“How was school today?”
“Fine.”
“What did you do there today?”
“Nothing.”
Does that conversation sound familiar? It does to me. Many parents tell me that their conversations with their children about their day in school go just like that every day. Of course, these parents don’t take that answer literally. It isn’t possible for a sentient human being to spend that many consecutive hours doing nothing. Parents know that when their child says she did nothing all day, she means either that she can’t remember anything in particular that she did, or that she didn’t do anything worth telling over.
When I first got married, I would come home from yeshiva and graduate school and, at the dinner table, tell over my day in excruciating detail. It didn’t take very long until my wife and I realized that with rare exception, I was telling over the same thing day after day. It wasn’t only that I didn’t remember a lot of what I had learned that day or that I thought it was irrelevant. It was simply too repetitive. Other than the new material I had learned that day (which I wasn’t often able to tell over), my days didn’t vary much; there wasn’t much to tell.
Your child’s situation is just like that. School days don’t vary all that much unless the Mobile Zoo was at his school one day or they had a fire drill. The rest of the time it feels the same, day after day. Except for the material he learned. So what happens when you ask about that? How does that conversation go?
Parent: “What did you learn about with Rebbe today?”
Child: “The same thing we’ve been doing for the past few days”
Parent: “What thing you’ve been doing for the past few days? What you are learning about?”
Child: “Kinyanim [laws regarding possession of materials or property]”
Parent: “That’s what you told me yesterday. What did you learn today?”
Child: “More laws of kinyanim.”
It’s like pulling teeth. Then again, what were you thinking? Did you really expect him to tell over the sugya and the shiur?
Would you prefer he tell you some things from limudei chol? Like what? That the capital of South Dakota is Pierre? (yes, I did have to look that up) Or that SohCahToa was not the Chief of the Hopi Indians? (it’s a mnemonic used in trigonometry) These may be important things to know but they’re not that much fun to tell over.
Let’s consider the possibility of second order change here. Rather than asking the same question differently, let’s see if we can ask a different question and get better results.
Before I go on, let me point out that if your child is doing poorly academically, behaviorally, or socially, you need know what that’s like for her day in and day out and how to help her with her problem, whether she considers it a problem or not.
If your child, most of the time, is doing well academically, behaviorally, and socially, you might consider asking a different question, rather than, “How was school today?”
You might consider asking a question that would give you some insight into your child’s thoughts and concerns, and perhaps what he feels thankful for.
You might consider asking: What did you daven for today?
What do you think about asking that?
I think he might be uncomfortable about sharing that with me.
I think you’re probably right about that. I still think it’s a valuable question. What could you do to make him less uncomfortable?
I don’t know.
The best way to help a child express his thoughts and feelings in any given context is to express yours. Share with your child what you davened for today. Tell him some of the concerns, aspirations, and gratitude that you mentioned in your davening. Let him hear how you impart your own meaning into the words of the tefilos. Let him see that it’s okay to share some of these kavonos with someone else. Rather than telling your child how to daven, tell her how you daven and trust that she’ll emulate you.
She’ll emulate you no matter what you do or don’t tell her. That’s nothing new.
It is necessary to watch carefully over children to see that they daven properly. In previous generations when men davened with inspiration (hisorarus) they naturally impressed this upon the children so that they too davened properly, and you didn’t have to watch over them so much. This is not the case today [this was written 50 years ago and it hasn’t gotten any better]. Because of our iniquities, tefilah is one of things that people trample. If we won’t watch over our children, they will very often not daven at all. I have seen in many places that during the davening the children aren’t being watched over; they practically don’t daven at all. There are some children who do well on their own but most unsupervised children do not daven, and when they grow up, they often don’t daven. At this point it is very difficult to accustom them to davening. This is one of the causes of many children going off, rachmana l’tzlan. (Hagahos Ha’chinuch, page 57)
What did you daven for today? If you can’t answer that question, don’t be surprised if your child can’t.
For example, in the paragraph Es tzemach David we ask for monarchy. What does that mean to you? The only royalty we’re familiar with today is British and the Royal British are mostly fodder for gossip magazines and satirists. Can we really imagine how wonderful it will be to have the restoration of the Davidic Kingdom? How does this paragraph allude to Moshiach? What do you think your life will be like when Moshiach comes bimharah b’yamainu?
Rabbi Ackerman, if I were to think about how each of the brachos applies to me I would never finish my quiet shemonah esrai in time to respond to kedusha. I don’t think I’d even be finished in time to say modim d’rabonon! And I don’t daven in a shul that goes particularly fast. It just isn’t realistic to daven as slowly as one would have to in order to do what you’re suggesting.
I’m suggesting that you take the time, in one or two paragraphs each time you daven, to think about the meaning of the words to you right then. Not the translation. The meaning, the import, the significance to you personally. I think such focus on at least some of the tefilah will help you and your child shift your mentality from “interrupting what you were doing because you have to daven” to “taking the opportunity to daven.”
May our tefilos for our children find favor in eyes of Hashem.
Rabbi Ackerman is a licensed psychotherapist. His private practice phone number is 718-344-6575.