We’ve already had this conversation with my son. I have spoken with him about it so many times and he still does the same thing!
Parents say that to me about all sorts of topics: getting started on homework instead of procrastinating, getting into bed on time, getting off the phone when asked to, cleaning up his room, not fighting with his sister; the list of issues being addressed is endless. The way some parents address them doesn’t vary. And it doesn’t accomplish anything.
This mom said she had spoken with her son, had a conversation. I asked her to tell me more about it, to describe the conversation in more detail.
I told him that he can’t leave his homework until the last minute and then rush through it because it ends up sloppy and incomplete and then he doesn’t know the material and then he gets a 74 on a test he could’ve easily gotten a 90 on if he had kept up with the homework and now he’s unhappy that he did so poorly, plus he ends up tired in school because he gets to bed late because he’s trying to get his homework done which, if he had started on it an hour earlier instead of wasting all of that time, he could’ve gotten more sleep and I reminded him that I’ve explained all of this to him before and he managed to get his homework done earlier for maybe three nights and then he slipped back into procrastinating even though he saw that he had gotten to bed earlier and wasn’t tired in school the next day so I asked him why don’t you do it right every evening, since obviously, since you did it for three days, you see that you can do it, why do you stop, you’re a smart boy you should be able to see what you are able to when you really try?
I asked her to describe her son’s part of the conversation, what did he say?
He didn’t say anything. He just tunes me out. I remember thinking to myself how it was like the phone company message, “we’re sorry, your call did not go through. Please hang up and try your call again.” How do I get him to listen?
The answer is: The same way you “get” kids to do most of the things you wish they would do. You model it better.
The template for modeling listening looks like this:
I would like [fill in the blank with your clear, concise expectation. Make sure you are expressing what you DO want, not what you don’t want]. What would help you with this?
For example:
Mom: I would like you to begin your homework earlier. What would help you do this more consistently?
Period. No lecturing, no cajoling, no explaining. Just a clear, concise expectation followed by an open-ended question that moves the child’s thinking towards success.
Contrast that future-success oriented question with, “Why don’t you do it consistently?” It doesn’t matter what the topic is. “Why don’t you” questions lead to defensive argument over past failure rather than strategies for future success.
Once you’ve asked a future-success oriented question, don’t get flustered when the answer is “I don’t know.” He’ll say “I don’t know” because he really doesn’t know – yet. Slow down, and invite him to think about it. Tell him you’d like to hear what he comes up with in the next day or two. Then go on to something or someone else. Don’t confuse important with urgent. Whatever topic you’ve asked him to think about, even though it may be very important, it is rarely urgent.
When you follow this template, your ratio of talking to listening will shift. You’ll do far less talking, and over time, you child will say more. When children talk out what is hard for them and generate their own strategies for success they are more invested in succeeding. Your silence creates the space for your child to gain clarity and understanding.
Rav Wolbe, z’l, in Alei Shur, (Volume 2, page 35) explains it this way:
The expertise of a person in this world is to make himself as though he were mute. The expertise is specifically not to be a chatterer. This is what we must learn: from the time that a child learns how to speak, he chatters about whatever comes into his mind. To be silent requires study, for silence is an important skill and only through his silence do we recognize a person as wise.
Rav Wolbe quotes the Rambam: the fence that protects wisdom is silence, therefore do not hasten to answer and do not speak too much. (Daos, 2:5) Rav Wolbe adds: It is fascinating how “ha’dibur ha’emesi” flows only from silence.
What is ha’dibur ha’emesi? What does that expression mean? Rav Wolbe didn’t write, divrei emes, “words of truth flow only from silence.” I don’t think Rav Wolbe is referring to being truthful. I think ha’dibur ha’emesi means “words that bring truth, words that bring accuracy, clarity, and understanding.” Silence brings clarity and accuracy. The converse may be discerned from the Mishna: kol ha’marbeh d’varim maivi chait, “those who speak too much cause chait.” (Avos 1:17)
The Medrash Koheles Rabbah (7:20) tells us that the word chait does not always mean “sin.” Sometimes it means inaccuracy, failure. With that in mind, we see that the Mishna in Avos is teaching us that saying too much can cause folly and failure. The Rambam and Rav Wolbe teach us the converse: your silence can be a source of your child’s wisdom and success.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.