Migraine headaches are a scourge for many people.  A migraine can cause severe throbbing pain so severe that it interferes with the sufferer’s daily activities.

There is now available a medication that claims to cut the number of monthly migraine days in half for some patients.  The list price of this medication is $575 per month.  Sadly, as of now, there is no known way to eliminate migraines.

High among the list of pain inducing experiences of parenting is sibling conflict. I used the term “conflict” rather than “rivalry” because rivalry implies vying for a parent’s attention, and much sibling conflict is outside of that realm.  I would like for you to move as much of it out of that realm as possible.  It will take significant effort on your part to accomplish this.

It will also take a lot of effort to reduce sibling conflict and it can be done.  There is no list price for this effort, and none of it is covered by insurance.  I’ll explain what you’ll need to do and you can decide if it’s worth the effort.

Rivalry is about competing for the same thing against another person.  In the case of sibling rivalry, competing for a parent’s attention.  The easiest way to reduce sibling rivalry is to arrange it so that no one wins your attention.  If neither sibling wins your attention, the rivalry for it will end.

I don’t understand what you are suggesting, Rabbi Ackerman.  When my daughter is fighting with her brother and punching him, I’m supposed to not pay attention?

No.  Pay attention and make sure no one wins.

How would I do that?

“When all you know is that he said, and then she said, and then somebody did something and then somebody did something else and then there were tears, try this: treat them both equally.  If there’s an injury that merits snuggling and sympathy, gather everyone up.  ‘Oh, that must really hurt where she hit you.  Oh, you must have been so mad to do that.  That is terrible!  What can we do to make things better?’” (How to Be a Happier Parent, K.J. Dell’Antonia, page 94)

But what if someone gets really hurt, chas v’shalom?  I should treat the child who got hurt the same as the child who did the hurting?

I don’t think so.  If a child gets hurt, your best choice is to make him or her the winner of your attention, so that the child who did the hurting loses every time.

The principle behind this choice is this: all behavior is goal oriented.  If the goal of hitting is to win, and you create a situation in which the outcome of hitting is to lose, hitting is not achieving its goal.  When you remove the victim from the setting in which he was victimized and give him your undivided attention, the perpetrator is the loser and the victim is winner.  Behaviors that repeatedly fail to achieve their goal are usually replaced.

Replaced with what?  Isn’t she going to hit him even harder or do something else to get back at him?

Probably, unless you help her.

And how would I help her?  I’m supposed to tell her not to get back at him?  The fact is, he often provokes her even though she’s bigger and stronger than him.  I don’t know what he thinks he’s going to accomplish!

You don’t know?  He has repeatedly gotten your attention and that’s exactly what he was trying to accomplish!

So no, don’t tell her not to get back at him.  Don’t tell her anything.

Instead, ask her what else she could when he provokes her that would be acceptable because hitting him is not acceptable.  When she says, “I don’t know,” tell her you want her to think about and that you’ll check back with her tomorrow.

And trust that if you keep making her the loser when she hits him, sooner or later, she’ll stop hitting him and come up with an alternative that will get your attention. The way she’ll get your attention is by doing better and hearing you notice and acknowledge her success.  Make sure you give her that attention.

Now that we’ve addressed how to reduce sibling rivalry, here are some ways to reduce sibling conflict, based on How to Be a Happier Parent (pages 104-106).

If there’s an activity that you usually limit, offer extra time if siblings do it together.

When all of the children are home and have free time, make sure there isn’t always somebody’s friend over.

The next idea is a tough one in our community, and that is unfortunate (don’t get me started on excessive homework again!) but here goes: establish “kidtime” for thirty minutes prior to the earliest bedtime and require all of the children to be in the same room or rooms.

Create situations for siblings to spend time together away from you.  For example, send them to the grocery store together, drop them off at their grandparents’ home for a visit, ask them to prepare a meal while you make sure to absent yourself from the house.  Give them projects like building and decorating a Succah, cleaning a car for Pesach, or setting the table for Shabbos, to be done as a team.

When a child asks you for help with something, enlist an older sibling to do the helping.

All of this will require an investment of your time and effort to think about and plan these activities.  It will be worth it if you notice and explicitly acknowledge their successes.  The times of conflict will be fewer and less painful to you, and the nachas will increase.

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575