Let us imagine that there is such a thing as an Immovable Object, and there is such a thing as an Irresistible Force, as described in this story:
Once there was a man who was trying to sell a spear and a shield. When asked how good his spear was, he said that his spear could pierce any shield in the world. When asked how good his shield was, he said that it could resist being pierced by any sword in the world. One day, someone asked him what would happen if he were to use that irresistible spear to strike that impervious shield; the seller could not answer.
Based on this story, the Chinese word for contradiction literally means “spear-shield.”
Which leads us to the riddle, "What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object?"
Note: In the following discussion, I will not be using the terms force and energy as they are formally used in physics.
An irresistible force would have to possess an infinite amount of energy. In the physical world there is no such entity.
An immovable object would have to be a perfect energy absorber which expends no energy of its own. This too, does not exist.
What does exist are forces that exert large amounts of energy and objects that are extremely difficult to move. What comes to mind is a thick concrete wall and a heavy wrecking ball moving at a high velocity.
I will explain how all of this applies to you and your children, but first allow me to digress for a moment.
Today, the term “wind up” has two meanings. It means to finish an event, e.g. a meeting, a conversation. And it means to prepare to pitch a baseball.
When I was a child, it had a third meaning. “Wind up” also meant to store energy, e.g. wind up a toy, wind up a wristwatch.
When you wind up a toy or a wristwatch, you store energy. As it unwinds, it uses that energy until it runs out of energy. What happens then? It stops.
The same process applies to parents and children.
Sometimes, your child asks you for something and you say no. Have you ever seen your child’s intense reaction and think to yourself, “she got all wound up.” You’re right. She wound herself up with energy and then used that energy to get you to acquiesce.
She is all wound up. What about you?
Do you get all wound up and expend large amounts of energy back at her?
When you do, what is the outcome?
Do you overpower her with intimidation?
Does she overpower you with her persistence?
How exhausted are you after this exchange?
Let’s think about the possibilities and their implications.
If you do succeed at intimidating her into surrender, what does that make you and what does that teach her? It makes you a bully and it teaches her that intimidation is an appropriate way to behave.
If you don’t scare her off, who is going to run out of energy first? Usually, you.
Is the only alternative to let her drain you with her larger reservoir of energy?
As long as you see her as an irresistible force with infinite energy, yes. But she isn’t. When you become an immovable object you will be able to resist her and she will run out of energy before you do. When she fully unwinds, she’ll stop.
How do you become an immovable object that doesn’t run out of energy?
By not using any energy at all. You imagine yourself as a solid concrete wall coated with 6 inches of rubber. The “wrecking ball” bounces off. It isn’t damaged, and it will run out of energy having accomplished nothing. Your child will give up, and she’ll learn that you mean what you say.
Parent: But what should I say to her to get her to realize that I’m not going to change my mind?
Me: NOTHING! Do not engage her. You would be using energy. Tolerate her bouncing off of you for as long as it takes. She will eventually realize that you aren’t going to change your mind.
Parent: Eventually? That’s ominous.
Me: Yes, eventually. Ominous? Realistically, how long do you think it will take for her to notice that you are expending zero energy? When you engage, she knows she can outlast you. When you choose not to engage, she’ll realize that you will outlast her.
Here is how Tosfos understands this process.
When you get wound up in response to your child being wound up, you take on the same level of “heat” as she is experiencing.
Your child wants something that you are refusing to give her. She has gotten quite hot emotionally. Think of her as a kli rishon. If you become quite hot in response, you become a kli rishon. When, instead, you are able to tolerate her intense emotions and persistent behavior, you take on a lower level of emotional involvement. You become a kli sheini.
According to Tosfos, the contents of a kli rishon and the contents of a kli sheini can have the same temperature yet each have a different halachic status, i.e. a kli rishon has a cooking prohibition and a kli sheini does not.
It is astonishing! Why is there [an halachic] difference between a kli rishon and a kli sheini? If they are both yad soledes, scalding, the kli sheini should also be prohibited for cooking. If they are both not yad soledes the kli rishon also should not be prohibited for cooking. We can say [the answer is that] since the kli rishon is on the flame, its walls become hot and it maintains the heat for a long time. Therefore, they [Chazal] gave it [the kli rishon] the rule that as long as it is yad soledes bo it is forbidden [to heat something in it]. However, a kli sheini, even though it is yad soledes bo, it is permitted [to heat something in it] because the walls are not hot; it will cool down. (Shabbos 40b, Tosfos, d.h. u’shma mina kli sheini aino m’vashel)
In short, when you are able to keep your cool, your child will regain her cool much sooner than if you both heat up.
Perhaps I shouldn’t use this word right now, but I will.
Yishuv hadaas is contagious.
Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time
Available at bookstores and on Amazon.
He can be reached at 718-344-6575