During the late Arthur Goldberg’s tenure as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, his wife once answered the phone and called out to him, “pick up the phone, it’s the President!”  Ambassador Goldberg asked, “from which shul?”  

That may not be a true story, but it illustrates a truism.  Most of us wouldn’t expect a call from the President of the United States, we don’t think we’re worthy of his attention.  There is no problem with that; most of us are not worthy of the President’s attention.  Yet you are worthy of Hashem’s attention and you are worthy of the attention of those you love.  You matter.

Yet you don’t always get the attention you deserve and wish for.  You don’t always get your husband’s or your wife’s attention.  You sometimes don’t get your boss’s and your colleague’s attention, and you very often don’t get your child’s attention.   Let’s leave that last one for later and talk about the others first.

When you don’t get the attention of your spouse or work associate, how upset do you get?  Most of the time, you realize that their energy is focused elsewhere and that they will pay attention to you when they become available.  It isn’t that you don’t matter to them.  They just don’t have energy for you right now.  And you don’t get upset at all.  

But what about whatever it is that you want from them?  Don’t you want to tell them something, ask them something, show them something?  Doesn’t that matter?  Why aren’t you upset that they aren’t interested in whatever you’re trying to convey?  You’re not upset because you know, or at least you hope, that they aren’t ignoring you; they’re just postponing you, and you have no trouble accepting that.

But with your child, when you try to postpone him because your energies are directed elsewhere, he does get upset.  He can’t accept having to wait.  When he wants your attention, he wants it now; only he matters and he expects you to drop everything and everyone else immediately.  Understandably, you don’t like his attitude and the ensuing attention getting behaviors, and the situation devolves.  Right about here is where parents say to me, “you see, he won again.  He got my attention.  Yes it was negative attention, but that’s good enough for him.  What am I supposed to do then?”

I tell the parents that the best thing for them to do right then is nothing and the best thing to say is nothing.  Then my conversation with the parents often goes like this:

Mom:  I should say nothing?  He was just chutzpadik to me and I should say nothing?

This is a fork in the conversational road.  I can either continue to encourage the mom to say nothing and help her to understand that, or I can take the detour and get into a discussion of “chutzpadik” speaking, its defintion, cause, and cure.  I usually chose to stay on track with the “don’t say anything then” topic, since I know that the topic of chutzpadik speech can be revisited at some other time.

Me:  Yes, you should say nothing.  You don’t like it when he “wins” by getting your attention, albeit negative attention.  The alternative for you is to not give him any attention.  When you silently walk away, he will see and eventually (if you are consistent) learn that his speaking to you in a manner that you consider chutzpadik does not get him any attention from you.  Since you correctly assume that he wants your attention, he will try to get your attention next time by speaking in an appropriate, respectful manner.  And yes, remaining silent will probably be difficult for you.  Pele Yoetz addresses this in a chapter called Savlanus, Tolerance.

“Even when your heart is burning like fire and the words are resounding inside of you and trying to burst out, strengthen yourself like a lion to overcome your inclination and stifle your words.”

All of that became necessary because you weren’t available for your son when he wanted your attention.  It could, however, be prevented.

Mom:  Really?  But I don’t want to give him my attention when I’m in the middle of something else. Do you really expect me to drop everything for him on demand?

Me:  No, I don’t expect you to drop everything for him.  I don’t think you need to drop anything for him if you don’t want to.  But what did you say to him when you wanted to finish what you were doing and pay attention to him later; how did you tell him you were postponing him?

Mom: It varies.  I might say,

Not now, I’m in the middle of something, or

Can’t you see that I’m doing something! or

Don’t talk to me when I’m on the phone.

Me: When you say any of those things, you are making it clear to him that you don’t have energy for him right then, that your energy is directed elsewhere.  I would like you to address matter as well as energy.  If you were to say to him, “Not now, I’m in the middle of something, I will come over to you as soon as I’m finished here,” you’d be making it clear that you don’t have energy for him now and that he matters.  If you were to say, “Can’t you see that I’m doing something? Please wait until I’m finished!” you could still express your frustration, and at the same time inform him that you intend to be available to him later.  And when you say, “Don’t talk to me when I’m on the phone.  I’ll let you know when I’m off,” he will know that he’s not getting your attention now but he’ll get it later.

Let your children know that sometimes you are not available to them, your energy is directed elsewhere.  And remind them, every time, that they do matter, too.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.