"Why?" - NOT Part 3

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Shloime started to sing Shalom Aleichem in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn't, so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine.

Dad knows what NOT to do at this point. He knows not to ask Danny why he pushed his brother. First of all dad already knows why Danny pushed his brother; he pushed him because he was upset with him. Secondly, dad knows that there is no acceptable answer to the question, "why did you do that?" It would not be at all helpful to ask Danny why he did what he did.

Interestingly, dad and Danny share the exact same predicament. They're both trying to address something they don't like, they both know what not to do or say, and they both don't know what to do or say instead! Children very often repeat behaviors that parents don't like, even after they've been told not to do it again. Sometimes, this is because they don't know what else to do, and it's very difficult to do nothing. Every Shabbos morning we say the posuk, sur mai'ra v'asaih tov, "turn from evil and do good." I believe this implies that the way to turn from evil in a lasting way is to do something else that is good. That's because if you just turn from evil and you don't replace it, sooner or later you'll probably end up there again.

The role of a parent is to discipline children. The word "discipline" is derived from the Latin discipere - to grasp intellectually, analyze thoroughly. So the primary role of a parent is not to make children turn from evil by punishing them. That might make them turn from evil but it doesn't analyze what is drawing them to the evil and it doesn't help them grasp intellectually what to do instead the next time they are drawn to it. So they return to it, they make the same mistake again, or apologize again, and perhaps get punished the same way again. That's what's been happening to Danny, and both he and dad would like to stop going around this circle.

Let's see how to help dad to break out of the vicious cycle of punishing Danny for inappropriate behavior only to have Danny repeat the same behavior again. Then we'll see how dad can help Danny with Danny's frustration over Shloime's behaviors. The goal here is to reverse the direction and nature of the flow. Danny becomes frustrated and annoyed when Shloime refuses to stop singing his silly song. Then dad becomes frustrated and annoyed with Danny for pushing Shloime. It's a flow of frustration and annoyance proceeding from Shloime through Danny to dad. In order to reverse the flow and the tone, dad will slow down long enough to analyze the situation, and use his intelligence to identify an asiah tov, a better alternative for himself when he is does not like what Danny did, rather than asking "why did you do it." In this case, the analysis is that Danny probably doesn't know what else to do. The obvious alternative is to use dad's intelligence to figure out what Danny should do instead. But I have a better one.

I would prefer that dad present his analysis to Danny, and invite Danny to use his intelligence to come up with an alternative that is acceptable to dad. I am often impressed with the ideas that children come up with, and they are more likely to be invested in an idea that was their own.

Remember, this conversation is taking place when both dad and Danny are calm.

Here's what it sounds like:

Danny, you seemed really upset with Shloime when he was singing that silly way and you asked him not to and he kept on doing it. What could you do next time you're upset with him for singing that way, instead of pushing him?

I don't know.

Yes, I hear you asking me, so what did we accomplish, that's the answer we got when we asked "why did you do that."

There is a very big difference. This time, Danny does not have any answers to dad's question, but given time, he'll probably come up with some. Instead of racing around the same circle and going nowhere, when dad and Danny slow down and listen to each other, they will eventually get much further. What does dad do in the meantime? IYH we'll explore that in our next article.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.

He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.

Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.