Some parents think that devices are the bane of their existence and the source of most of the pain of parenting, tzar gidul banim.
Then how do you understand this excerpt from Tefilah Zaka:
Hinei k’var la’kinu b’shibud malchius, v’yisurin sh’baguf, oh anius, v’tzar gidul banim, u’shaar machovim. Behold, You have already stricken us with foreign rule, with physical afflictions, or poverty, and the pain of raising children, and other sufferings. [R’ Avraham Danzig, author of Chayei Adam, 1748—1820, paragraph beginning Atah samnu b’libeinu lashuv, Now we have placed into our hearts to do teshuva…]
I don’t know what devices were available to children in 18th century Prague and Vilna, yet it seems clear that parenting was extremely difficult then, too.
How far back do these difficulties go?
Rabbi Yehuda says: one who carries out a live tamei locust [on Shabbos] is liable for carrying out any amount, because people store locusts for a child who wants to play with it. (Shabbos 90b)
Talmudic epoch mom to child: You’ve been playing with that locust for almost two weeks now, every spare moment! I’m afraid if it gets to be a fortnight, you’ll become addicted, chas v’shalom!
Tzar gidul banim did not begin with devices.
The term is not tirdas gidul banim, or the nisayon of gidul banim; the term is tzar gidul banim, the pain of gidul banim, equated in Tefilah Zaka with yisurin sh’baguf u’shaar machovim.
The term tzar gidul banim is first found in Eruvin 100b, and is quoted by Rashi on Braishis 3:16. There, Hashem tells Chava that because of her aveira with the aitz ha’daas tov v’rah she will b’etzev taldi banim. The gemara quoted by Rashi explains this to be a reference to tzar gidul banim. The sefer Tosefes Bracha says that tzar gidul banim is amal v’torach rav, a great deal of effort and strain. The Chizkuni writes, sh’tichyeh b’eitzavon u’vtorach kol yameich, the difficulties of parenting last a lifetime.
Do you wonder, given all that strain and pain, why have children? The Chizkuni explains that you may not have a choice. See there for more detail.
I would suggest another answer.
In the last Mishna in Avos perek 5, ben Hai Hai teaches, l’fum tzara agrah, literally, “according to the pain is the reward.” Avos d’Rabi Nasan writes, tov lo l’adam davar echad b’tzar mi’mayah b’revach, better one thing with pain than a thousand done easily. Rav Dessler elaborates on this in Michtav Mai’Eliyahu (III, 14):
Gam al tzar katan ne’emar she’schar ha’mitzvah hu pi mei-ah mi’schar mitzvah zoh k’she-haya naasais b’li tzar klal. V’chol tosefes tzar machpila es ha’schar ode pi mei’ah. U’lifi chesbon zeh, erech ha-mitzvah k’she-mitzta-air b’kiyuma yachol liyos gadol alfei alafim v’rebei r’vavos paamim mei’erech osah mitzvah ha’naasais bli tzar.
To paraphrase: Any mitzvah done with pain is rewarded with a level corresponding to the level of the pain, possibly thousands of times more than if that same mitzvah had been done with no pain.
The potential for reward, given the ongoing and sometimes intense pain of tzar gidul banim is immense and maybe that is why we want to have children even though we know it’s going to be hard.
What is this immense reward in store for us for tolerating the pain of raising children? In a word: nachas.
It is difficult to put into words the feelings that most parents experience when they see their child do something well.
Watching a child graduate, from pre-school, from elementary school, from high school and beyond.
Watching a child perform an act of kindness, an expression of compassion, a helping hand.
Listening to a child saying thank you sincerely, saying a dvar Torah with feeling, kissing a sibling.
Standing under the chuppah at your child’s chasunah. Observing your child becoming a successful husband or wife, becoming a parent, fostering yiddishkeit into a third generation, and knowing that the chut hameshulash lo b’mihairah yinosaik. (Koheles 4:12)
Yes the schar is immense. But for some, the pain is overwhelming.
For some parents, the pain is psychological. They feel under constant stress and distraction, seldom experiencing nachas or simchas hachaim. These ailments are not “all in their mind.” They are real and these parents need to seek help.
I have met with parents for whom the stress has triggered physical ailments on top of the emotional turmoil. Those are the parents who sought help.
Parents who fail to address their struggles create a vicious cycle in which their stress causes them to be impatient and disheartened which in turn makes their children more stressed which causes the children to act out and the parents react, and so it spirals downward until the parents find the humility and the courage to seek help.
Or not. And that is tragic. To allow shame to block you from the nachas and your children from the nurturing and love you and they so need and deserve.
But Rabbi Ackerman, how can I get my children to be calm and cooperative with me and with each other? I just want my home to be a tranquil and safe place for all of us.
The short answer, I’m afraid I have to tell you, is that some of the time, you cannot. If there were some formula, some tefilah or technique that could result in your children becoming calm and cooperative all of the time, they would be no such thing as tzar gidul banim.
So what does seeking help accomplish?
What is it that you hope to accomplish? To help your children to be calm and cooperative? Yes, b’ezras Hashem, more than they have been.
And equally important, to help you as parents to stop thinking, “I can’t stand it!” by helping you learn how to tolerate what you cannot change, to learn how to stand it.
Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time
Available at bookstores and on Amazon.
He can be reached at 718-344-6575