Do not hate your fellow in your heart. Reprove your friend but have no guilt because of him.  (Vayikra 19:17)

Why does the Torah use the term, amisecha, your friend?

According to the Ben Ish Chai, it is because when you correct your friend, you risk losing him as a friend.  You might think that you should refrain from rebuking him so as not to damage the love and replace it with hate.  We have been taught that that love is very important.  Therefore, the gemara here teaches us that despite this, one is required to rebuke him whatever the outcome [yiyeh ma sh’yiyeh].  This is why it is written [in the pasuk] “you shall surely rebuke your friend,” even though he is your friend. (Ben Yehoyada, Arachin 16b, d.h. mi-nayin l’ro-eh)

Not everyone translates the term amisecha as “your friend.”

The Living Torah by Rav Aryeh Kaplan translates the word as “neighbor.”

The Chabad Chumash from Chabad House Publications translates the word as “fellow.”

Rav Kaplan adds the following: If one does not admonish, then he is responsible for the other’s sin. (Sefer Hamitzvos, Aseh, 205; cf. Shabbos 54b¹). Or, “do not sin through him” by embarrassing him publicly (Arachin 16b; Sefer Hamitzvos, Laav, 305).  This is also a general commandment not to embarrass a person publicly (Ibid.).

The Chabad Chumash comments:

Rebuke is a delicate matter; if done improperly, it can cause more harm than good.  Thus, the instruction to admonish one’s friend follows the instruction not to hate your brother, for rebuke should be only motivated by love, remaining free of barbs and caustic remarks.  Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak of Lubavitch compared rebuke to administering an injection: the needle must be free of any germs, and the doctor and his attendants must wear white clothes and sterilize their hands.  Similarly, someone giving rebuke must have pure motives (his “clothes,” i.e., means of expression – thought, word, and deed – must be “white”) and be sure that his “injection” will not cause harm. (Page 739, note 17)

It is hard to do that.  It always has been.

Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria said: I would be surprised if there is anyone in this generation who knows how to rebuke. (Arachin 16b)

Who knows how to rebuke: without causing embarrassment [literally: without causing the person’s face to change color]. (Rashi)

When I was a teenager, I occasionally davened in a shul where the regular shliach tzibur, in the chazaras ha’shatz, always said mishaan u’mitvach la’tzadikim.    Correcting a senior gentleman is a delicate task.  Perhaps that is why no one ever told him that it is not Wednesday, it is mivtach.

Many years later, I heard a shliach tzibur say ha’machaveer Sch-hinaso l’tzion.

Someone said to him, “I’ve never heard that nusach.  Where did you see it?”  The shliach tzibur said he had said ha’machazeer, not ha’machaveer.  The next day, that shliach tzibur told the person who had questioned him that he had listened to himself and discovered that he had been saying it wrong and appreciated the correction.  Offering a correction is hard; it can and should be done.

Be sure to offer a correction, an alternative.

[When Hashem first sent Moshe to speak to the Yidden in Mitzrayim] Even though the Jews had sunk to a precariously low spiritual state, even serving idols, Hashem did not tell Moshe to rebuke them...Only much later, when he had an alternative for them, a commandment to fulfill, did Moshe tell the Jews to stop serving idols.

(Chabad Chumash, page 334)

At the beginning of the sedrah [Yisro], Rashi explains that the name Yeser alludes to the fact that there is an “extra” parsha: v’attah techezeh (Shemos 18:21) in the Torah that conveys the advice that Yisro gave Moshe concerning the development of a judicial system. 

Rav Moshe Sternbuch, Shlita, asks why Rashi identifies v’attah techezeh as the “extra” parsha when Yisro’s advice actually begins with lo tov hadavar, four pesukim earlier (Shemos 18:17)?

Rav Sternbuch answers that in the parsha lo tov hadavar Yisro criticizes Moshe. In the parsha attah techezeh, he proposes an alternative.  By citing Shemos 18:21 as the first verse added in Yisro’s honor, Chazal teach us that when you see a problem, don’t complain; find a solution.  (Ta’am v’Daas, Shemos 18:17, page 120)

If you only criticize your child without telling her what alternative you want from her how do you expect your child to know what you want?  Until you figure out what you want from your child, all you have is a complaint.  Your child needs to meet expectations, not avoid complaints.

Mom: All I want is for her to stop leaving her jacket and backpack on the floor in the entrance way when she comes home from school.  I’ve told her more times than I can count and she keeps doing it!  How do I get her to stop??

Me: First of all, I’m wondering something.  Do you speak to her as rapidly as you just said that to me?

Mom: I guess I probably do.  When Breindy comes home, I’m usually in the middle of preparing supper, keeping my toddler occupied, and running to see why the baby is crying.  If I don’t keep up my pace, something isn’t going to get done.

Me: I see.  How long do you think it would take to tell Breindy what you do want her to do with her stuff once you take the time, some other time, to figure that out?  How long is it taking you now to talk with her every time she leaves her stuff in the entrance area?

Mom: I see your point.  So what do I want her to do with her stuff?  I want her to put her jacket onto a hanger in the front closet and I want her to put her backpack on the chair in her room.

Me: Excellent.  When you ask her to do exactly that, I hope that she will.  She will more likely continue to when you take a few seconds to acknowledge her success.  She will feel good about being noticed for succeeding, and you’ll feel good for succeeding as a parent.  That’s the formula for nachas!

¹Mishna: Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya’s cow would go out on Shabbos with a strap between its horns, contrary to the will of the Sages.

Tosefta: The cow was not his, it was his neighbor’s. Because he did not protest, the cow was called by his name.

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575