I am apprehensive about writing this article, addressing this topic. My apprehension is based on the following sources.
Avtalyon omeir: Chachamim, hizoharu b’divreichem, shemo tochuvu chovas galus, v’siglu limkom mayim harayim, v’yishtu hatalmidim haba'im achareichem v’yamusu, v’nimtza Sheim Shomayim mischaleil.
Avtalyon would say: Chachamim, be careful with your words; lest you be guilty of exile, to a place of evil waters. The disciples who come after may drink and die, and the Name of Heaven will be desecrated. (Avos 1:11)
Chachamim, be careful with your words etc: Cautioning chachamim that they be careful with their words so that the talmidim won’t learn from their words to be lenient with something that is forbidden. (Rabbeinu Bachya)
The commentators interpreted the name Avtalyon to mean “father to the little ones'' because av means father, and talya means small in Aramaic. He was concerned for the young students and so he warned the sages l’hazhir ha’gedolim al ha’ketanim, to warn the big ones about the little ones [to not risk misleading them].
They should be careful in their words not to say things that could be misunderstood, taken in a way other than the true interpretation. This is why the tanna did not say “don’t say anything bad or improper.” Rather, even when saying something good and necessary, be sure that you say it in a way that will be understood only as you meant it. This is a summary of the words of the Rabbi Moshe Almoshnino Z”L …
And I can say that the intention is to warn each sage to be na-eh doresh v’na-eh mikayaim, admirable in his teaching and admirable in his fulfilling, that he himself be careful in everything about which he warns others. This is what he means by hizaru b’divreichem, you must be careful with the things you tell others to be careful about...
For when others see you not fulfilling what you preach they too will not observe the teachings. You will then be chaiyav, held responsible, for their exile. This is why it says the seemingly unnecessary word chovas. It means that you caused their errors. For the evil of your deeds the burden of exile will be much more heavy on you than all of Israel. (Midrash Shmuel, ibid.)
And this source:
One may not derive halakha from a teaching or from an event unless they [the Rabbis] tell him [that it is the accepted] halakha… then he may act but he may not compare. I.e. not assume another situation is the same. (Baba Basra 130b with Rashbam)
Those are the teachings that give me pause as I write this article.
I am concerned that my words might be misconstrued or misapplied. That could, chas v’Shalom, lead to nekama, achzorius, or a michshol, revenge, cruelty, or placing a stumbling block.
What am I about to describe is a system to gain compliance when a child is capable of cooperating, of doing what is asked, and refuses to cooperate.
Unless you are sure that a child is capable, physically and emotionally, of doing what you have asked, do not use this method.
Until your mindset and heartset are “I want to help this child to become cooperative” and not “I am going to get my way, he is not going to defy me!” do not use this method.
This method may help your child to cooperate. It is a form of incentive, not a punishment, and must be presented that way.
Here is how it is done.
I have asked you to put your laundry into the hamper rather than leaving it on the floor. We tried putting a hamper next to your bed. We got you a basketball net hamper you could toss your laundry into, but when you didn’t score, it got left on the floor. I asked what would help you remember to put your clothing into the hamper and you said I shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. Apparently, you don’t want to cooperate with me about this.
I think cooperation in a family is important. Since you don’t, I’m going to work with you differently starting today. As of today, you will have to earn things that you have been taking for granted until now.
I’m going to start by requiring that you earn having your laundry done by putting your clothing into the hamper. Each week, I will launder all of the clothing I find in your hamper. If you choose to leave clothing anywhere else, I will move it if it is in my way and you can launder it whenever you wish. Any questions?
You can expect some questions and some unsolicited comments as well.
What?! Just me? You’re doing laundry anyway, why doesn’t everybody else have to earn it somehow? This is totally unfair! I do plenty of stuff! I don’t care, leave it there. You’re gonna let me go to school in dirty clothes?
If you aren’t prepared to answer that last question in the affirmative, do not use this method.
Some children operate via aversion rather than cooperation. They will comply only to avoid an unpleasant outcome. You do not punish them. You just stop giving them something for nothing. All children deserve unconditional love. Not all children deserve unconditional laundry.
This method can be applied in ways that are not as direct as the hamper/laundry illustration. You might ask a child to accomplish some task over the course of the week in order to earn a particular item for Melave Malkah that she now takes for granted.
Be sure to celebrate your child’s success even when they succeed just in order to earn something in return. Don’t take anything for granted. Na-eh doresh v’na-eh mikayaim.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, dating, and parenting.
He is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time Available at bookstores and on Amazon.
He can be reached at 718-344-6575.