Sweetheart, you’re crying.  Why are you feeling lachrymose? 

How often have you said that to your child?  Probably never.

But you may have asked, “why are you sad?”

Wasn’t Moshe Rabeinu sad when he saw the Egel HaZahav?  Why didn’t he cry then the way he cried when the Yidden sinned with the Moabites at Shittim?

When the people made the Golden Calf, Moses argued, Why, O L-rd, should Your anger be kindled against Your people whom You have brought up from the land of Egypt? (Ex. 32:11). What do You expect them to do, he said. Their background is pagan; they have not been re-educated and retrained in practicing the morality of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. It takes time, Moses argued, to reform and rehabilitate a people, to teach them new morals and virtues. It was indeed a sound and solid defense. The generation of those who left Egypt could not be considered the disciples of Moses.

In Shittim, however, another generation sinned, the generation of those who were brought up by Moses. Just a short time earlier, in the Wilderness of Zin, they had complained to Moses in the same language their fathers had used forty years before. And why have you made us come up out of Egypt, to bring us in unto this evil place? (Num. 20:5). Why should Moses’ disciples speak the language of liberated slaves who had just parted from the fleshpots? That is why, when they sinned with the daughters of Moab in Shittim, Moses broke down and cried (Num. 25:6 and Shemot Rabbah 33:5). These people were not the students for whom Moses had hoped.  (Chumash Mesoras Harav Sefer Devarim, pages 13-15)

Why do so many parents feel at a loss when their child cries?

For many of us, seeing someone cry can make us feel uncomfortable, guilty, and anxious. Why do we have that reaction?

There are many possibilities:

Because we want to fix it. When we see someone crying, most of us have a natural instinct to want to problem-solve. And we don’t always know what the problem is that needs fixing.

Because we worry that we caused it. We ask ourselves, “Was it something I said?” “Was it something I did?” “Did I make them cry?”

Because we don’t know why they’re crying. The simplest interpretation is that they’re sad. But people also cry when they feel angry, happy, embarrassed, anxious, relieved, scared, frustrated, understood, tired, appreciated, hungry, lonely, etc.

Because we don’t want to cry. Emotions are contagious, and we’re concerned that someone else’s tears might trigger our own, especially if we are particularly empathetic.

Because we’re anxious that crying signals a bigger issue, and then what? We wonder if the crying is about something bigger than the conversation we just had. What if it signals a deeper personal issue, one that’s bigger than we know how to help?

Because we fear that the crying will escalate. As soon as we see that first tear or hear that initial sniffle, we think to ourselves, “What if they start sobbing?” “What if they throw up?” “What if they start hyperventilating?”

Helping someone who is crying takes emotional intelligence, especially in the form of self-awareness and self-management. Self-awareness requires that we recognize that someone else’s emotional expression is having an impact on us, and are able to articulate what that impact is (fear, concern, anger, etc.). Self-management requires that we control our emotions in the moment, and adapt to what’s needed right now.

And what’s needed right now, in most cases, is for you to say something helpful, supportive, and brief.

What isn’t needed?

Interpreting, such as “you seem sad.” Remember that people cry for a variety of reasons, and you can’t know why they’re crying unless they tell you. (It’s also important to keep in mind that people don’t always know why they’re crying themselves.)

Telling them what to do, such as “you should take a break.” When someone is crying, they often feel a loss of control. Dictating their next action, even when done from a place of compassion, can further rob someone of their sense of control.

Judging them, such as “it’s not worth crying about.” Telling someone not to feel how they’re feeling reduces interpersonal trust, making people feel unsafe in their relationship with you.

So what can you say instead?

“Let’s pause for a moment here. I can see you’re crying. Would you like to take a break or keep going? It’s up to you.”  This is neutral language that gives someone the opportunity to choose what they want and need next.

“I’m going to stop our conversation for a second to check in with you. Can you tell me what’s going on for you right now?” This demonstrates compassion and curiosity for the person, without dramatizing or overplaying concern.

“You’re crying, so let’s pause. What would be most helpful for you right now? I’ll follow your lead.” This acknowledges what’s happening, while empowering the person to take control.

Emotions are data, and the visible (and audible) expression of emotions, like crying, shouldn’t be ignored or minimized. Showing curiosity and compassion, even if you’re uncomfortable, is core to being an emotionally intelligent leader.

(From: What to Say When Someone Cries at Work, Deborah Grayson Riegel, Harvard Business Review, June 29, 2020)

Parents are leaders.  When your children don’t act like the disciples you hoped they would become, you might cry as Moshe did.  I hope you have someone who will listen to you with curiosity and compassion.

When your child cries, don’t leave her in solitude. 

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone;

For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,

But has trouble enough of its own.

(From: Solitude, Ella Wheeler Wilcox)

When your child cries, you may feel uncomfortable, guilty, and anxious.  Try to postpone addressing your emotions.  Give your full attention to your child.  Be curious, be compassionate, and be accepting.  Your expression of caring is more meaningful than you may realize.

Rabbi Ackerman is the author of Confident Parents, Competent Children, in Four Seconds at a Time

Available at bookstores and on Amazon.

He can be reached at 718-344-6575