"Why?" - NOT Part 2

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

It was an all too typical Friday night seudah. Baila asked her father to sing Shalom Aleichem slowly so she could keep up. Devoiry whined that it's going to be boring, he should sing it fast. Shloime started to sing it in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn't so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine. Mom went to get napkins while fighting back tears. Dad asked Danny a question he'd asked many times before, and he got the same answer.

Danny, why did you do that?

I don't know.

First, let's analyze this futile exchange. Then we'll explore the veracity of Danny's answer, and finally, with the help of a mishna in Pirkei Avos, help dad to identify a different question that will get both of them a better outcome next time around.

Dad asked Danny a "why" question. Why questions seldom lead to good conversations, because they put the recipient of the question on the defensive. When you ask someone why they did something, they are expected to justify what they did. That works out fine if the questioner is curious about the justification and the recipient of the question has one. For example, "why did you just drive the car across the street?" "Because of alternate side of the street parking tomorrow." "Oh, okay."

It doesn't work that well when dad asks Danny "why did you do that?" Think about it. What is the answer that Danny can say to his father, to which his father would reply, "oh, okay." Don't think about it too long. There is nothing that Danny can say to his father in response to the question "why did you do that" that dad will consider acceptable. That's the futility of the exchange.

What do I mean by "the veracity of Danny's answer?" Danny's answer is truthful. Danny is not saying that he does not know why he pushed Shloime. In fact, not only does Danny know why he pushed Shloime, dad also knows why he pushed Shloime, which is the second problem with dad's question. Not only is there no acceptable answer; dad already knows the answer: Danny pushed Shloime because he was upset with him! But that's not acceptable. Therefore, Danny truthfully said, "I don't know," meaning, "I don't know what to say to you that you will find acceptable." What else does dad wish he would have said?

Does dad wish Danny would say, "I'm sorry, I should not have pushed him?" I guess that dad might be content with that once or twice, but I suspect after a while dad won't want to hear that either. At that point, Danny will still be getting upset with Shloime, and dad will still be annoyed with Danny and we are all ready for some help from the mishna.

Al tirazeh es chaveracha b'shas kaasoh. "Do not attempt to soothe someone when they are angry." The Tiferes Yisroel says that this applies not only to anger but to any intense emotional experience, and he writes that attempting to help someone too soon not only will not help but will make things worse. However, the pasuk says, panay yaleichu v'hanichosi lach, "when my anger subsides I will help you," implying that while we can't help someone when they and we are very upset, we should seek to help them when we've all calmed down.

Here's how the mishna would apply in our situation. The next time that Danny pushes Shloime, dad would realize that both he and Danny are now upset about something, and therefore this is not the time to work on it. Dad takes a deep breath, reminds himself that no one is in any danger, and says to Danny, "I would like to speak with you, IYH, Shabbos afternoon." It would be even better if dad could make a specific time and place to have this conversation with no one else around and no other topics. In other words this conversation is about what Danny can do when he is upset with Shloime, and not about cooperating with clearing the table or hanging up his dovening jacket or anything else. No gilgul shavua, just one topic at a time.

During this conversation, rather than lecturing, explaining, or correcting, dad will ask a different question that will get both of them a better outcome next time around.

IYH in a future article we will discuss how to formulate and express that question.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parenting Mentor for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.

He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.

Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.