In last week’s article, I posed the following question: How do you learn to behave differently when you habitually do something you know isn’t your best?
I explained that two of the ways to approach this are behavioral and psychodynamic. A behavioral approach is based on the assumption that we are creatures of habit. When we do the same thing or say the same thing many times, it becomes a habit, a pattern of behavior that is automatic and thus replaces any prior automatic behavior. You cannot undo an undesirable habit by simply not doing it, hoping that over time it won’t require conscious “not doing.” You have to do something else, repeatedly, until you have replaced the bad habit with a different, better habit. As a parent, this means you remember that saying to your child, “don’t do that” is not helpful; it doesn’t improve behavior, because until you and your child come up with an alternative, he will continue to do what he’s been doing.
Dad: So I can’t tell my daughter not to pinch her little brother when he starts to pull her hair? I don’t want her to pinch him. She hurts him, and I don’t think it hurts her when he pulls her hair; he isn’t that strong.
Me: So you want her to simply be okay with his pulling her hair?
Dad: It’s not only pulling her hair. If he knocks over her dolls’ tea party, or he throws her stuffed bear onto the floor, or he pulls things out of her knapsack, she pinches him. Any time he does something she doesn’t like, she pinches him.
Me: And what have you said to her up until now?
Dad: I’ve told her countless times, “DON”T PINCH YOUR BROTHER!”
Me: And?
Dad: And what?
Me: And how has that worked out?
Dad: It didn’t work out at all. She still pinches him. I’ve taken away privileges, I’ve sent her to her room, I’ve made her apologize and promise not to do it again, but she does it again anyway.
Me: So you want her to simply be okay with whatever he does? Are you sure that’s a realistic expectation?
Dad: Rabbi Ackerman, I don’t understand you. You think it’s all right for her to pinch her brother whenever he does something she doesn’t like? I should just leave her alone?
Me: No, I don’t think it’s all right for her to pinch him no matter what he did. I also don’t think it is realistic to expect her to simply tolerate whatever he does. But when you just say, “don’t pinch him,” you imply that she should just tolerate it, not react when he does something that she finds upsetting. What would you think of my telling you not to react when she pinches him, to just tolerate it?
Dad: I don’t see the comparison. I have to teach her what behavior is unacceptable in our home.
Me: So pulling hair and breaking up doll tea parties is acceptable behavior in your home?
Dad: No but it doesn’t justify pinching him when he does those things.
Me: Okay, so you agree that his pulling her hair is not acceptable behavior. And you don’t want her to pinch him when he pulls her hair. How would you like her to express to her brother that pulling her hair is not acceptable?
Dad: I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. I just don’t want her to pinch him, no matter what he does. Let me be the one to express to him that pulling her hair is not acceptable.
Me: And what have you said to him up until now?
Dad: I’ve told him countless times, “DON”T PULL HER HAIR!”
Me: And?
Dad: And what?
Me: And how has that worked out?
Dad: It didn’t work out at all. I see what you mean. It’s the same as telling her not to pinch him. Both of them go right back to doing what I tell them not to do.
That is what I wanted him to realize. The behavioral approach he has been using doesn’t work because it attempts to simply stop an undesirable behavior. You have to replace an undesirable behavior with a better one, and if you don’t know what better one there is, you’re going to go back to what you had been doing.
According to the behavioral approach, repeated behavior results in forming a new habit, a different automatic response which replaces an undesirable response.
Except when it doesn’t.
The sefer Shulchan Aruch haMiddos (page 53) points out that soldiers maintain rigid patterns of behavior over a period of years, yet as soon as they are discharged, those behaviors disappear and most soldiers revert to very different patterns of behavior. Why is that? Why didn’t the years of soldiering inculcate habits that last?
The Shulchan Aruch haMiddos explains:
New patterns of behavior become automatic habits only when the heart so desires. Without ratzon, desire, you find the opposite effect: the more that behaviors are imposed upon the person, the more he resists internalizing them and as soon as he is able, he behaves the way he desires to.
The psychodynamic approach addresses this. As a parent, you can ask your child to help you understand what she is trying to accomplish, what feelings and thoughts she is experiencing when she responds to something her brother did. Rather than just prescribing an alternative behavior you are helping your child to think about things differently so that her ratzon will change and she’ll behave differently in that situation.
This is all predicated on your ratzon, your desire to help your child work through something that has been hard for her rather than simply replacing a behavior that has been hard for you. When you just get your child to stop failing you get relief, but when you help your child succeed at something you get nachas.
Rabbi Ackerman is a licensed psychotherapist. His private practice phone number is 718-344-6575.