"Why?" - NOT Part 4

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Dad, I didn't mean to knock over the Kiddush cup, and I really feel bad that mom started to cry. I just get so angry at Shloime when he makes fun of mitzvos. I know I shouldn't have pushed him but I can't stand it when he does that. I told him to stop but he just ignored me. I hate that!

This conversation is taking place in a sunny corner of the dining room on Shabbos afternoon. The other children are out playing with friends, and mom is taking a nap. While calmly sipping on their lemonade, Danny and his dad are working together to move from frustration to success, and from disappointment to nachas, respectively. Danny has been frustrated with Shloime and dad has been disappointed in Danny. Let's listen to more of their conversation.

So it really bothers you, Danny, when Shloime sings Shalom Aleichem in that silly voice. It's like he is making fun of the mitzvah. You really wish he would sing it in a more respectful way.

At this point, dad waited to hear what Danny had to say. Dad did not tell Danny that singing Shalom Aleichem isn't really a mitzvah, and he didn't explain to Danny that since Shloime is very young we have to be more tolerant of him. Dad didn't tell Danny anything, he just made it clear to that him that he was listening carefully to what Danny was saying. Then dad sat quietly, patiently waiting while Danny thought about what he wanted to say next. Thirty seconds feels like a very long time when you're sitting silently, respectfully allowing someone to gather their thoughts. When Danny finally spoke, dad knew it had been worth the wait.

I guess I shouldn't get that upset with him, he's a little kid. I understand that we're singing Shalom Aleichem to greet the Shabbos malachim, but for him it's just another song. You know what dad; I'm going to cut him a lot more slack. I'm really going to try to focus on what Shalom Aleichem means to me, and then I won't even notice how he's singing it. And dad…this was a really good conversation, thanks for helping me figure this out!

Dad really did help Danny figure it out. Dad gave Danny two vital tools with which to work on his problem: time and confidence. Dad provided Danny some quiet, relaxed time with no interruptions and no distractions, enhanced by dad's patient, soothing presence. Then, dad listened, acknowledged what he heard, and waited quietly while Danny pondered his dilemma. Dad was silent. Danny heard him loud and clear, and his confidence grew as he realized that his father trusted him to analyze his problem and identify solutions rather than needing to be told what to do.

The mishna in Avos says, al t'hi dan yechidi, usually translated as, "don't judge a case by yourself." The ben Ish Chai writes that this also means when you see or hear something, don't assume that your first interpretation is the only possible one. Think about what else it could mean, what else could be happening. If you aren't able to judge someone else's behavior in a favorable light, don't assume there isn't one. Ask them, "what did you mean by that," in a curious tone of voice, rather than, "why did you do that," spoken critically.

Dad invited Danny to think about Shloime's behavior, and Danny was able, on his own, with dad's support, to think about Shloime's behavior in a more favorable way.

It was a typical Friday night seudah, yet better in a way. Baila asked her father to sing Shalom Aleichem slowly so she could keep up. Devoiry whined that it's going to be boring, he should sing it fast. Shloime started to sing it in a silly voice. Danny didn't tell him to stop. He smiled at his little brother, knowing that someday he too would understand how special it is to welcome the Shabbos melachim to their home.

I have never identified Danny's age. That's because I have found that young children, adolescents, and teenagers, given the opportunity, come up with wonderful ideas and solutions. One mom told me she was stunned when she presented her 3 year old daughter with a dilemma, and her child came up with an idea that worked really well. Give your child a chance. He'll appreciate your confidence in him, and you'll enjoy the nachas.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.

He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.

Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.