Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

This series of articles began with four statements.

I can’t let him see me cry.

You made mommy sad.

You shouldn’t get so angry.

You don’t hate your brother.

One of these four statements may actually be dangerous for your child.  The other three are simply inaccurate.  Over the past two weeks, we’ve discussed the inaccuracy of the first two.

This week we’ll see what is inaccurate about the third one, and what to say instead.

Let’s begin by exploring the contrast between anger and three other emotions as addressed in Pirkei Avos.

Rabbi Eleazar ha-Kappar used to say: Jealousy, lust and [the desire for] honor put a man out of the world. [4:28]

What about anger?  Why isn’t anger in that list?  And what does Pirkei Avos teach us about anger?

Rabbi Eliezer used to say: do not be easy to anger. [2:10]

There are four types of temperaments.  One who is easily angered and easily appeased: his shortcoming overrides his virtue.  One whom it is difficult to anger and difficult to appease: his virtue overrides his shortcoming.  One whom it is difficult to anger and is easily appease is a chassid.  One who is easily angered and is difficult to appease is wicked. [5:14]

The Torah is acquired with 48 ways. These are: ... slowness to anger. [6:6]

There is no Mishna that prescribes moderation in jealousy, lust or the desire for honor.  We are not taught to be slow to become jealous, and no virtue is accorded to one whose lust is seldom aroused.  Conversely, there is no Mishna that warns us against anger in the categorical terms reserved for the other three.

The reason for this is that there is nothing categorically wrong with the feeling of anger.   We may go very wrong in how we express our anger, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling angry sometimes.

The feeling we describe as anger is an internal message that something is not the way we would like it to be.   It may be something that someone said or did, and it may be something we are angry about at ourselves.   Like most emotions, anger is a catalyst for action.   In other words, anger is an emotional reaction to something we have experienced and it drives us to do something in response.

Rochel loves to play morah.  She sets up four chairs next to each other and puts a doll onto each of the chairs.   Then she very gently explains things to them that she had learned in her first grade classroom earlier that day.   It’s really quite adorable to watch, until her three-year-old brother walks into the room.  Mendy likes nothing better than to tip each of the chairs until the doll falls onto the floor.  For some reason he finds that absolutely hilarious.   Not surprisingly, Rochel does not share in the glee.  I can understand her being unhappy about it; what I don’t understand is why she gets so angry about it.  It’s bad enough when she screams at him at the top of her lungs.   Very often pushes him until he falls down.   When I ask her why did you push him and knock him down, she says, “Because he pushed the chairs and knocked my dolls down so I knocked him down.”   So then I say to her, “would you like it if I knocked you down onto the floor now because you knocked your brother down onto the floor?” and she’s says no.   More recently, she’s tried to explain to me why it’s not the same thing.  She tells me the she had a reason to knock him down because he knocked her dolls down for no reason but I don’t have a reason to knock her down because she did have a reason for knocking him down, and all of this seems to make perfect sense to her.   I keep telling her that none of this would happen if she would just stop getting so very angry at her brother for knocking her dolls off of the chairs onto the floor.  I even said to her, “did any of your dolls ever get broken, did any of their clothing ever get torn, why you make such a big deal out of it, why must you get so angry, you shouldn’t get so angry!”

Whoa, as you are telling that over to me you sound a bit angry yourself.  How do you sound when you say that to Rochel?

I probably sound pretty angry because I’ve been through this with her so many times and I can’t seem to get anywhere.

I see.  And if I were to say to you, “you shouldn’t get so angry!” how do you imagine that would be helpful for you?

You’re right, it wouldn’t be helpful to me at all.  So how do I get her to stop getting so angry?

I don’t know that you need to get her to stop getting so angry.  I would rather you help her figure out what to say and what to do when she is that angry instead of what she’s been doing up until now.   Even though none of her dolls has been broken or torn, her pretend play has been interrupted and I can imagine that that’s very annoying for her, especially since it sounds like it happens pretty often.  Are you suggesting that Rochel have no reaction to Mendy’s disruptive behavior, that she should calmly accept his intrusions?

No.  I see what you mean.  It’s not that she should not get so angry, it’s that I want her to do something different to respond when she is angry at him instead of what she’s been doing up until now.

My conversation with his mom was now about how to help Rochel figure out how to respond to her brother’s annoying behavior in a way that mom considers acceptable, rather than accepting annoying behavior with equanimity.  

When you say to Rochel, “I understand that you become angry when Mendy knocks your dolls onto the floor, and I don’t want you to push him.  What could you do instead of pushing him,” what do you think Rochel will say to you?

She’ll probably say “I don’t know what else to do.”  Then what?

Then say to her, “Please think about it, and be’ezras Hashem we’ll talk about it some more tomorrow.”  Slow down.  Give her a chance to think.  And make sure you sit down with her the next day to continue your conversation.

Over the course of our conversation, mom mentioned the fourth of the statements we’re discussing in this series of articles, “You don’t hate your brother.”  

That’s a hard one, and it can be dangerous if mishandled.   G-d willing next week, we’ll see how.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.