"Why?" - NOT Part 1

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

As Pesach approaches, I am reminded of the perhaps apocryphal but nonetheless amusing story of the knighting ceremony for Sir Moses Montefiore. When Queen Victoria touched the sword to his shoulder and dubbed him "Sir Moses," the expected Latin response escaped his mind. Panic stricken, he blurted out, "mah nishtana ha-layla hazeh mikal ha-lailos." The puzzled Queen turned to her aide and asked, "why is this knight different from all the others?"

I guess we shouldn't be surprised that Queen Victoria translated the Hebrew sentence the way that she did. Many of us were taught to translate it this same way. I'm not sure this is an accurate translation. I am sure it can be a problematic one.

Mah tovu oholecha Yaakov clearly does not mean, "why are your tents good, Yaakov?" In fact, it isn't a question at all, it's a statement of observation: how wonderful are your tents, Yaakov! It would appear more accurate, therefore, to also translate the famous expression "mah nishtana" as a statement of observation: how different this night is from all other nights!

The following so-called "four questions" are actually the observations that explain the exclamation, "how different this night is!" In fact, the Hebrew/Yiddish term for these examples is not "the 4 shailos," or "questions." They are called "the 4 kashyos," four things that are unusual or difficult to understand.

That's why I believe the translation "why is this night different" is not as accurate. But even if it isn't as accurate, what's the problem? Is there any harm in translating it this way?

On all other nights, maybe not. But the Pesach seder is the quintessential chinuch opportunity and it's important that we do it right. Everything about the Pesach seder informs parents how to teach our children. Let's look at three fundamental lessons that the Seder teaches us about how to teach our children.

1. Teach by example. The Rambam tells us that we have to show ourselves that we were freed from bondage. We do this by all of the behaviors we engage in the course of the Seder, and we invite our children to join us in what we are doing, rather than telling them what they should do.

2. Make sure that expectations are concrete, and celebrate success. We drink specific amounts of wine, and eat specific amounts of matzo and maror. Then, knowing that we have succeeded because we knew what the expectations were, we celebrate our success with chasal siddur pesach.

3. Talk about the elephant in the living room. When things are different, invite children to express their surprise rather than hoping they won't notice, or saying to them, "because I said so." Teach children how to express themselves appropriately when they don't understand something.

Which brings us to my problem with the word "why." When a child looks at the anomalies of the Seder night and says, "why are you doing all this?" the haggada labels him the rasha. That's because the word "why" demands explanation and justification and puts the recipient on the defensive. While it is clearly inappropriate for a child to put a parent on the defensive, it is seldom helpful for a parent to put a child on the defensive. When instead, a child expresses puzzlement at the unusual foods and format of the Seder, and asks for additional information to help him or her understand it, chinuch begins, and you teach him everything right through the laws of the afikomen.

Similarly, when a child disappoints us, it is seldom helpful to ask the child why he or she did what they did. Often, their answer is, "I don't know." G-d willing, in a future article, we will explore what they really mean by that answer, and how to avoid getting it.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parenting Mentor for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.

He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.

Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.