Mechanics work on cars made on an assembly line.  Those cars are made to specification and each one must meet those specifications precisely.

This has been the case since December 1, 1913, the day mass production began at the Ford Motor Company.  It is still how cars are made today, but the way mechanics work on those cars has changed dramatically over recent decades.

In 1969 I got my first car, a 1965 Buick.  It had amenities you don’t see on cars today.  It had a carburetor, an AM monaural radio, and windows you could crank open on a hot day without having to turn on the engine!

When my car didn’t sound right, I would bring it to a mechanic.  He would spend some time listening to my car to determine what needed to be adjusted, tightened, or rarely, replaced.

When your vehicle doesn’t sound right today, you still bring it to a mechanic, but he doesn’t listen to it at all.  He plugs your car into a computer and it tells him what to replace.  Nothing gets adjusted or fine tuned anymore.  Just get rid of the problem and replace it with something that works.  The term “tune-up” is obsolete.

I have had parents tell me about phone calls they have received from their children’s schools.  Sometimes a morah or rebbe called, sometimes a hanhala member.  Sometimes the caller is reporting a child’s success; it’s a nachas call.  Unfortunately, more often it is a call to report a problem.

How do you respond when you receive a call reporting a problem?

That depends on the nature of the report.

When someone calls from your child’s school and says something like

Sima seems to be having trouble staying on topic.  She is courteous and always waits to be called on, but when she is called on, she says things that don’t really fit what we had been discussing in class.  I’ve asked her about it, and she says she thought it was a good question.  What else could we do to help her?

You can hear that this caller is a mechanech.  She is trying to help your child by listening to your child and now by listening to you.

I would suggest that you ask the caller to give you a specific example of the classroom topic and your child’s off-topic question.  Then, sit down with your child, tell her that you received this phone call and share the information you were given.  Tell her that you don’t understand how her question is related to the class’ topic.  Ask her to explain the connection, being dan l’kaf zchus that she does see a connection, rather than confronting her with your certainty that there is none.

On the other hand, how do you respond when you receive a call reporting a problem and it sounds like this:

Sima again disrupted the class today.  She raised her hand, and when I called on her, she asked a question that was completely irrelevant to the class discussion.  Some of the girls giggled.  Everyone was thrown off track, and I had to repeat what I had been explaining because everyone became confused.  You must tell her that she has to pay attention and only raise her hand when she has something pertinent to say.  Please make it clear to her that she cannot continue to disrupt the class.

If I were the recipient of that call, the following conversation would ensue:

Me: Thank you for calling to describe this situation to me.

When you met with Sima and asked her how she saw her question as pertinent what did she say to you?

Caller: Her question was not pertinent so why would I ask her?  I told her that her question was out of place and that she should pay closer attention to the class discussion.

Me:  What was Sima doing during the class discussion?  Where was she looking?

Caller:  She was looking at me and at whomever of her classmates was speaking.

Me:  It sounds like she wasn’t daydreaming or spacing out.  From what you just described, it sounds like she was paying attention.  What do you suggest she do to pay closer attention?

Caller:  I really don’t know.  Sima is in a class of 23 girls and no one else asks questions that come out of nowhere.  She needs to keep her hand down unless she has something relevant to say, and I would like you to make that clear to her.

This caller sounds like a mechanic.  She hears a sound in her classroom that she doesn’t like.  Rather than listening, she diagnoses it as a component that is failing to pay attention adequately and wants it replaced by one that meets the assembly line specifications for students in her class.  The problem with this paradigm is that Sima is not a malfunctioning component; she’s a child.

In 2005 I created the Kesher School Program.  One of my colleagues or I met privately, weekly or biweekly, with individual rebbeim, moros, and hanhala members to listen to their concerns and frustrations, and to help them form connections with their students.  It was not about pedagogy; it was about relationships and the challenges to forming them when you are struggling yourself.  Each school’s principal signed a release which guaranteed the confidentiality of these conversations.  Based on the feedback we received and the growing number of schools joining the program, I would say we were B”H matzliach.   This service was provided at no cost to the schools.

During the recession of 2008 we lost our funding and the program closed down.

So many of the Chinuch professionals in our schools are sensitive, patient, and truly caring towards our children, in addition to be being true pedagogic professionals.

As parents, be sure to acknowledge all that they give to your children. Teach your children to express appreciation to them with respect, courtesy, and a smile.

When necessary, help teachers to incorporate your child’s individuality into the classroom rather than trying to force your child into meeting narrow specifications. 

Both the class and your child will benefit.

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575