There are two paths to significance.

Some things are significant because they are rare or indispensible. The scarcity of a gem may be the only basis for its value. We don’t require large quantities of food, but we cannot live without some.

Other things only become significant when their quantity grows beyond the norm. Dirt and rocks aren’t all that significant until Hashem presents them to us as a Grand Canyon.

When the two paths to significance converge, you are faced with something of unusual import. Perhaps the most common and challenging example is parenting.

Caring, compassionate guidance is indispensible for every child. Parents and the caregivers who help children learn share the most significant roles in the lives of children. The responsibility is immense, as is the potential for the greatest sipuk hanefesh and nachas there can be.

This sounds wonderful! The opportunity to nurture and mold the mind and soul of a child. To be the most significant person in her life. To contribute so much to her success as an individual and as a member of her people.

Parenting is wonderful. It’s also incredibly difficult. It is difficult because of magnitude of the responsibility, but that is compounded by the convergence of the quantity, or frequency, demanded of you.

Parenting is difficult because of the convergence of aichus, the need for quality, and ka’mus, the enormous quantity. There is so much at stake, and the demands seem relentless.

I have worked with the parents of so called “special needs” children. Our community acknowledges the unceasing demands made upon these parents and works to provide respite for them. Many of these parents struggle with an increased quantity of parenting demands and decreased expectations for the success of their children, a painful double-edged sword.

That same sword can cut the parents of “typical needs” children. These are the parents who can’t understand why they are struggling.

Baruch Hashem, my kids are normal, they’re healthy, they have friends, they do okay in school, but I just can’t cope with them. They argue with me, they fight with each other, and my husband comes home in the evening and complains to me that I’m not keeping things under control.

What would you tell this mom to do?

I rarely tell people to do anything. When your child tells you what happened to him and how he couldn’t stand it, don’t offer solutions. Here’s why. This child told you he “couldn’t stand it” and this mom told me she “can’t cope.” Do you really think the situation ended there? Do you think this child or mom suspended their lives until someone gave them the answer to their problem?

Here’s what to say instead of offering a solution or telling them what to do. Ask, “what happened next?” When someone can’t stand it and can’t cope, what did they do then? They usually did something, said something, or walked silently away from the situation. Don’t stop at the point they described as the end point of the situation; it wasn’t.

When they tell you what they did next, ask them to keep going, to describe what happened next. Continue asking them until you believe they’ve described the entire situation. Next, ask them what they think of how it turned out in the end. What you are hoping to help them realize is they did “stand it” and they coped well enough to get through the situation.

If they concur but wish it hadn’t been so painful, difficult, scary, or annoying, that’s okay. You’ve helped them move from seeing themselves as stuck and incompetent to realizing that they were competent but wishing they could do better next time.

When I feel like I just can’t cope with their fighting and my husband’s criticism I lash out. I scream at the children and I glare at my husband, and then I hate myself when I see how scared and hurt they look. I know it’s wrong and I wish I wouldn’t do it and I promise myself that I won’t do it again, but sooner or later I do it again anyway. What is the matter with me?

The short answer to that question is: you’re operating under emote control. The solution is NOT “don’t get so emotional.”

Why isn’t that the solution? Wouldn’t that solve everything? Maybe it would make things better sometimes, but right now it isn’t realistic. Most of us cannot shut off our emotions at will. What most of us can learn to do is to slow down and think about our emotions before we act upon them.

We always act upon them. Our emotions drive our behaviors. The key is to make sure our minds are reviewing and informing our emotions before we act upon them. Emotions are visceral, involuntary responses to internal and external stimuli. When we slow down long enough to decide how best to behave in response to a stimulus, we tend to make better choices and get better outcomes. It’s not that we become numb, suppressing our emotions. We become thoughtful and deliberate when we consider how we interpret what happened that caused us to feel what we’re feeling and how best to address it, if at all.

We can understand this through recent studies of the amygdala and the frontal cortex but the Shem mi’Shmuel explained it long before that. At the beginning of Parshas Breishis, the Shem mi’Shmuel explains that the lev controls the aivorim, the heart controls our behaviors, and the mo’ach controls the lev, the brain controls the heart.

When the brain is exhausted, the lev may lead us into unhelpful behaviors.

Don’t try to keep going when you need respite. Your role is too important. Don’t be ashamed to arrange for your children to spend a Shabbos with relatives or friends so that you get a break. You are worth it to your children. And you deserve it for all that you do.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.