It’s hard to believe it was that long ago. I recall that it was a very pleasant day in May of 1978. A mom came to me concerned about her daughter who was very frightened of a monster in her room when she went to bed at night. The mom told me that she would go into her daughter’s room, turn on the light, and look under the bed together with her daughter to reassure her that there was no monster there. But it wouldn’t take very long before her daughter came out of the room crying again, saying, “but mommy, there’s a monster there now. I’m scared.”
I suggested that mom go into her daughter’s room and leave the light off. Sit down on her daughter’s bed and wait a few minutes until her eyes adjusted to the dark after explaining to her daughter that that’s what she’s doing. Then look under the bed together with her daughter in the dark. Look and feel around under the bed and anywhere else that the monster might be. When you and your daughter agree that there is no monster in the dark room, smile at her and say, “I’m glad we checked really carefully, because now we know there’s no monster here for sure, right?”
Don’t ruin it by frowning and saying, “You see, I told you there was no monster in your room. So stop being silly and go to sleep.” If you say this to your child, you inform her that she was foolish and once again you were right and she was wrong.
By saying, “I’m glad we checked really carefully, because now we know there’s no monster here for sure,” you teach her to respect her concerns and investigate them even when you don’t share them.
Renowned child psychologist and parent educator Haim Ginott wrote three books that have become classics in the field: Between Parent and Child, Teacher and Child: A book for Parents and Teachers, and Between Parent and Teenager. Here are some of his thoughts on helping fearful children with different types of fears.
No matter what the nature of the fear, never tell a child, “there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
When a child is told, "There is nothing to be afraid of," his fear increases. The child gets thrice frightened: In addition to his original fear, he is now afraid to be afraid and fearful that he will not be able to hide his fright. Fear does not vanish when banished. It does not disappear when its existence is not recognized. When a child is afraid, it is best to acknowledge his fear openly and with respect.
One type of fear Ginott addresses is the fear of punishment. Remember that harsh criticism is a severe and painful form of punishment. Ginott gives this example of how to do it right.
Wendy knocks over a bookcase and the teacher comes over and starts to help without saying a word. Wendy says "I spoiled my first day in school. Everything is going wrong."
The teacher replies: It has been a rough morning for you.
Wendy: It sure has, do you want to hear what happened?
Teacher: Tell me.
Imagine what it would have been like for Wendy had her teacher said, “you need to be more careful, now put everything back onto the shelves.” It’s true that the teacher is frustrated with the mess and wants it cleaned up. But a caring teacher will postpone the clean up for three minutes to allow the child to talk about her embarrassment and fear, thus assuaging both. Think about Wendy’s feelings towards the caring teacher and her willingness to cooperate and learn from her, in contrast with her feelings towards the critical teacher. It’s a three minute investment that will pay large dividends.
Another type of fear for children is the fear of getting hurt. A child who is on the way to the doctor’s office for a shot is quite sure it’s going to hurt. Don’t offer false reassurance saying, “It won’t hurt that much.” How do you know? He may experience pain very differently from the way you do. If you tell him, “It won’t hurt that much” and he finds it very painful, you have also lost his trust. I know you didn’t mean to lie to him, but that will be his perception. Don’t do it.
Ginott gave an example of a girl getting a vaccine in school.
When she came back tearful, the teacher said, "It hurt didn't it?"
She did not use cold logic by saying something like, "You needed it for your own good." Nor did she invalidate the child by saying "It couldn't have hurt that much." Instead she recognized feelings, acknowledged wishes and offered a helpful gesture.
I would like to offer one more example of a different type of fear, our children face: fear of failure. Many parents hold their children to a very high standard in all three of the areas in which they can fail. Children can fail academically, socially, and behaviorally. Failing at any one of these three is rarely debilitating. The fear of failing at any one of these three can be severely debilitating. When a child fears failure he may become unwilling to risk trying. You can prevent and correct this downward spiral.
When your child fails don’t ask, “why didn’t you study harder,” or, “why don’t you spend more time with friends,” or, “why can’t you control yourself.”
Instead ask, “what do you think about what happened? What was that like for you? How could you get a better outcome next time?” Teach him that failure is common and unfortunate, and seldom catastrophic.
Then be sure to generously notice and acknowledge his successes.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.