The imposing marble walls compound your feeling of nervousness as you pace up and down the halls, waiting your turn to plead your case. True, it is only $200 speeding ticket that you have come to contest, but the atmosphere is fraught with tension. A young fellow rushing down the hall lands squarely on your toe, and to his mumbled “excuse me,” you respond vehemently, “why don’t you watch where you’re going?”
“I’m sorry,” the young man retorts. “I didn’t mean it. Do you think I did it on purpose?”
“Well, if you would have been more careful it wouldn’t have happened.”
Moments after that unpleasant exchange, the door opens and you are called in to stand before the judge. Humbly, you begin your plea: “I know I was traveling above the speed limit, but you have to understand…” The words get caught in your throat as you look up and see the judge glaring at you from his seat on the platform; seated next to him is that fellow you just encountered in the hall.
“That’s my son,” the judge explains. “Now, what were you saying?”
“No point in continuing,” you realize. “He is going to judge me as harshly as I judged his son, and rightly so.” (Rabbi Yitzchok Silver; The Code of Jewish Conduct; page 7)
What is the solution? First, what’s the problem? This scenario has been concluded, what else is there to say?
That depends. If our protagonist is content with the outcome and doesn’t mind that this will likely happen again, albeit in a different context and with different people, there is nothing else to say. Case closed, both the speeding ticket and the scenario with how he spoke to the child. And chances are, the next time he speaks harshly to a child, or even to an adult, it won’t cost him two hundred dollars. That may be unfortunate. The tangible losses might eventually have become an incentive to wishing he could behave differently, and learning how.
How do you learn to behave differently when you habitually do something you know isn’t your best?
In clinical terms, two of the ways to approach this are behavioral and psychodynamic. Let’s look at the thinking behind each of these approaches, and how they are done.
A behavioral approach is based on the assumption that we are creatures of habit. When we do the same thing or say the same thing many times, it becomes a habit, a pattern of behavior that is automatic and thus replaces any prior automatic behavior. For a while, it requires stopping before reacting or responding and making a conscious decision to behave in a particular way. Over time, if consistently repeated, the consciously chosen behavior replaces the prior, natural behavior. This is why the new behavior is said to become “second nature.”
Habits seem to be more than behaviors -- they seem to be part of who we are.
And in a way, habits are just that -- part of us. Habits are essentially patterns of behavior that become "worn in" to our brains. Someone who wakes up every morning, turns on the coffee maker, and pours a cup of orange juice, in that order, every morning, has that pattern built in to his or her brain, in the form of well-used synaptic pathways.
Everything we do (and think, for that matter) is governed by impulses firing across synapses, or spaces between certain cells that guide communication in the brain. When any behavior or pattern is repeated enough, the synaptic pathways associated with that pattern get used to being accessed. As a result, it becomes easier for impulses to travel along those pathways, and the behavior seems "natural." In other words, to the brain, wake-coffee-orange juice, in that order, is practically instinctive. One action triggers the next.
Habits are easier to make than they are to break. If you repeat a behavior often enough, those synaptic pathways are going to get worn in. The human brain is a very adaptive piece of machinery.
Breaking a habit is a lot more complicated, because while parts of those worn-in pathways can weaken without use, they never go away. They can be reactivated with the slightest provocation. If you've ever tried to quit smoking, you already know this. You can go a year without a cigarette, and then give in one time and BAM, the habit comes right back.
Making specific plans for achieving goals is a more likely way to successfully make or break habits. (adapted from HowStuffWorks.com. 29 July 2009)
The first key to success when using the behavioral approach is to work on forming a new habit rather than just breaking an old one. Rather than saying to yourself, “I will not do that again,” decide on an alternative behavior and say to yourself, “Next time I will do this.”
The second key to success is to repeat the new, desired behavior again and again. As the Rambam explains:
[The Mishna (Avos 3:15)] teaches that it is not through the magnitude of our actions that we acquire good midos, rather it is from the multitude of our actions.
The Rambam there gives the well known example that one who wants to cultivate the trait of generosity should give one dollar to a thousand aniyim rather than giving a thousand dollars to one ani. It is the repetition of the behavior that forms the habit, not the scale. The Rambam adds, “[one who gives a large amount one time] will have a large uplifting of spirit from this good action, and then it will leave him.” Extraordinary behaviors are impressive, but it takes many repeated ordinary behaviors to make a lasting impression.
Two questions remain: how does the psychodynamic method work when the behavioral alone doesn’t, and how do you help your child form new habits to replace undesirable ones? G-d willing, in our next article, we’ll find out.
Rabbi Ackerman is a licensed psychotherapist. His private practice phone number is 718-344-6575.