Insider trading is the trading of a company’s stocks or other securities by individuals with access to confidential or non-public information about the company. Taking advantage of this privileged access is considered a breach of the individual’s fiduciary duty. (https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/insider_trading)
Many parents seek help in meeting their parental duties. That help begins with acquiring insider information. Accessing confidential and non-public information about your child is advantageous and is not a breach of confidentiality when that information is accessed in a certain way.
We gather outsider information from our environment by means of our five senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. These five senses are distinct yet not discrete. The boundaries between them are blurry.
To our brains, "taste" is actually a fusion of a food's taste, smell and touch into a single sensation. This combination of qualities takes place because during chewing or sipping, all sensory information originates from a common location: whatever it is we're snacking on. Further, "flavor" is a more accurate term for what we commonly refer to as taste; therefore, smell not only influences but is an integral part of flavor…
Smells also seem to come from the mouth, even though there are no cells there responsible for detecting scents. Instead the sensation of strawberry, for example, depends upon activation of smell cells located at the end of the nasal passage. The information gathered by these cells is relayed to the mouth via a process called olfactory referral...
Acquiring information related to scent through the back of the mouth is called retronasal olfaction—via the nostrils it is called orthonasal olfaction. Both methods influence flavor; aromas such as vanilla, for example, can cause something perceived as sweet to taste sweeter. Once an odor is experienced along with a flavor, the two become associated; thus, smell influences taste and taste influences smell. (https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/experts-how-does-sight-smell-affect-taste/)
The insider information we gather from within ourselves comprises four components: emotions, thoughts, desires, and choices of action. These four components must be held discrete. When they are blurred unfortunate behaviors may occur.
It was taught in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar: Love nullifies the usual behavior of exalted ones…Hate nullifies the usual behavior of exalted ones. (Sanhedrin 105b)
Rashi says that the gemara is referring to Avraham and Bilaam saddling their donkeys rather than waiting for their servants to do this for them. The Maharsha says the gemara is referring to their rising early in the morning which is uncharacteristic of royalty.
In either case, the implication is that love and hate cause people to behave in ways they would usually consider to be beneath them. Thought is nullified by emotion, passion overrides prudence. Sometimes, prudent thought is preempted by emotion. There is no thought at all, no intention, no contemplation of outcomes, no goal. This is called acting with abandon. It means abandoning seichel.
Out of a person’s love or hate, he will hastily do something detrimental or beneficial because he is unable to wait for his servant, or because he fails to consider the disgracefulness. Love and hate blind us. He feels no shame when doing the work of a servant. (Yifei Toar on Braishis Rabbah 55:8)
What is shameful about doing the work of a servant? Servants do not think. They do what they are told. They have no regrets because if their behaviors are challenged they truthfully reply, I was following orders.
Effective parents hold themselves to a more exalted standard, to be the royalty their young princes and princesses look up to as an example worthy of emulation. They think and evaluate outcomes before choosing a response rather than acting on emotion, reacting thoughtlessly.
To become a more effective parent, take the time to gather insider information, yours and your child’s.
Here, again, are the four components of this type of insider information: emotions, thoughts, desires, and choices of action.
When you see or hear your child do something you react. That reaction is the emotional component of your insider information. It is internal for as long as you keep it inside. Before you express yourself externally, be sure to identify the other three components of your insider information:
Your thoughts: what do you think your child meant by what she did or said? Are you sure there are no other possible interpretations? Are you being dan l’kaf zchus?
Your desire: what are you hoping to accomplish with what you're going to express and the manner in which you are going to express yourself? Is your desire in line with your understanding of the ratzon Hashem?
Your choices of action: what can you do and when would be the best time to do it? One of your choices of action is to invite your child to share her insider information with you. This is the best way to learn what her intentions were. If she expressed herself inappropriately, you can help her to express herself differently.
Working with your child this way takes time.
If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over? (https://www.thewoodeneffect.com/motivational-quotes-john-wooden/)
When you do it right, when you access and act upon insider information, you become an inciter. By breaching gaps that form between you, you incite greater success for yourself and your child and you enjoy the nachas that comes from the privileged access your child has given to you.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, dating, and parenting.
He is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time Available at bookstores and on Amazon.
He can be reached at 718-344-6575.