Do you want your children to do better than you?  In one area, I truly hope not.  When it comes to basic rules of civility and courtesy, you need to model a higher standard for your children to aspire to.  Rather than expecting them to do better than you, hope that they will do as well as you.  If your standards are high enough, you will be pleased with your children’s performance as well. If you’re not pleased with your children’s level of courtesy, the first thing to do is check the tone and content of communication between you and your spouse.

One of my sons told me that he clearly remembers what I said to him some years ago.  I told him that you need to begin working on parenting the day you complete sheva brachos. How you speak to and how you listen to your wife is going to have far reaching effects on how your children conduct themselves. 

Here is an example of a pattern of conversation that illustrates what I’m referring to.  It involves Asher, his wife Raizy, and their four year old son Shmuli.

Asher: Raizy, can you hand me my jacket, it’s on the back of the desk chair.

Shmuli: Dad, now can I have the lolly you’ve been holding for me?

Dad: What’s the magic word, Shmuli?

Shmuli: Please can I have the lolly now?

Dad: Very good, Shmuli, yes you may.

It appears that the magic has gone out of Asher and Raizy’s relationship.  The magic that is so important for Shmuli to express to his father is not necessary for Asher to express to his wife.  Why not?  Why is a four year old held to a higher standard than his parents?  How long do you think it will take before Shmuli chooses to follow his father’s example rather than his exhortation?

Should Raizy have asked Asher for the magic word?  Should she have reminded him to say “please” before giving him his jacket?  No, not in front of Shmuli.

Do not correct or criticize your spouse in front of your child.  It is all right to say that you have a different opinion or preference, but it is disrespectful to say your spouse is wrong or should have done something differently.  Here’s how the two versions sound:

Version 1, criticism:

Mom answered the phone just as dessert had been served.  When she returned to the table, Dad remonstrated with her. “Didn’t we agree not to take phone calls during meals?  We all sat here waiting for you and the ice cream got half melted.  What was so important that it couldn’t wait for ten minutes?!”

Version 2, courteous disagreement:

Mom answered the phone just as dessert had been served.  When she returned to the table, Dad gently spoke to her. “I hope everything’s okay.  I know we agreed not to take phone calls during meals so that call must have been so important that it couldn’t wait. Are you okay?”

In version 1, dad criticized mom for breaking a rule.  He implied that mom did something wrong, and he didn’t seek justification or explanation to vindicate her choice.  That’s bad enough in private.  In front of their children, it is inexcusable.  It is demeaning to his wife and models the opposite of dan l’kaf zchus to his children.

In version 2, dad gave his wife the benefit of the doubt.  He showed his children how to comment without criticizing when he saw his wife take a phone call during dinner.  He implied that mom did something unexpected, an objective observation, rather than judging her as wrong, and he vindicated her choice by assuming that there was justification. He respected his wife and modeled the middah of dan l’kaf zchus to his children.

You should be modeling other examples of courtesy and respect towards your spouse in addition to saying please and thank you.  When you address your spouse, first say his or her name, wait for them to acknowledge that they are listening, and only then speak to them.  Slow down and speak with them, not at them.

And then, wait to hear what they have to say in response.  Wait to hear all of what they have to say, not just enough words for you to finish their sentence or cut them short because you already disagree.  Listen silently, patiently, respectfully.  Do not interrupt and don’t answer until you have thought about what they just said.  This is another example of dan l’kaf zchus, exploring the possibility that their point of view is as valid and viable as yours.

Once you have cultivated the habit of courteous and respectful speech with your spouse, practice speaking the same way to your child.  The Iggeres haRamban advises that we speak to others, including children, “b’nachas.”  This can be understood to mean speaking gently, respectfully, and coming from a mindset of dan l’kaf zchus, supportive rather than critical.  Your children will adopt your tone, words, and demeanor, and even your middah of dan l’kaf zchus if that is the path you choose.

Unfortunately, if you choose instead to be cynical, critical, and pessimistic, your children will likely adopt those traits, too, judging others with a jaundiced eye.

Give your child the benefit of the doubt, and when they do fall short, offer support and guidance.  And speak b’nachas.  You’ll receive nachas in return.