Tovim ha’shnayim min ha'echad asher yesh lahem sachar tov ba'amalam.

Two are better than one since they have a good reward for their labor. (Koheles 4:9)

Tovim ha’shnayim: this refers to Moshe and Aharon. Min ha'echad: better than one alone and the other alone.  For we find that when Moshe gave a bracha to Yisrael the Shechina did not rest [on Yisrael] because of him but when they both together gave a bracha to Yisrael the Shechina immediately rested [on Yisrael] because of them.   (Koheles Rabbah, ibid)

Your son’s rebbe is on the phone. You’re curious and concerned about what the rebbe is calling about. You’re hoping to find out how your son is doing and you’re apprehensive because last year’s rebbe only called with bad news. You may be assuming that this call, too, is to inform you of some problem the rebbe is having with your son.

When you ask the rebbe how your son is doing, he tells you that he called because your second grader is not doing well. Your son is not up to par, the rebbe says. You say, Okay, I’ll speak with him, and you thank the rebbe for calling.

As you hang up the phone, you become aware of the knot in your stomach and the tightening of your jaw.

The knot in your stomach and the tightening of your jaw, where are they coming from, what assumptions are you making?

The rebbe called to inform me of a problem.

I will speak to my child and he will know what the rebbe is unhappy about and he never told me he had gotten in trouble.

You call over your son and say, Your rebbe just called.  He said you’re not up to par. What does your rebbe mean that you’re not up to par?

Your son answers that his rebbe never told him that, so he doesn’t know.

Your first assumption was correct; the rebbe did call to inform you of a problem.

Your second assumption was that you would speak to your child and he would know what the rebbe meant when he said your son was not up to par. You were mistaken. Your son doesn’t know what the rebbe was referring to.

Now that you have examined your assumptions, you realize that neither you nor your son knows what the rebbe meant by not up to par so you don't know how to help your son.

Calling the rebbe and saying, what does not up to par mean is one way of asking the rebbe for clarity.

A better way of asking is to eschew the metaphor and be direct.

Ask the rebbe: In what area would you like my son to improve?  What expectation would you like him to meet more often than he has been?

Your son’s rebbe called to tell you that he sees your son as unsuccessful on some measure. There are three measures of success for children in school: academic, behavioral, and social.

The first step towards clarity about the rebbe’s concern is to ascertain which of these three areas the rebbe has in mind.  To gain clarity, ask these questions:

How is my child doing academically?

How is he doing behaviorally?

How is he doing socially?

If he is not doing as well as his rebbe thinks he could be doing in a certain area, ask the rebbe how you could help your child do better.  When the rebbe gives you a suggestion don’t say ok too fast.  Think about how realistic this suggestion is for you and your child.

If the rebbe says your child sometimes struggles academically, ask your child what he thinks might help him and with whom he could work to do better.  If you want to work with your son, consider how comfortable you are with the material and how comfortably you and your son work together.  

When addressing behavioral problems, think about the role of the school versus the role of parents when it comes to addressing behavior in school.

If the rebbe is concerned that your son seems to be failing socially and may be lonely, ask your child how he feels about his apparent isolation. Think about your child’s temperament.   Some children are more gregarious than others. Some enjoy solitude that may look like loneliness.  Ask your child what it is like for him.

In every case, tell the rebbe that before you agree to anything, you are going to sit down with your child and find out what he thinks about the rebbe’s suggestion.

Then, be sure to ask your son how his rebbe acknowledges success.  If your son says that his rebbe does not comment when a child does well, you need to act because children thrive on acknowledged success and shrivel without it.

You can either very respectfully speak to the rebbe about how success is noted in his classroom or take on that essential task yourself.  Ask your child, daily, what he did well that day and celebrate his success with him.

But my son is going to say he didn’t do anything well.  What am I supposed to do then?

Ask him what he did that got him in trouble.  When he says that he didn’t get in trouble, tell him that he succeeded, he did great!  Ask which kid he got into an argument with.  When he says he didn’t get into any arguments, tell him he did great!

Conversations with teachers are wonderful opportunities for you to learn how they would like you to help your child understand and meet their expectations.  If you think their expectations are unrealistic for your child, respectfully share your concerns.

May your work together with teachers bring both of you a good reward for your labor: nachas and sipuk hanefesh.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, dating, and parenting.

He is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time  Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575.