Sander wasn’t particularly friendly toward anyone at the Kiddush. He was actually kind of stand-offish. Yanky, on the other hand, was quite gregarious, truly stand-on-ish.
The witness was called to take the stand but she didn’t know where to take it.
We all know that the terms “stand-offish” and “take the stand” are idioms not to be taken literally. That’s why there’s no opposite term “stand-on-ish” and the witness stand isn’t going anywhere.
Unfortunately, there is another usage of the term “stand” which is often taken literally even though it is rarely actually the case:
“I can’t stand it!”
Of course you can. You may intensely dislike it. You might find it extremely unpleasant. You might be frustrated and angry. But you can stand it. “It” may be your children fighting, yelling, chasing each other, or making a mess again, but whatever “it” is, you can stand it. It isn’t going to destroy you. It isn’t life threatening. You don’t have to make it stop.
But you can make it stop. You’ve learned that if you shriek loudly enough you startle everybody into stopping whatever they were doing. What do you think about that? What is it like for you when you shriek? What is it like for the child at whom you are shrieking? What does it do to the other children, and adults, who have to hear your shrieking?
Personally, I hate being startled. I find it extremely unpleasant. Your children probably hate it too. And what do you think they think of you when you shriek? I imagine they think that you’re out of control, you’ve lost it. They might be scared of you, scared because they don’t know what you might do next.
Mom: But when I shriek I finally get their attention and they stop what they were doing. Nothing else works.
Me: So you want to continue to shriek when you want to get their attention and get them to stop whatever they were doing. To borrow some terms from taking medicine, you would say that you’re getting the main effect that you want.
Mom: Yes, I guess you could say that.
Me: Okay, that’s the main effect; shrieking works. But what side effects are there to your shrieking?
Mom: That’s an interesting way to think about it. Yes, there are side effects. The first one that comes to mind is the headache I always end up with after shrieking at them. Sometimes, if I’ve shrieked loud enough and long enough, my whole body shakes for a while after I’ve stopped. Then, I can’t get back to what I had been doing. I have to lie down for ten or fifteen minutes, sometimes more. I lie there thinking to myself, “this is not normal; I just shrieked like a wounded animal. What is happening to me? Why can’t I control myself and speak like a human being?”
Me: What do you think are the side effects for the child at whom you shrieked?
Mom: That varies by child. My ten year old has begun shrieking back at me. She looks incensed, wild eyed. My eight year freezes; he looks stunned. My little ones just start to cry.
Me: And the rest of the family who gets to hear all the shrieking, what do you think happens to them? Do you think they don’t hear it just because it isn’t directed at them? Do think they ignore it and go on with their day or evening? I don’t think so. I imagine it is at least distracting and probably disconcerting to some degree for every one of them. The collateral damage could make it hard for them to focus on what they were doing and difficult to fall asleep after being exposed to such verbal violence in their environment. And for the subject of the auditory abuse, how much the more so.
Mom: But it works. It’s the only way to get them to stop when they’re fighting.
Me: What other ways have you tried?
Mom: I don’t know. I just get so frustrated and angry that I can’t stand it anymore and shriek to make them stop. It works.
Me: I know; you get the reward you’re seeking. To me it’s an example of a “yahtza s’charo b’hefsaido” situation. It sounds like a Pyrrhic victory, a victory that inflicts such a devastating toll on the victor that it is tantamount to defeat. You end up lying down with a headache, the child at whom you were shrieking is shrieking back or shrinking in fear, and everybody is trying restore their equilibrium that you shattered. That works?
Mom: Well I agree that it doesn’t work well, but I don’t know how else to make them stop.
Me: And what is going to happen when you don’t make them stop?
Mom: I told you, I make them stop because I can’t stand it.
Me: Yes, that’s what you said. I would like you to “stand it.” What do you think is going to happen to you when you work at tolerating something that you find really unpleasant?
Mom: What do you want me to do? Do you think I can just ignore them?
Me: No, I don’t think it is realistic to expect you to ignore them. I would like you to be aware of what they’re doing yet choose to focus on someone or something else.
Is it possible to focus on someone or something else when your children are fighting, yelling, chasing each other, or making a mess again? To some extent, yes. We all learn to cope with distraction since we can’t always control our environment. You can learn to be distracted and go on with what you’re doing anyway.
Even though you give each of your children your full attention whenever you can, they will still distract you sometimes. You can stand it. Do what you tell your older children to do when you want them to do their homework while the little ones are making noise and the baby is screaming: focus.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.