The following story is fictitious and realistic.

Many couples come to me to discuss their children.

Grifa and Katima Kohl came to me to talk about their parents.  They said that whenever either set of their children’s grandparents comes for Shabbos, the household gets heated and stirred up. 

I asked the Kohls to give me an example of how their home goes into turmoil when grandparents are there for Shabbos.

For some reason, my parents and my husband’s parents think that they have the right to tell us how to parent our children.  They tell us we’re too interested in our kids’ feelings and don’t like our trying to accommodate the children when we choose to.  They say we should make the rules and enforce them.  Then they turn around and they’re as nice as can be to the kids, after telling us not to be.  Nobody criticizes us out loud, but the kids and we can clearly see the expressions of exasperation and disapproval on our parents’ faces.  It’s quiet turmoil, but turmoil nonetheless.  The tension is palpable.

As I listened to them, I was reminded of the time a dad asked his father why he is so different towards his grandchildren from how he was towards him and his siblings when they were kids.  His father answered, “I like my grandchildren!”

I’m sure that dad liked his children when they were little.  The fact remains that the relationships are very different.  Grandparents and parents need to relate to children differently for the sake of the children.

What do Chazal teach us about these differing relationships?

Rabi Yehoshua ben Levi said: Anyone who teaches his grandson Torah, it is considered as if he [the grandson] received it from Sinai. (Kiddushin 30a)

When a child learns Torah from his father, isn’t it also Torah mi’Sinai?

Yes, but a father is one generation closer to Sinai and a grandfather is two generations closer to Sinai.

Given that a grandfather is closer to Sinai, what halachic implication can we derive?

Perhaps that a grandfather is even more deserving of respect than a father?  No, as we see from the following:

The gemara (Makkos 12a) discusses the case of a man who, R’l, killed his son by accident. Another son cannot become a go’ail hadam (the avenging relative who may kill the murderer) since he is forbidden to hit his father.  However, a grandson of this unwitting perpetrator of filicide is permitted to kill his grandfather.  Rashi explains that a grandson is not obligated to respect his grandfather and therefore may hit and even kill him in this circumstance. The Rema (Yoreh De’ah 240:24) rules that a grandson has an obligation to respect his grandfather but it is less than the obligation a son has to his father.

There is an halachic implication.  I’ll describe it soon.  First, some hashkafic thoughts.

Parenting has changed from the time today’s grandparents were parents.  Here are three examples:

When my wife and I became parents, we bought crib bumpers to keep our babies safe.  Today, experts urge parents not to place crib bumpers into a crib.

Experts say that crib bumpers are a hazard, increasing the risks of suffocation, strangulation, and entrapment. The safest sleep environment is on a firm mattress with nothing but a well-fitting sheet (and no soft bedding).  Even mesh or "breathable" crib bumpers pose a risk of entrapment and strangulation, and older kids can use them to help climb out of a crib, causing a fall. (Crib Bumpers Continue to Cause Infant Deaths: A Need for a New Preventive Approach, Scheers, N.J. et al. The Journal of Pediatrics, Volume 169, 93-97)

A second change in parenting is sleep position for infants.  The American Academy of Pediatrics has recommended since 1992 that infants be placed to sleep on their backs.  (Pediatrics March 2000, 105 (3) 650-656)  We grandparents placed our newborns into the crib prone.

The third shift was quite an experience for my wife and me.  Our oldest was born in 1975.  When it came time to bring our baby son home from the hospital, I walked in with an infant car seat.  The nurse(!) was shocked.  She said, “your wife isn’t going to hold the baby in the car?”  Today, the nurse won’t let you take the baby out of the hospital until you produce an infant car seat!

Each generation of parents is mechanaich their children with the same goals in mind.  And each generation’s path to those goals and obstacles in the way of those goals are different.  My grandparents, A”H, my parents, A”H, my wife and I, and our adult children were or are being mechanaich their children to the same goals but have to navigate very different worlds to achieve them.  That is the hashkafic reason to respect your children’s way of parenting.

Problems arise when grandparents interfere, intrude, or undercut what parents are saying and when parents forget to take the feelings of grandparents into consideration.

What is the halachic issue when grandparents convey criticism of their children’s parenting, even covertly, and their grandchildren pick up on it (and they always do!)?

Lifnei eivair lo seetain michshol.  When a grandparent disrespects a parent, a child might follow suit.  Children assume that their grandparents are even smarter than their parents.  Children often want to be like their grandparents more than they want to be like their parents.  As a result, children are likely to side with their grandparents if there are sides to be taken.  The musar haskail for grandparents is to make sure there are no sides to be taken.  Support your children in their parenting.  When grandparents criticize or attempt to usurp parenting, turmoil results.

Enjoy your grandchildren and trust your children to raise them to be a source of nachas to Hashem, their parents, and you.

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575