What do you say to your child about how you want him to behave on Purim.
How much should he be drinking on Purim?
What do you want him to say to someone who offers to drive him on Purim and they’ve been drinking?
What do you do when there’s peer pressure on him to drink after you’ve told him not to?
Here’s a recent conversation between a child and his mother:
“My rebbe told us that it’s a mitzvah to drink on Purim, so now I’m going to.”
“Naftali, I told you I do not want you to drink anything alcoholic on Purim. Just because you’re bar mitzvah doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to drink, ever, until I tell you it’s okay. I am telling you again, I expect you not to drink at all on Purim.”
“I don’t have to listen to you because we learned that if your mother tells you not to do a mitzvah you shouldn’t listen to her, and rebbe said it is a mitzvah for us to drink on Purim.”
This may sound like a very difficult situation for this mom. What is she supposed to do at this point?
It’s a very difficult situation for Naftali, too. Do you really think he doesn’t care about what his mother wants for him, doesn’t care that she is concerned about him and may be disappointed and upset with him if he doesn’t meet her expectation? Do you think Naftali is saying to himself, “Now that I told Mom what the law is and why I don’t have to listen to her she’ll be perfectly fine with my drinking on Purim”?
I think that even if Naftali says he is pleased with his victory and looking forward to drinking on Purim, he is not really at peace with defying his mother. How is Naftali supposed to know what do?
That’s why it’s not only about Purim. It’s about putting Naftali into an even more difficult position than most teenagers find themselves in every day. They are faced with decisions that force them to choose between meeting their parents’ expectations and giving in to the pressure of their peers. How much more difficult must it be for a child to have to choose between complying with his parents and complying with his teacher.
Naftali only has to choose between his rebbe and his parents one day a year; maybe it is only about Purim for him.
For others, the problem is ongoing. It’s not only about Purim for a child growing up in a non-observant home while attending a religious Jewish school. She learns the importance of mitzvos in school, but goes home to see them ignored or ridiculed. Sometimes children find themselves in this quandary when a divorced parent becomes non-observant. In these situations, it is clear to the child that there is a difference of opinion as to the importance of Yiddishkeit. What’s not clear to the child is how to choose a school over a parent, or one parent over the other. It’s a tightrope some children seem to navigate pretty well; others struggle with it painfully for a long time.
How much more painful can it be when a child thinks that his teachers and parents are following the same Torah path, sharing the same values, and working together in his best interests, and then one day he finds himself forced to choose between them.
How difficult it is for a child growing up in a frum home when a parent tells him:
“Don’t tell anyone in your school we have [fill in the blank] in our home.”
Or a menahel tells a teen:
“Don’t tell your parents we look the other way about cigarette smoking in our school.”
Who has the responsibility and the right to set standards for your child? The simple answer would be that the school has a right to set standards that apply within the school, and you have a right to set the standards that apply within your home. That would work very well if your child never discussed anything he was exposed to at home, with anyone in his school. And he would leave any behaviors or attitudes he was exposed to in school in the school building on his way out the door. So much for simple answers.
Children deserve a more realistic answer. In the meantime, they are put into the position of having to deceive some of the most important adults in their life at the behest of other ones.
They’re recruited into practicing deception, and we wonder why they don’t value trust.
It isn’t Nafali’s responsibility to figure out who’s right between his mother and his rebbe. It’s their responsibility to figure out what’s best for Naftali.
What do you do when your child reports something from school with which you disagree? There are three alternatives.
a. Ignore it, and let your child figure it out.
b. Call the menahel, and tell him you disagree with what the rebbe said.
c. Call the rebbe.
The problem with choice “a” is that your child may want your help. It would be a better choice to ask him if he would like to try to figure it out, and offer to help him.
Choice “b” entails going over someone’s head, which is seldom appropriate. Even if you have spoken with the rebbe before and you’re not satisfied with the results of those conversations, it would still be mentchlich to call the rebbe again and ask him to meet with you and the menahel to discuss your concerns.
Choice “c” works well when you call the rebbe with the intention of gaining a better understanding of his point of view, and offering him your point of view. Having built a working relationship with him, you can now proceed to figure out together what is best for your child.
The worst situation for your child is to be put into the position of trying to figure out, on Purim or any other time, how to choose between two adults he respects and trusts. It’s ad d’lo yada -- He can’t possibly know.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.