How do you help your children when they’re struggling with sibling rivalry?

Recently, I’ve spoken to three different women’s groups who wanted help with sibling rivalry.   Each group began with the same question: Why can’t my children get along?

I explained that sibling rivalry is common and probably unpreventable. I wanted to reassure them that they were not to blame for the bickering, yelling, fighting, and other manifestations of sibling rivalry they were seeing in their homes. Apparently that message was well received. There were no more questions about “why is this happening” and “how can I prevent it.” The new question was, “How do I deal with it when it happens?”

My four-year old teases his older brother and sister when they are trying to do their homework, or sitting and reading a book. They are really very good about it. They never hit him or push him. They tell him to go away. Sometimes their voices get a little bit loud, but that’s just because he doesn’t listen to them. Sometimes they come over to me and ask me to make him stop. I don’t know how to make him stop! I mean I can take him out of their room, and explain to him that he has to leave them alone because they’re reading or doing their homework, and I can put him in time out and he’ll stay there for three or four minutes, but it won’t be long until he’s right back there again teasing and distracting them.   How am I supposed to deal with him?

What would you rather your four-year-old do while his brother and sister are busy reading and doing homework?

I don’t know.

I suspect he doesn’t know either. I’m not sure he is teasing and distracting them because he wants to be a malicious.

No, he’s not a malicious child at all; he’s very sweet most of the time.

Could it be that he doesn’t have any homework, and he doesn’t know how to read, and he is bored, and teasing his siblings is not about distracting them from what they’re doing, it’s about relieving his boredom? I don’t know about you, but I am one of the many people for whom boredom is extremely unpleasant. Maybe it’s really hard for your four-year-old also. It’s also possible that your four-year-old is experiencing sibling rivalry over the fact that his older sister can read and his older brother has homework to do, and he does not. I’m sure it won’t take long, and he won’t be jealous of somebody else’s homework once he has plenty of his own, but in the meantime it’s something his big siblings get to do and he is left out. Helping him find something to do so that he feels useful will be more effective than telling him to leave his older brother and sister alone.

Next question:

How do you teach children Shalom strategies when things are calm?

I would suggest you begin by acknowledging and celebrating your child’s being calm. Say his name, make eye contact with him, and say to him, “you are (reading, writing, playing, getting along, etc.) so nicely; you’re such a good boy!“

Then, before you teach him anything, find out what he’s already learned.

What do you mean? What makes you think he’s learned anything? Ten minutes earlier he and his sister were screaming at each other, and sooner or later they will be again, so what did he learn?

Apparently, he learned how to temporarily disengage from a screaming session with his sister. I would like you to help him figure out what Sholom strategy he used so that he can use it again; use it again to disengage from the next screaming session a little more quickly, and to stay disengaged longer. I hope that someday he and his sister will no longer have screaming sessions. Many siblings eventually outgrow that kind of thing and become friends. Try to trust that and be patient.

Follow-up question:

Maybe it’s okay to be patient when they’re screaming at each other, but what about when they’re hitting, I should just stand there patiently and hope they’ll stop soon?

No, you have to intervene verbally or physically, if necessary, to stop the fight.

Q: What about this situation, Rabbi Ackerman. This morning, my four year old hit my seven-year-old. My seven-year-old came over to me and said, “Mommy, he hit me, I want you to hit him.” Isn’t he right? He didn’t hit his brother back; he came to me like I’ve told him to. What do you think I should do, isn’t it appropriate that I hit the four-year-old to punish him for hitting his brother?

A: First of all, what did you do?

I didn’t get a chance to do anything, because the school bus came right then, but as soon as they get home from school I’m sure my older son is going to ask me again, he is going to want to me to hit his brother for hitting him. Doesn’t that make sense?

It makes sense if you are a Sadducee. They thought that “an eye for an eye” was to be taken literally. Chazal taught us that that’s not true, that actually the Torah is alluding to tashlumen, compensation for harm done. The Torah Temima suggests that physically harming a perpetrator accomplishes nothing for the victim, whereas compensation exacts a penalty from the culprit and provides benefit to the one whom he harmed.

At this point, we ran out of time at the group, and we’ve run out of space for this article. G-d willing, we’ll continue with this topic next time.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men’s and women’s parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.