According to a well-known adage, there is no such thing as verbal abuse.

 “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me.”

 If we are impervious to words, then words cannot be a source of abuse. Of course, we know that’s not true. The tongue is a powerful weapon of abuse; it can be lethal. We know this by experience, but we also know from Tanach. “Death and life are in the hand of the tongue,” according to Mishlei 18:21.

 Rabi Chama ben Rabi Chanina (Arachin 15b) pondered the expression “the hand of the tongue.”

Does the tongue have a hand? [Rather] It comes to teach that just as the hand can kill, so the tongue can kill. But if the hand can only kill what is near it, does the tongue only kill what is near it? [No,] because Yirmiyahu taught (9:7): The tongue is a slaying arrow (see 2^nd explanation in Rashi). But now that we are taught that the tongue is a slaying arrow, why teach us that death and life are in the hand of tongue? Rava taught: “If you want life, use your tongue [for Torah]; if you want death, use your tongue [for slander and abuse].”

 Business management author Tom DeMarco pondered the expression “words can never harm me” in his book Slack: Getting Past Burnout, Busywork, and the Myth of Total Efficiency. He believes that changes in organization are only possible with the security that people struggling with new ideas won't be laughed at. In contast, fear of getting physically hurt doesn't prevent people from learning.  Apparently, words can actually hurt more than sticks and stones. At least, words are more intimidating. They certainly are for me.

 Many years ago, there were two things I wanted to do that I had never done before. One was to downhill ski. The other was to submit for publication something I had written.

 I was a little concerned about skiing since I knew that my uncle had once broken his leg while skiing. But I went skiing anyway. I did get hurt, although nothing got broken B”H, and I was very glad I did it. It only took me a brief internal pep talk to overcome my hesitation about getting physically hurt skiing.

 Submitting an article for publication was quite a different matter. I was so afraid of being criticized and ridiculed for my writing that I was unable to submit anything anywhere. It took numerous conversations of encouragement and reassurance with my wife, my children, my friends, and my colleagues before I timidly sent an article to a magazine. My work was B”H well received, but I remember how hard it had been for me to risk the verbal abuse I had imagined coming my way. Mind you, that was with no basis for my fear, no precedent upon which to base my concern.

 What do you think it is like for a child who has been ridiculed, who has seen the smirks and heard the slurs and felt the humiliation at the hands (of the tongues) of his peers, or chas v’shalom his parents or teachers. Do you wonder why he never raises his hand, why he trembles when called upon to read, why he sits silently at the lunch table? Their words have hurt him, and he doesn’t want to get hurt that way again. He has a basis for his fear, and it can be very difficult to overcome it.

 Words can hurt. But words can also heal and reassure. Your words can be a source of confidence and tranquility to your child. This, too, is the power of words, the power of the tongue.

 Sometimes, words aren’t all that powerful, they’re just counter-productive.

 When the product you’re seeking is an informative and pleasant conversation with your child, here are some words to avoid, and why.

 Why avoid them?

 No, why is the first word to avoid.

 Why?

 Yes, why.

 No, I’m asking you why should I avoid the word why?

 Because it puts people, especially children, on the defensive. It is often used as if seeking justification when you know in advance that there is no justification you’d accept. Here’s a simple example:

 I told you over an hour ago to clean up your room. Why haven’t you done it?

What do think this child could answer and you’d say, “oh, okay, that’s a good reason.” Hard to imagine, right? Well this child knows that, too, so she will say something like, “Dini didn’t clear up her room, either,” or “you didn’t tell me when to do it,” or “how come I always have to clean up my room by myself but you have time for the baby,” rather than attempting to answer your question. Yes, she is trying to distract you and change the subject, because you have backed her into a corner with your unanswerable “why” question. That’s why you don’t ask why questions.

Some other words to avoid are “don’t do that.” Don’t do that isn’t counter-productive, it’s just non-productive. To make “don’t do that” productive, follow it with, “what could you do instead?” We don’t “not do” stuff. We do something else instead. Help your child identify and rehearse alternatives to the things you don’t want her to do, one at a time.

For example, “don’t color on the walls” should be followed by, “where can you color instead?” And yes, you can get a reasonable answer to that question from a 3 year old.

And one more phrase to avoid, at least when you’re speaking with me: “How can I get him to?” I don’t want you to get your child to do anything. I want you to help your child meet your expectations. If each of your expectations is specific, positive outcomed (you’ve expressed what you do want, not just what you don’t want) and realistic for this child, b’zras Hashem, he will.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 35 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.