Worth It

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Have you ever been to a psychotherapist?

I don't hear that question very often when standing around at a kiddush or sitting around at a sholom zachor. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard that question in a social setting.

Here's a conversation I don't think I've ever heard:

You know, I'd been having a lot of discomfort with my daughter. It was really painful for a while so I decided to see a therapist about it and she really helped us.

That's so interesting. About a year ago I was having a lot of pain with my son, and after only eight sessions with a therapist, we're feeling a whole lot better. And my sister-in-law told me, she had the same kind of thing a few months ago, and she and her husband worked with a therapist for a few months, and she says they're still doing much better.

"Well of course," I hear you saying to yourself, "nobody talks about that kind of thing." You're right.

And we'll come back to this. But first, let's look at another hypothetical conversation.

You know, I'd been having a lot of discomfort with my left knee. It was really painful for a while so I decided see a therapist about it and she really helped me.

That's so interesting. About a year ago I was having a lot of pain in my right knee, and after only eight sessions with a therapist, I'm feeling a whole lot better. And my sister-in-law told me, she had the same kind of thing a couple of years ago, and worked with a therapist for a few months, and she says she's still doing much better.

Have you heard that conversation? I know I have.

"Yes, but that's different," I hear you saying to yourself, "you can talk about that kind of thing." You're right, again. But something's very wrong.

It's wrong for a child, and a parent, to suffer because they're ashamed and afraid to tell anyone that they're hurting. What are they ashamed of? That it's their fault? That they'll be blamed for not doing better than they did, and not knowing how to fix it? Are they afraid that it will be hard for them to learn how to do things differently?

And are you sure there is no room for shame and fear when your knee hurts? Here's one more conversation to think about:

Orthopedist: "It's a good thing you came when you did, Eli. You're only 41 and you have the knees of an 80-year-old. What have you been doing?"

Eli: "I know I should've been stretching before I played basketball all those years, and then I started putting on weight, so I got a treadmill. I read some articles that I should walk fast rather than jogging cause the jogging could hurt my knees, but I get my miles done faster if I jog, so I jog. What can you do for me, doc?"

Orthopedist: "To replace both knees is a five-hour surgery. You can expect to spend about two weeks having inpatient rehab, and then probably a few months outpatient. You're going to have some pain for a while, but in the long run you're going to be a lot more comfortable"

Eli: "Yeah, I guess it's worth it."

It sounds like Eli is ashamed that he didn't take better care of his knees, and he's probably afraid of the surgery and the lengthy rehabilitation. Yet he decided that it's worth it to overcome his shame in order to tell someone that he is hurting. Even though the surgery and recuperation are daunting, he's managing to conquer his fear because it's worth it. And six months later, standing around at the kiddush, he'll tell anybody who's listening about what he went through and how it was worth it. He's not telling it over so people will know how brave he was to overcome his shame and his fear. He is telling it so that other people will hear how it was worth it, and maybe they'll be encouraged to get that kind of help, too.

Eli, despite his embarrassment over not doing better than he did in taking care of his knees, and despite his fear of what it would take to heal them, sought help, and then told others of his experience so they can learn from it and be encouraged. Because it was worth it.

It, his knee, was worth it, because it was hurting and he wanted it to heal, and he didn't know how to heal it so he reached out for help. And then he told others so they'd be encouraged by his experience.

When a child and a parent are hurting, hurting each other and hurting inside, there may be a lot of shame, and the healing process might be lengthy and painful.

They're worth it.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, created The Nachas Notebook ™ , and has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.