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Dear Analyst,
I feel completely overwhelmed by my daughter’s homework.
She’s only in fifth grade and I don’t know how they expect to her to do so much Parsha, Halacha, math, science, English, and social studies homework every night. She sits down to it and doesn’t know where to begin and starts to cry. She says she can’t finish it all so why should she even try? I don’t know what to say to her.
When I ask her to start with Parsha, she wants me to explain why Rashi said what he said, but I don’t always know how to explain it.
And the math is taught differently from the way I learned it. When I try to explain it to her the way I learned it, she tells me she has to do it the way she was taught, even though we arrive at the same answer.
Please help!
Signed: A Frustrated Mom
Dear Frustrated Mom,
You sound as though you’re not sure that the amount of homework assigned to your daughter is realistic to expect of her every night. Before we consider the expectations the school has of your daughter, let’s think about the expectations you have for yourself.
Many parents think that they should know all of the things their child is learning in fifth grade. It might be reassuring and perhaps surprising for you to sit down with your husband and the parents of other children in your daughter’s class and browse through some of her textbooks. Even if we had been taught all the things that children now learn in fifth grade, and I’m not sure we were, few of us remember very much of it.
When you let go of this unrealistic expectation for yourself, you’ll be more relaxed when you learn together with your daughter instead of being embarrassed to admit you don’t know everything she’s learning in school.
Another way to reduce your daughter’s tension and yours when it’s time to do homework is to spend 10 minutes, just one time, completing the following assignment with her:
My Homework Place
Describe your homework place by answering the following questions:
- When I do my homework, where do I sit? How comfortable is it? If it’s not that comfortable, what would make it more comfortable?
- Where do I put my textbook, my notebook, my paper? If it’s too cramped, where could I spread it out better?
- What sounds do I hear while I'm doing my homework (siblings, parents, music, sounds from outdoors, what else)? If the sounds are distracting to me, what can I do?
- What do I see while I’m doing my homework? Who comes into my field of vision? How can I avoid being interrupted?
- What do I smell while I’m doing homework?
- What skills can I use to overcome the distractions when I can’t prevent them or escape them?
- How long do I work until my break? What do I do during my break? How long is my break?
- To whom do I turn when I need help?
Inviting your child to think about the answers to these questions helps her plan to succeed at doing her homework by identifying some of the things that have made it hard for her in the past. By helping her to identify or create a better environment in which to do her homework you make it likely that she’ll find it more pleasant to work on her homework, or at least, less stressful.
How did you answer question 8, to whom do I turn when I need help? Now that you’ve let go of the mistaken idea that you have to know everything a fifth grader is learning, ask your daughter whom else she thinks she could turn to for help. Resist the urge to offer her any suggestions. Give her a day or two to find out who helps her friends with their homework, and to decide who she wishes would help her.
Let’s imagine what might happen next. She might come back to you and say that she doesn’t know who else can help her. Now you get to offer suggestions. Some possibilities include a classmate to work with over the phone, a tutor, or a grandparent.
What happens when your daughter says, “I can’t ask that person to help me.” What do you say to her now? Let’s look at a couple of ways this conversation might play out.
Mom: Why can’t you?
Daughter: Because I just can’t.
Mom: Of course you can, why won’t you?
Daughter: You don’t understand. Never mind, I’ll just do it the best I can.
That did not turn out very well. Let’s try this conversation a different way
Daughter: I can’t ask that person to help me.
Mom: You sound really uncomfortable with the idea. What do you think she’ll say to you when you ask her?
Daughter: She’ll think I’m not smart enough to do my homework without her help.
Mom: And she’ll think there’s something wrong with you, something bad about you needing help with something?
Daughter: Well not exactly bad about me, just that I should be able to do it without help.
Mom: Really? According to whom?
Daughter: I guess according to me. You don’t think so? You think it’s okay that I need help with my homework?
Mom: Yes, I think it’s okay to need help with your homework, and it’s courageous to have the humility to ask for it.
You will be even more gentle and supportive when you remember how hard it was for you to accept your own inability to accomplish what was asked of you: to be the all-knowing, always available homework helper your daughter had wished you could be.
What if you think that the school is giving your daughter too much homework? What is the best way for you to express that concern?
First, tell your daughter that you would like to call her teacher because you think that there is too much homework being assigned. If your daughter asks you not to call her teacher, ask her to help you understand what she is concerned about. You may be able to agree with your daughter on a way to express yourself to her teacher that your daughter is okay with. You can choose to call her teacher even if your daughter is not okay with it, but there is some risk. Your daughter may be reluctant to tell you about a problem next time if she’s afraid you’ll attempt solve it in a way that she fears will have some unpleasant outcome for her.
If you do call her teacher, be prepared to calmly and objectively describe the situation as you see it, rather than sounding critical and judgmental. Write down the specific number of pages to read, questions to answer, math problems to solve, and other components of an actual night’s homework, and how long it took your daughter to do it, and read it to the teacher. Then say that it seems to you that it was too much for your child, and ask the teacher what she thinks about it. If the teacher thinks it is a reasonable amount of homework, do not argue. Instead, ask what strategies and techniques the teacher can suggest that might make the homework more manageable for you and for your child. Then, sit down again with your daughter and reassure her that you and she will do your best to meet the teacher’s expectations.
If her teacher agrees with you and says she will reduce the amount of homework, be sure to call her in a week or two to thank her when you see the change take effect.
Finally, if her teacher offers to make adjustments to the homework expectations for your daughter individually, ask your daughter what she thinks about it. She may find this accommodation embarrassing because she perceives it as a confirmation of her inability to accomplish what some of her classmates can accomplish. See if you can help her accept and value herself, even when her strengths differ. If your daughter finds this very painful, you may want to offer her the opportunity to meet with a therapist.
Remember, you have learned that you cannot always give your daughter everything she needs. What you can do is help her find it from others whom you trust.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.