Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

This is the last of a series of articles that began with four statements.

I can’t let him see me cry.

You made mommy sad.

You shouldn’t get so angry.

You don’t hate your brother.

As we’ve seen in the past articles, the first three statements are inaccurate.  

The fourth one may be dangerous for your child.

Noted parent educator and author Elizabeth Crary wrote: Children who recognize and trust their feelings are more able to resist uncomfortable touch.  You can model talking about your feelings.  Avoid labeling feelings as good or bad – feelings are neither good nor bad.  Avoid discounting feelings – “You don’t hate your brother,” or “You shouldn’t feel mad about a little thing like that.” 

[Pick Up Your Socks...and Other Skills Growing Children Need; Parenting Press, Inc. 1990; page 106 (Teaching Personal Safety Summary Sheet)]

I have had parents tell me that they know how important it is to validate their child’s feelings.   Here’s an example:

My son Menachem told me that his brother Yoni took Menachem’s camera without his permission and left it at the playground and now it’s lost.  Menachem said, ‘he always takes my things no matter how many times I tell him not to, and you can make him buy me a new one, but I’ll never get back the pictures that I took while we were on vacation.  I hate him!”  I validated Menache’s feelings, I said, “you sound really angry, but I’m sure you don’t really hate your brother, now do you?”

This particular mom’s version of validating her son’s feelings was to inform him that she is aware of what he is feeling and that what he’s feeling is not appropriate.  Unfortunately, many parents seem to understand validating in the same way that this mother did.   Telling your child that you know how he feels and he has no right to feel that way is not validating his feelings.   What you’re actually doing is expressing your displeasure and discomfort with the feelings your child just expressed.  Your child is now supposed to stop feeling what he just told you he was feeling so that you won’t feel displeasure and discomfort.   What you described as validating was actually discounting your child’s feelings and expecting him to validate yours.

I explained to this mom that it would be more helpful for her to think about recognizing and respecting her son’s feelings as genuine without correcting or judging them.  She was not sure she liked this idea.

So I’m supposed to agree that Menachem should hate his brother for what happened?

No, accepting your child's feelings doesn't mean you agree with his feelings.   It means that you are interested in and respectful of how he feels.  When the Torah teaches us “lo tisneh es acheecha b’lvavecha” the targum Yonasan ben Uziel translates it to mean that we shouldn’t sound happy with someone while feeling hatred toward them.  Rabi Yitzchak miKorvil, the SMaK, is more explicit.  He wrote, “don’t hate him in your heart while showing him a pleasant countenance; make clear to him your hatred.”   [MiMayanos haNetzach, Vayikra, page 78]

I thought you’re only supposed to hate someone who did an aveira and repeated it after you give him tochacha?

Yes, and you said that Menachem has repeatedly asked Yoni not to take his things without his permission.   What would you prefer?  Would you like Menachem to hide his feelings from you?   I think it’s much healthier for him to express himself to you.   If you continue to tell him that his feelings are unacceptable, it may be that he’ll stop feeling that way.   I think it’s far more likely that the next time he feels that way he will make sure not to tell you.   Are you sure that’s what you would prefer?

So I’m supposed to feel okay with him hating his brother?

No.  I don’t expect you to be okay with his hating his brother.  What I would wish you would realize is that his telling you that he hates his brother may imply that he is not okay with it either and he’s turning to you to let him speak it out so he can get past it.  Let him express his anger, his frustration, his resentment, rather than being ashamed of feeling that way sometimes, which is what you do to him when you tell him that he mustn’t hate his brother.  Help him learn to cope with his feelings and express them appropriately.

Rivkie was having trouble coping with her feelings.   She expressed herself by telling her son Menachem that he had to stop hating his brother because she couldn’t stand how it made her feel.   Rivkie was so caught up in how terrible it was for her to hear that Menachem hated his brother that she missed the message within his words, the message that he felt bad about hating his brother.   She wasn’t able to help Menachem, and ending up making him feel worse about himself so she could feel better about herself.

The danger in this entire scenario is that Menachem might learn to tolerate mistreatment rather than trusting his instincts and emotions.   He might decide that telling his mother that he is angry with someone for touching him inappropriately will upset her; he isn’t allowed to hate someone for causing him harm.   Rather than telling his father or another trusted adult, he might internalize the message that it is bad to hate anyone, and you have to accept what you receive, even when it makes you uncomfortable.

Telling Menachem not to hate his brother for losing his camera could lead him to accept inappropriate touch?  Are those in any way comparable?   Perhaps for you, an adult, the violation of your property and the violation of your personal space are two very different things.  For a 10 year old, they might not be.

Teach your child to listen to the messages his emotions provide to him, to share them with you, and to express himself in ways that respect himself and others.