover that Human Resources departments where they applied for jobs hadn’t subscribed to the “everybody wins” concept.  These young men and women could not cope with being turned down, being told that even though they had participated and tried their best, they didn’t win, they didn’t get the position for which they’d applied.  Disappointment was new and painful to them and they had no idea how to survive it.  Make sure you prepare your child better than that.

Don’t give her everything she wants, and don’t criticize her for wanting more than you are willing or able to give her.  And never tell her she shouldn’t be disappointed when she is.  To forbid a child her feelings is tyrannical.

So we see how it comes to be that parents and children, sadly but not tragically, may be upset with and disappointed in one another.  It is part of the growing process that both children and parents find hard. It is necessary, even beneficial. 

What’s left to ponder is how it is that grandparents and grandchildren have it so good, that the dimension of “enemy” does not enter into their relationship even from time to time.   Could it be, really, that grandparents present no expectations, that they set and maintain no boundaries, that they give each child all of the time and attention each child wants?  That’s hard to imagine.  So what’s different, how do grandparents cultivate a different relationship from that of a parent?

Here’s how.  Here is how some 8 year old children answered the question: What Is A Grandparent?  And, in their answers, we will see how parents can be a little more like grandparents, sometimes.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except to be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. When they take us for a walk, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

Grandparents show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on cracks.

They don't say 'hurry up".

They have to answer questions like "Why is the sky blue" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They let us have snacks before bed time and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

These are what children cherish about their grandparents.  You, as a parent, can be grandparent-like sometimes.

Your child will appreciate it when, for three minutes, you don't have to do anything except to be there when he comes to ask you something.

When you, sometimes, slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars and share your child’s wonder.

Your child will be calmer when you don't say 'hurry up."

Every parent should try to be like a grandmother, sometimes, to be a grownup who likes to spend time with your child, and truly enjoys those moments.  Children can tell when you’re just “doing your time.”

Every parent should gently kiss a child, even when they've acted bad.

Grandparents have more time to enjoy their grandchildren.  You can choose to spend more time enjoying your children.  It may not be easy.  But they, and you, are worth it.

I’ll leave you with a story that gave me a smile.  I hope you’ll smile at your child when you wonder if he thinks this way, too.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport!"

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.

A Jewish-American humorist once said that the reason that grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they share a common enemy.  He was referring to the parents.

It sounded funny at the time.  It’s actually very sad that a child might perceive his parent to be an enemy.  Yet in the hakdama to Chovas Hatalmidim, the Pieczner Rav writes that a child may sometimes see a parent as an aritz,

a tyrant who has come to rule over him with an overpowering hand, who wants to rob him of any selfhood, thought, or desire.  From this confrontational stance, hatred rises deep within the child, against his teacher and his father.  The child has no interest in listening to and internalizing their teachings; he wants only to free himself, to be out from under them.

There is a reason that children sometimes feel upset with their parents.  Parents set boundaries, parents have expectations, parents are unable to give as much time and attention as each child would like.  Many children want everything they want, as soon as they want it, and as often as they want it.  It’s not just unrealistic for parents to provide that, it would be unhealthy for their child.  One of the most important things parents provide for their children is the ability to cope with disappointment.  The more patience and compassion you provide to your disappointed child, the better she will become at coping with disappointment.

One of the sadder mistakes of the 1980s was the concept of “everybody wins.”  Schools attempted to eliminate competition, and as long a child participated, he won.  Twenty years later, therapists were seeing twenty-somethings who were devastated to discover that Human Resources departments where they applied for jobs hadn’t subscribed to the “everybody wins” concept.  These young men and women could not cope with being turned down, being told that even though they had participated and tried their best, they didn’t win, they didn’t get the position for which they’d applied.  Disappointment was new and painful to them and they had no idea how to survive it.  Make sure you prepare your child better than that.

Don’t give her everything she wants, and don’t criticize her for wanting more than you are willing or able to give her.  And never tell her she shouldn’t be disappointed when she is.  To forbid a child her feelings is tyrannical.

So we see how it comes to be that parents and children, sadly but not tragically, may be upset with and disappointed in one another.  It is part of the growing process that both children and parents find hard. It is necessary, even beneficial. 

What’s left to ponder is how it is that grandparents and grandchildren have it so good, that the dimension of “enemy” does not enter into their relationship even from time to time.   Could it be, really, that grandparents present no expectations, that they set and maintain no boundaries, that they give each child all of the time and attention each child wants?  That’s hard to imagine.  So what’s different, how do grandparents cultivate a different relationship from that of a parent?

Here’s how.  Here is how some 8 year old children answered the question: What Is A Grandparent?  And, in their answers, we will see how parents can be a little more like grandparents, sometimes.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except to be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. When they take us for a walk, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

Grandparents show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on cracks.

They don't say 'hurry up".

They have to answer questions like "Why is the sky blue" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over and over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They let us have snacks before bed time and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

These are what children cherish about their grandparents.  You, as a parent, can be grandparent-like sometimes.

Your child will appreciate it when, for three minutes, you don't have to do anything except to be there when he comes to ask you something.

When you, sometimes, slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars and share your child’s wonder.

Your child will be calmer when you don't say 'hurry up."

Every parent should try to be like a grandmother, sometimes, to be a grownup who likes to spend time with your child, and truly enjoys those moments.  Children can tell when you’re just “doing your time.”

Every parent should gently kiss a child, even when they've acted bad.

Grandparents have more time to enjoy their grandchildren.  You can choose to spend more time enjoying your children.  It may not be easy.  But they, and you, are worth it.

I’ll leave you with a story that gave me a smile.  I hope you’ll smile at your child when you wonder if he thinks this way, too.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport!"

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.