How can I get my children to do things without having to ask them so many times? How can I get them to do things more quickly? Even when they do what I ask, it seems to take them much longer than necessary. Can you give me some methods that are easy to remember and work quickly?

Just the other day, a mom asked me, “What do you think of making natural consequences happen faster?” Aside from the fact that that sounds a bit unnatural, I was puzzled by how that could possibly happen, so I asked her to give me an example of what she had in mind. She did.

Mom: Let’s say my son leaves his jacket on the floor when he comes home from school even though I’ve asked many times to hang it up. What if I were to do something to make his jacket dirty so he would see that it’s not a good idea to leave it on the floor?

Me: Isn’t that deceitful?

Me: Maybe, but wouldn’t it get him to hang up his jacket sooner?

Me: Yes, it might get him to hang up his jacket sooner. It also might teach him that deceit is okay if it gets you what you want. I don’t think it’s worth the risk.

The key for this mom seems to be getting her son to comply sooner rather than later. What’s the rush?

Koheles 7:9 teaches us אַל תְּבַהֵל בְּרוּחֲךָ לִכְעוֹסal t’vahale b’ruchaha l’chos. Don’t let behala lead you anger. What is this “behala” that leads us to anger? Is it confusion? Frustration? No. Rashi tells us that the “behala” that leads to anger is haste.

Mary Pipher, in her book Letters to a Young Therapist, (page 43) wrote, “We slow people down to the speed of wisdom.” How often do you tell your child to think before he acts, to consider the alternatives before making a decision, and to “stop running around.” You want your child to slow down physically and to think more deliberately. And you’re in a rush to teach him to do it?

I hope you’re not hoping to finish reading this article in a New York minute. Because speed counts. How slowly you read, think, and parent makes a huge difference for your child. You’ve probably heard the expression “speed kills.” It’s not just about amphetamines or driving too fast. It’s about the avoiding the curse of the tochachah.

Af ani eh’eseh zos lachem, v’hifkadti aleichem behala. l will curse you with behala. So begin the curses in Vayikra 26:16, as understood by Yaakov Yisrael Cohen in Yalkut Lekach Tov, Vayikra page 291.

He goes on to explain that the recent advances in technology that enable us to get to places and do things more quickly are not the result of our intellectual prowess and a mark of success. They are the manifestations of this curse of haste and impatience. They condition us to expect rapid results with less effort, and leave us intensely frustrated when anyone or anything slows us down. So we push ourselves and our children to speed up. We exceed the speed of wisdom, and soon arrive at anger.

Saichel adam erech apayim, our wisdom is manifested through our patience. (Mishlei 19:11). Another way to understand this expression is “wisdom leads to patience.” The Shem mi’Shmuel on parshas B’reihis writes that we were created with a mind to control our emotions, and emotions that control our behaviors. You know the expression, “he had an emotional reaction.” That happens when we react without thinking first about the potential harm, in the short or long term, that our ill considered, hasty actions may cause. The alternative to an emotional reaction is called a measured response. It is measured by the mind to weigh the benefits, and the risks, of our behaviors before we act. Reactions come quickly, measured responses take longer.

Orach Chaim 47:5 Mishna Brurah 10: The prayers of a father and mother should always be in their mouths, praying for their children that they should be Torah scholars, be righteous people and behave properly with other people. And one should concentrate greatly while saying when saying... "L'ma'an lo niga larik v'lo neled labehala,” in order that we should not toil in vain and give birth for futility.[towards the end of kedusha d’sidra].

Perhaps that can be taken to mean, “don’t rush with your children, don’t fill their their lives with behala.”

Our children need to know that they’re worth our time. So slow down, teach them, and enjoy them. Have nachas.

 

Rabbi Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Parenting groups for men and for women are now available.