Everyone of us has a role in building self-esteem, in ourselves and in others.  Parents can do this continuously and, I hope, consciously.  Every one of us plays this role in the lives of many people whether we mean to or not.

What is this nebulous yet essential quality we call self-esteem?

In academia, self-esteem is defined as a global self-evaluation on a positive to negative continuum.

Simply stated, self-esteem is the belief that you’re worth something, your existence in this world matters. 

It is always true that your existence in this world matters to Hashem.  In addition, your existence in this world matters to many people in your life.  Nonetheless, self-esteem is solely predicated on your belief that your existence in this world matters, that you see value in your life.

Self-esteem is not engendered by where you were born, to whom, or into what circumstances, e.g. royalty, wealth, celebrity.  Zchus Avos does not contribute to self-esteem.

What does build self-esteem?  How does a person gain a sense of value?

As always, the answer can be found in Chazal.

She’kol ha’adam nifaal k’fi p’ulosov. (Sefer haChinuch 16)

Every person is the result of what he does, his accomplishments.

That sounds very nice, but I never accomplish anything.

Perhaps you need to rethink your understanding of the term accomplishment.

In the hadran after completing a unit of learning, we say:

Onu ameilim v’heim ameilim, onu ameilim u’mekablim s’char, v’heim ameilim v'einom mekablim s’char.  We Yidden work and receive reward.  Others work and do not receive reward.

Is that true?  Yes, when understood properly.

We are taught to appreciate the investment of effort as an accomplishment, in and of itself.  Others often don’t see it that way.

The s’char for our effort comes from Hashem.  It also comes from ourselves when we are machshiv our effort, our progress toward a goal we may never reach.

When we understand the idea of accomplishment as effort or completion, we build our self-esteem far more effectively.  When we fail to be machshiv our accomplishments, we fail to build self-esteem.

How do children know what to be machshiv?  They don’t until you tell them.  If you only react to failure, children only know that they fail. You build your child’s self-esteem when you are careful to be machshiv, to value, their successes.

So I can build my child’s self-esteem?

Yes, and it is important that you do. 

Noticing and acknowledging your child’s accomplishments of effort or completion are examples of what I call proactive parenting.

However effective you are at helping your child when he needs correction, reacting to failure is not enough.

It is your proactive parenting that builds your child’s self-esteem, your relationship with your child, and your child’s relationship skills. 

Here are some more examples of proactive parenting:

Invite your child to talk about her joys, fears, dreams and disappointments.  Ask what she wishes she could do to get more of what she wants and how to change or cope with the things she doesn’t want, and who she wishes could help her.  Then listen.  A lot.

Include her in decisions that affect her.  Listen to her point of view and preferences.  You have the final say.  Give her some say.

Inform your child when she embarks on an unrealistic mission.  Here’s a moshol.  Your child has decided to get up early enough to watch the sun rise in the West.  Tell her that no matter how early she rises, she will not get to see a sunrise while facing West.  Help her choose a realistic alternative. 

Note: I am referring to a child who has taken action towards an unachievable goal.  Until she takes action, allow your child to dream, however unrealistic her dreams may be.  As she grows older, she will let go of many of her dreams.  Daya l’tzara b’shayta.  Let her suffer those losses when the time comes.

Encourage her when she has embarked on a mission that has become more difficult than she anticipated; help her stay the course. Talk with her about dividing the task into smaller segments, taking breaks, and seeking help from a sibling or friend.

Teach him life skills, gashmi and ruchni.  Teach him how to cook, do laundry, manage home finances. Teach him how to learn, how to respect and interact with others, how to conduct himself as a ben Torah.

Show him the kind of person you hope and daven for him to become.  Everything you say or do teaches him how to be.  Be an example of the kind of person you want your child to become.  Then allow him to become his version of that person.  Daven for him to be a disciple, not a clone. 

Express your love to him.  With your words.  With a hug, a pat on the back, a smile.  And with one of the most powerful self-esteem builders in the life of your child: your time, the time together with him when you give him your full attention.  He knows you’re a busy person, that you value your time.  Make sure he knows he’s worth your time.

And finally, when he is grown,

Free him to solve one of his life mysteries with your support, not your mandate.

The Rabbis taught: Seven things are hidden from each of us.  [One of them is] ba’meh mistakair, what is my path to success.  (Pesachim 54b)

Let each of your children find his or her way within the Darchai Noam in which you have raised them.

Then make sure you tell them how much nachas they give you.  I would include the building of your child’s self-esteem in the devarim sh’ain lahem shiur.

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575