There is a phrase and there is a word that should set off alarms in your yetzer hatov.

The phrase is nisht oif Shabbos geredt. 

The word is “Who?”

nisht oif Shabbos geredt is usually followed by saying something you know you shouldn’t be saying on Shabbos. 

“Who” is often followed by rechilus.

Various abuses of our unique gift of language are listed in the al chait.  Here are some examples:

Bitui sifosayim (see Dover Shalom in Otzar HaTefilos Siddur), dibur peh, onaas rai-ah (includes onaas devorim), zilzul horim u morim, tifshus peh, tumas sifosayim, lashon harah, laatzone, siach sifsosainu (see Aitz Yosef in Otzar HaTefilos Siddur), rechilus.

What is the difference between lashon harah and rechilus?

Lashon harah is saying something which, if it were publicized, would cause the subject physical or monetary damage, anguish, or fear.

Rechilus is telling someone that someone else did something to harm him, spoke lashon harah about him, doesn’t like him or respect him, or anything else that will damage the recipient’s relationship with that other person.

Lashon Harah does damage to the person being spoken about.

Rechilus causes damage to relationships between the recipient and his fellow Yidden.

The Talmud [Arachin 15b] teaches us that gossip "kills" three people: the speaker, the listener, and the object of the gossip. That the speaker and listener deserve to be punished is understandable, but why should the person about whom they are gossiping be punished? The answer is that speaking about another person's shortcomings does more than just disparage him. Words have the power to bring latent energy into actuality.

When we speak about a person's negative traits, it actualizes them and reinforces them. As a result, his behavior takes a turn for the worse and he thus incurs punishment.

Conversely, when we speak about the good traits of another person, we reveal and reinforce those traits. We can thus be a positive or negative influence on people; the choice is ours.  (Chabad Chumash page 739)

In order to find the antidote to lashon harah and rechilus we need to think about how these things happen.  I wonder if it is simply because we don’t know what else to talk about.

What topics are there for a Shabbos table with parents, children, and guests that include a wide range of ages, experiences, knowledge, and interests?  Add to that everyone's moods and temperaments at any given moment.

The topic that most people are interested in and at least somewhat knowledgeable about is other people; a topic that too often leads to rechilus, often heralded by the word “who.”

What is the answer to this dilemma?  We know what not to say.  What is there to say?  When it comes to rechilus, the answer is that you can say anything that conforms to this teaching of Hillel:

That which is hateful to you, do not do to another. This is all of Torah.  The other is an explanation.  Go and learn it. (Shabbos 31a)

Leitzon (scoffer): Cool! So anything that wouldn’t bother me, I can do or say about anyone else!

Nice try, but no.  Rashi anticipated that reaction and addressed it.

Rashi: The other: the rest of divrei Torah.  Is an explanation: of this matter, to know what is to be hated. Go learn and you’ll know.

That which is hateful to you is not a subjective matter.  Your insensitivity to the slings and arrows of others does not not give you carte blanche to be callous towards anyone else.  The Torah teaches that any words that are materially or emotionally injurious are to be abhorred.

It is hateful to cause material or emotional harm to another (lashon harah).

It is hateful to harm a relationship (rechilus).

Everything else is fine on weekdays.  On Shabbos, it’s even harder.  In addition, we have to avoid nisht oif Shabbos geredt. 

How hard is that?  Rav Chaim mi’Valuzhin used to speak only in Hebrew on Shabbos to remind himself to be careful with what he said! (Tzadik Katamar Yifrach, page 177)

How important is it to avoid lashon harah and rechilus?

There were three machanos in the midbar.  Certain conditions required an individual to leave the innermost machana or the two innermost machanos.  Only the aveira of harmful language required an individual to leave all three.

The Kli Yakar (Bamidbar 5:2) explains that this is the only aveira for which one must be totally isolated.

The Chizkuni (Bamidbar 13:46) writes that this is because this disease spreads to people around him.

More than any other aveira, lashon hora and rechilus are contagious.

Perhaps that is why the two outstanding characteristics of the current machala are that it is highly contagious and requires isolation.

Could we say that Hashem is, kah-v’yachol, putting us into time-out?

If so, what are we supposed to accomplish there?

It is necessary to be contrite.  It is not sufficient.

Our current matzav needs to be a place to think about alternatives and enhancements to our avodas Hashem, both bein adam l’Makom and bein adam l’chavero.

Here is an example we can begin to work on even now:

Have you ever heard something like this in your home?

WHEN YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS, BRING ME THE PHONE!

Aside from lacking the word please (it’s not only for four year olds!), it is a violation of derech eretz.  Here is the alternative:

Vayikra el Moshe, vayidabair (and He called to Moshe and He spoke) (Vayikra 1:1)

It was taught in a braisa, why [did Hashem] call before speaking?  The Torah teaches us derech eretz that you should not speak to someone before calling to him. (Yoma 4b)

The reason for this is so that the listener has the opportunity to prepare to hear.  (Torah Temimah, ibid.)

Whether you are about to speak to your spouse or to a child, exercise derech eretz.  Walk over to them, say their name, wait until you have their attention, and then say what you have to say.  And then wait for their acknowledgement or reply.

It takes a lot longer.

So does replacing rechilus.  So does davening with more kavanah.

What more important things are there, especially now?

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575